My mom told me that my cousin and her family are having trouble paying their mortgage. They are late with a payment. I sent a text message to Tacara telling her to finish her studies and become a nurse anesthetist. She got bothered by that and she told her mom and then her mom told mine and told me that I shouldn't have said that. I told my mom not to tell me about other people's business. I don't want to know or I'll get frustrated. Last night I thought that I was a little loud on the phone. I should have walked outside to talk to mom. I think Nate and Pedro heard my conversation and got perturbed. Well, whatever. I barely speak to them.
I just feel like... I need to unload mentally and that I need to speak less often to my mother. I wouldn't even feel all agitated if she hadn't told me about Tacara and her family. I can't do anything to help them. I even feel physically bad.
I ask myself now if I will ever be happy again or if my life is cursed? What if I have seven years bad luck after breaking that mirror in France? I don't really believe in superstitions, but maybe I am cursed? I just feel miserable and inconsolable. I'm sitting here at work at the National Archives and I'm tired. I have a task but it is repetitive.
I thought that maybe I should have stayed in Georgia instead of coming to DC. I just need to work one job and stay with it and be content. I'll get over this bad mood eventually. My mind is just inundated with too many negative thoughts right now and regrets over past actions. I'm still regretful over my ineptitude as a teacher. I still remember my co-teacher, Won Mi's words in that email about all my flaws. I'm still healing from my experience in Korea. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe nothing, but I just feel like a failure. I know that I have done some good things like earn As in my classes last semester, which I think I shall do this semester. I think I may need to exclude my mother from my life. I love her, but she does present a burden.
Then where shall I stay in NYC? With Ma, Debbie, a courchsurfer? I don't want to exclude my mom, but sometimes I think that I need to for my sanity.
I remember Carl's words about me when I was a boy--he would say that I was being over-dramatic or melodramatic. Maybe he was right, but I know that I am not alright and that I do have some problems. I know that I'm not dramatizing that.
I'm going to try to make this internship work. I hope to be paid this Friday. By the grace of God I shall be.
I really want to escape to a church today. Maybe I can go to the Hughes Methodist Church this evening.
I just feel like... I need to unload mentally and that I need to speak less often to my mother. I wouldn't even feel all agitated if she hadn't told me about Tacara and her family. I can't do anything to help them. I even feel physically bad.
I ask myself now if I will ever be happy again or if my life is cursed? What if I have seven years bad luck after breaking that mirror in France? I don't really believe in superstitions, but maybe I am cursed? I just feel miserable and inconsolable. I'm sitting here at work at the National Archives and I'm tired. I have a task but it is repetitive.
I thought that maybe I should have stayed in Georgia instead of coming to DC. I just need to work one job and stay with it and be content. I'll get over this bad mood eventually. My mind is just inundated with too many negative thoughts right now and regrets over past actions. I'm still regretful over my ineptitude as a teacher. I still remember my co-teacher, Won Mi's words in that email about all my flaws. I'm still healing from my experience in Korea. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe nothing, but I just feel like a failure. I know that I have done some good things like earn As in my classes last semester, which I think I shall do this semester. I think I may need to exclude my mother from my life. I love her, but she does present a burden.
Then where shall I stay in NYC? With Ma, Debbie, a courchsurfer? I don't want to exclude my mom, but sometimes I think that I need to for my sanity.
I remember Carl's words about me when I was a boy--he would say that I was being over-dramatic or melodramatic. Maybe he was right, but I know that I am not alright and that I do have some problems. I know that I'm not dramatizing that.
I'm going to try to make this internship work. I hope to be paid this Friday. By the grace of God I shall be.
I really want to escape to a church today. Maybe I can go to the Hughes Methodist Church this evening.
Hey Aaron, I'm an INFP and a Sag as well. I think it's hard not to want to help people with what we see as "fixable problems" But, some people don't want our advise or help. I can never understand why myself, they should want it cause it wil help them. Just let your cousins make their own mistakes, I had to do that with mine. I have the same feeling about thinking that I will never be satisfied in my work. I've done so many things in life and I'm only 30. You've got Jesus in your heart, when you feel this way the only thing you can do is pray. Lord knows all, and can give you peace. I hope things work out for you. I'm searching for answers as well. I really hate my job.
ReplyDeleteHI, Stephanie!
DeleteThanks for reading my ramble of thoughts in my blog!
I'm glad to find someone else who's a Sag and an INFP. You're right about my cousins. I will leave them alone, which I do most of the time. After spending a year at home the past year, I've learned to leave my relatives alone and just be at peace with them instead of getting over involved. When I do that, I end up feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, etc.
On the upside, I can be so happy and at ease. I hate when I get so happy and end up sad soon after. But I'm learning to balance my emotions. Believing in God helps me with that.
What is your job? For now I'm an English Assistant Teacher in Martinique. I like the job, but I'm a bit tired. I just need to rest. I have a research proposal to complete as well. I can finish it today... I in fact I may do that and get this thing out of the way and be done with this class, Research Methods.
What have you done in your life? I think I've done a lot too.