I feel lost...

I still want to travel... Mom is doing better, but still needs help... I feel like an ass for not helping her when I can, but honestly I feel physically TIRED.  I feel like I never get enough sleep.  I worry about her taking all her pills, but I wish that she would take them without being prompted.

I'm thinking of applying for a Librarian job in Shanghai, but I ask myself what do I really want?  Do I want to keep hopping around the world and not being fixed in one place?  I ... could have said YES! without reservation months ago, but now I feel guilty for wanting to leave home.  Mom said that she supports my travel desires, but I'm not sure of anything right now.

I think that I much prefer to stay in the librarian profession.  If I go abroad to work, then I hope it's to work as a librarian and not as an English teacher.  I'll continue to see what my options are before I make a choice.  I could force myself into an English teacher job, but I'm not sure that I will enjoy the experience.

I wish that this were easier, but mom did speak about me going to China in September or October.  That would be nice, but now I'm confused because I've been trying to convince myself to stay in Georgia for work.  Life is certainly not easy.

I just applied for a Library Assistant position at GPC in Decatur.  I just want to earn enough money to pay the mortgage and bills, but soon I will need to earn money to repay my student loans.

Let's see how things go.  I'll try my best to make the right choice.

My mother is a liar and a traitor

I made the mistake of choosing to drive with my mother to Folkston, Georgia for my interview with the Geo Group.  I wish that I had taken Greyhound like I had planned originally.

The interview went well, but of course I didn't sleep well.  Perhaps mom saved our lives... but I don't like how she chose to do it.  She lied about the car key being lost when she had hidden it.  She made up a story and bold-faced lied to me about the key's location.  She kept it on her body hidden from sight and I never knew.  I believed her too much and I hate that!

Her excuse was that I was too drowsy and fully aware since I was going to start the car around 3 AM while she was lying down in her seat without her safety belt.  I believe that I would have noticed that, but her "incensed" personality makes her think differently.  She also said that she's afraid to drive.  I told her that she shouldn't have come with me in the first place.  I wish that I had left her in Marietta yesterday morning.

I hate her.  I hate her mental illness and I think she's full of it.

I feel like she's ruining my life.  I normally try to burry my negative feelings, but I hate myself for emptying my bank account for my mother.  I hate her for being irresponsible financially and I hate myself for being stalwart and staying by her side.  She's a pain in the ass.  I couldn't believe that she hid the key instead of letting me drive... but she truly is mentally perturbed.  I don't know how to progress in the future.  I suppose I could find a big booty woman and a decent job and settle down.  I suppose that I could end my travel endeavors and just be happy with simplicity.

FUCK THAT!  I want more and I've been working towards GREATNESS!  My mother can live in a mental hospital such as the one mentioned by Peachford Hospital.  I don't want to cancel my dreams for her -- I really don't.  She has already disturbed my life enough.  I don't know why I keep on getting bullshit from life.  I hate this.  I suppose that God is punishing me or... preparing me for something?  I don't know.

I pray to Him that I get into the Foreign Service.  I'm not sure about taking the job with the prison in Folkston.  The place is nice and rural and the work should be relatively easy.  The libraries in the prison are small and very manageable.  The staff are very friendly too.  I don't know... I only considered that job because of mom and the household expenses.  What I really want to do is travel, live abroad, see new places, etc.  I wish that I had gone ahead with the Republic of Georgia.  I hate that I gave up my position.  Mom has had a lot of mental health problems... but I don't know when she will resolve them.  I pray that she does so that I can live my life FREELY!

French Teacher... finally?

I have an interview this morning at McEachern High School for a part time French teacher position.  I hope to be hired and I still have mixed feelings.  I'm not sure what my salary shall be, but it will be less than that of a full time teacher.  I hope to earn about $1,500 per month.

I pray that I get this job.  Perhaps I could still get the position with the Greening Youth Foundation.

I just pray for a miracle.  I'm tired of this difficulty.  I want liberation.

Mom really annoyed me.  She's starting to go back down the same path as before she went to Peachford Hospital.  I don't understand what's wrong with her.  It all has to do with her brain and in particular the right side of her brain.  She'll only get worse, I fear, but I don't know what to do for her.

I don't know if the pain is a figment of her imagination.  It seems to be real and her bodily movements are affected because of it.  I must buy her some medications today to replace the other ones.  I should have done that yesterday, but I get over involved with helping her in the house.

I HATE THIS SITUATION THAT I RETURNED TO!  I REALLY DO!

I just hope that I don't go crazy.