I have always been a very introverted person. I've learned a lot about myself and I'm learning to appreciate myself. I always felt too different than Andrew and Ian. I never got along with their father. Thus I remained... undeveloped socially within my own family. As for the rest of my family, I got along well with my two eldest cousins, Tacara and T.J., but... I was always different than they.
Often while I grew up I felt like the "extra wheel", except with my mother, my aunt Debora, and with my great grandmother Jerusha. With my grandmother Evelyn... I felt that she didn't like me much, but she became warmer towards me after I turned seven years old. I didn't see my grandmother Rachel often enough to develop a relationship. I hope that I find her again.
Back in the U.S., I'm learning to socialize and to engage in life. I've always kept myself so secluded due to fear of being exposed to the wrong people, who I expected to hurt me. I used to get teased a lot as a kid. I've always tried to keep a shield around myself because of that expectation of attack. These days I am learning to be brave and to let down my guard.
Valancia and I have started to be friends again. It has been great to talk to her. She helps me to think about why I am the way that I am. She and I have many similarities. I think that's due to our Haitian connection. She's half Haitian on her mom's side and half Black American on her dad's side.
Besides her, I've seen Ayeshah for the first time. She and I were only friends on Facebook and Skype. We went out last Friday to see The Hunger Games with her two of her friends. I went with Valancia. We all had a great time. The movie was great. After we bought some ice cream at Kilwin's in Atlantic Station.
::sigh:: I think... I should just treat Andrew and Ian as roommates instead of brothers, lol. Then I could feel better about living at home. I must also remember that I'm 26 years old! I gotta stop thinking about myself as a teenager or a kid! I have to release myself from excessive duty. No one really needs me at home. I can be free and not feel guilty about traveling abroad! I guess when I think of mom, I feel a sense of responsibility, but now I just feel responsible for myself. Mom... impoverished me. Not a little, but A LOT! ::sigh:: I feel that I went from being a prince to being a pauper... I had no idea how bad things were until I returned home. I gotta free myself from this obligation or it will kill me before I really start to live for God and me! :-) I feel that I deserve freedom. True freedom from worry.
I despise Andrew and Ian for smoking. I despise them even for some or nearly all of their friends. I despise Ian for not attending college or having enough where withal to be more responsible to the household. I despise their father for being a cheating fool. I despise myself for not taking another job abroad!!! ABOVE ALL!! :-)
I feel so much better now. I gotta be free of my family. I put the burden upon myself. I don't want to ignore my family, but it seems that it is exactly my solution. Or I'll just drag myself down. I pray to God that I am accepted for the TAPIF program. I must let go of all my fear, resentment, and doubt.
I just met a girl at Dollar General. She invited me to Point of Grace Church for an evening service. I've never been there. I agreed to go. I hope to enjoy myself there. I hope to learn something too.
Well, I will promise to allow myself freedom from worry, guilt, anger, resentment, doubt, obsession, etc.
I promise to myself to be happy! LOL. I am laughing now and I'm glad to be smiling. I saw some pictures of myself and I have lacked a smile most of my life. Now I have a smile and I love it!
I think this is my year of freedom! I just need some friends with whom to talk about this. Ian will listen to me... but... he doesn't always really understand me. Andy... never really seems to understand the totality of my thoughts either. I have been wishing that he and I will finally understand each other, but... I think that I will have to be on wait for FAR TOO LONG! I will just let go of him and be free and let him be free.
I wonder why I'm so controlling? Is it just my nature? Is it due to mom's nurture? I don't know.
Whatever, all I really care about is finishing my degree and traveling. That's all, lol. Georgia is nice... but I WANT TO TRAVEL! I've been bored on certain days. I'm doing well at the internship and the volunteering, but... yeah... I'd rather get lost and travel my head off! :-) Oh, Freedom, freedom, freedom!!!!
Later, journal ::sigh::
Aaron
Often while I grew up I felt like the "extra wheel", except with my mother, my aunt Debora, and with my great grandmother Jerusha. With my grandmother Evelyn... I felt that she didn't like me much, but she became warmer towards me after I turned seven years old. I didn't see my grandmother Rachel often enough to develop a relationship. I hope that I find her again.
Back in the U.S., I'm learning to socialize and to engage in life. I've always kept myself so secluded due to fear of being exposed to the wrong people, who I expected to hurt me. I used to get teased a lot as a kid. I've always tried to keep a shield around myself because of that expectation of attack. These days I am learning to be brave and to let down my guard.
Valancia and I have started to be friends again. It has been great to talk to her. She helps me to think about why I am the way that I am. She and I have many similarities. I think that's due to our Haitian connection. She's half Haitian on her mom's side and half Black American on her dad's side.
Besides her, I've seen Ayeshah for the first time. She and I were only friends on Facebook and Skype. We went out last Friday to see The Hunger Games with her two of her friends. I went with Valancia. We all had a great time. The movie was great. After we bought some ice cream at Kilwin's in Atlantic Station.
::sigh:: I think... I should just treat Andrew and Ian as roommates instead of brothers, lol. Then I could feel better about living at home. I must also remember that I'm 26 years old! I gotta stop thinking about myself as a teenager or a kid! I have to release myself from excessive duty. No one really needs me at home. I can be free and not feel guilty about traveling abroad! I guess when I think of mom, I feel a sense of responsibility, but now I just feel responsible for myself. Mom... impoverished me. Not a little, but A LOT! ::sigh:: I feel that I went from being a prince to being a pauper... I had no idea how bad things were until I returned home. I gotta free myself from this obligation or it will kill me before I really start to live for God and me! :-) I feel that I deserve freedom. True freedom from worry.
I despise Andrew and Ian for smoking. I despise them even for some or nearly all of their friends. I despise Ian for not attending college or having enough where withal to be more responsible to the household. I despise their father for being a cheating fool. I despise myself for not taking another job abroad!!! ABOVE ALL!! :-)
I feel so much better now. I gotta be free of my family. I put the burden upon myself. I don't want to ignore my family, but it seems that it is exactly my solution. Or I'll just drag myself down. I pray to God that I am accepted for the TAPIF program. I must let go of all my fear, resentment, and doubt.
I just met a girl at Dollar General. She invited me to Point of Grace Church for an evening service. I've never been there. I agreed to go. I hope to enjoy myself there. I hope to learn something too.
Well, I will promise to allow myself freedom from worry, guilt, anger, resentment, doubt, obsession, etc.
I promise to myself to be happy! LOL. I am laughing now and I'm glad to be smiling. I saw some pictures of myself and I have lacked a smile most of my life. Now I have a smile and I love it!
I think this is my year of freedom! I just need some friends with whom to talk about this. Ian will listen to me... but... he doesn't always really understand me. Andy... never really seems to understand the totality of my thoughts either. I have been wishing that he and I will finally understand each other, but... I think that I will have to be on wait for FAR TOO LONG! I will just let go of him and be free and let him be free.
I wonder why I'm so controlling? Is it just my nature? Is it due to mom's nurture? I don't know.
Whatever, all I really care about is finishing my degree and traveling. That's all, lol. Georgia is nice... but I WANT TO TRAVEL! I've been bored on certain days. I'm doing well at the internship and the volunteering, but... yeah... I'd rather get lost and travel my head off! :-) Oh, Freedom, freedom, freedom!!!!
Later, journal ::sigh::
Aaron
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