I'm pondering some things and wondering if I can still fulfill my dreams.
I guess I could still travel abroad, but I guess I'll have to settle for vacations instead of living abroad. Maybe I have to ask ANdrew to take care of mom after he earns his Associate's degree.
I have evil thoughts towards mom at times. I recognize her mental recuperation little by little, but I really wish to reclaim my independence. I can't dream, foresee or feel inspired to do anything without thinking about her now. I HATE THIS! I keep wondering if mom had been more obedient to God would she be in a better state or would she still be in her post stroke condition?
I pray to God for relief. Maybe I should place mom in a nursing home? That doesn't sound right to me. I don't want to be selfish, but I get beleaguered by my mother's condition. I ask myself when she'll be absolutely well again to live alone?
I hate Carl for cheating on her and leaving her. I hate myself to for not making Andrew more responsible. I suppose he likes getting away with giving mom the least care possible. I feel guilty for not... wanting to interact with the family as much as I probably should. Is that my own fault? I guess so... but I haven't had much to do with the others. I guess this is all a big fateful push from God to make me recognize that I was living too far away metaphorically from the others.
But what is my greatest complaint... my loss of freedom to travel. That's all and also feeling that my best way of creating a successful work life for myself is to pursue a full time French teacher position. I drag my feet, because I don't want the responsibility. I guess this has been the purpose of those 10 years of study. I feel at times that I have wasted my youth not doing what most other young people do. I hate myself for being so socially anxious. I just pray to be able to live abroad again hopefully without mom, because I don't want to tag her along for the rest of my life. I love her, but... I'm tired of halting my life for her. I've been doing that my whole life and I need to cut those ties that bind.
Please God liberate me and heal my mother completely. Please God grant me my freedom again. Please, Lord, please!
I guess I could still travel abroad, but I guess I'll have to settle for vacations instead of living abroad. Maybe I have to ask ANdrew to take care of mom after he earns his Associate's degree.
I have evil thoughts towards mom at times. I recognize her mental recuperation little by little, but I really wish to reclaim my independence. I can't dream, foresee or feel inspired to do anything without thinking about her now. I HATE THIS! I keep wondering if mom had been more obedient to God would she be in a better state or would she still be in her post stroke condition?
I pray to God for relief. Maybe I should place mom in a nursing home? That doesn't sound right to me. I don't want to be selfish, but I get beleaguered by my mother's condition. I ask myself when she'll be absolutely well again to live alone?
I hate Carl for cheating on her and leaving her. I hate myself to for not making Andrew more responsible. I suppose he likes getting away with giving mom the least care possible. I feel guilty for not... wanting to interact with the family as much as I probably should. Is that my own fault? I guess so... but I haven't had much to do with the others. I guess this is all a big fateful push from God to make me recognize that I was living too far away metaphorically from the others.
But what is my greatest complaint... my loss of freedom to travel. That's all and also feeling that my best way of creating a successful work life for myself is to pursue a full time French teacher position. I drag my feet, because I don't want the responsibility. I guess this has been the purpose of those 10 years of study. I feel at times that I have wasted my youth not doing what most other young people do. I hate myself for being so socially anxious. I just pray to be able to live abroad again hopefully without mom, because I don't want to tag her along for the rest of my life. I love her, but... I'm tired of halting my life for her. I've been doing that my whole life and I need to cut those ties that bind.
Please God liberate me and heal my mother completely. Please God grant me my freedom again. Please, Lord, please!
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