My long-lasting headache

Mom had an outburst this evening. She screamed, "Jesus, help me!" I talked with her about it... eventually, at first I didn't go to her, because I am TIRED of her mental extravagances. I'm tired of destroying myself too and stopping myself from living the life that I wanted. I'm not completely selfish, and I see that taking care of the house is very important. I now see that I will probably need to stay in the U.S., no matter how disappointed I am about what I hoped to do. I HATE THIS WHOLE SITUATION! Maybe I'll have a reprieve in Republic of Georgia, but living abroad for me may be only a fantasy for now. Whatever... I'll figure something out. I'm pretty tired right now from thinking excessively. I need to relax my mind.

Mania

So.... Maybe mom's depression is causing me to feel depressed too? I think that this is true. We'll see how things unfold this week. That's to say, how I feel at week's end. I just applied for a Library Technician position with the Library of Congress. I would be a good fit for the position, but I worry still that I would be bored of it after a while. I think that I will go to the Republic of Georgia once the TLG program sends me an email to confirm my position. It may be the least wise decision in terms of money, but I'm not getting far with reducing mom's depression. I prefer to make myself happy even if I can't convince her to be happy. I think I'll be risky and sign the contract to teach in Georgia and be on my way. I'm reading two books on the country, one a juvenile country book on Georgia and the other an adult book called something like Georgia, poetry of the Caucasus. The adult book is quite good and the juvenile one is very informative. I'm such a crazy dreamer. I can't be satiated by Georgia. It bores me to think of only living here. I'm not doing the state justice, but my mind is too boundless to be restrained to Georgia. I need to explore a little more and broaden my horizons on life. I may end up making "mistakes" but I'm willing to risk that in order to have more adventure and happiness in the way that I want to achieve them! HA! I'm so diabolical! What makes me relent is that I'm concerned that if I do get a well paying position in Georgia, then I should keep it to earn more money and enjoy that life. I could also pay off my student loans in a few years. But what will make me happy? Simply fitting in and taming myself? Will that be enough? Hm... if I open myself enough to local life, then yes. It has taken me SO LONG to reach a point of compromise. I was so UNWILLING to admit defeat. How could I the great traveler/adventurer/English teacher succumb to life in Georgia? Now I am SO CONFUSED about how to continue my life endeavors. I get worried about whether I will ever settle down. Perhaps I shan't and the airplane and the open sky will be my consistent home. Oh, alas... what does my future hold? I know not, but I dare to dream and challenge what could be. Oh... destiny, advenure, the challenge of countries unknown to me... OH, it does rile me up and excite me for I could do and see and experience. Am I fool to dare so much or... am I wise to challenge? My heart says... GO! Stride forth in complete confidence and touch your foot everywhere that you dare! I may be a maniac, but at least I'm listening to my heart and soul.

Escape

I think that I will go abroad to the Republic of Georgia. I am bored with my life. What have I to really look forward to? Nothing is what I keep on coming up with in my mind. I'm tired of mom's depression and displeasure. I don't know how to help her and she just gets on my nerves. I'm waiting on Kennestone Hospital to approve her therapy. Please, God help me to get out of the USA. I need something God to make me happy again the way that I was before I returned home last May. I hate this new, lethargic life. Maybe I just have a bad attitude, but I'm tired of this bullshit. Fuck all this. I need to release.

Tired...

I'm tired and wondering if I should or shouldn't return to the information session. I guess that I will because I am learning new things. There are some new employees who just began to work this week or last week. One is called Allen. He works with Caroline in Communications. I work in the same department. I applied to a French teacher position at Kell High School. The position is part time. I just visited the school's website and the current/former French teacher taught many levels of the language. She has French 1 to 5 on her blog. I pray that I get the job if nothing else works out. I also have my interview tomorrow for the ESOL position with EFL Atlanta at Oglethorpe University. I pray that I look the part and that the administrators of the program take me seriously. I should have gone to bed earlier once again, lol. This is going to be a problem with me for a while. I guess that my problem right now is that I don't know what will make me happy. I'm just... TIRED. I'm praying for clarity and to not inherit bogusness from my mom. Let me go eat and forget my woes.

What will the future bring?

I am wondering what the future will bring? I have applied to some jobs in metro Atlanta and I hope to be called for interviews to a few of them. I think that earning more money and using it to pay off my student loans is better than teaching in the Republic of Georgia. However, my more playful mind wants to continue to teach abroad more than anything. I started to talk with Zyisha. She's quite kind. I like her voice and what she has to say. I just saw a girl at Aldi that I found rather pretty. She was Latina and looking cute in her one-piece tank and short outfit. She had died the tips of her hair red and it looked nice. She was showing a lot of skin, her shoulders, her back and her legs, but she seemed kind in her eyes. I hope to see her again. I thought to approach her, but she was with a female friend and a male friend. Maybe one of them was family; but I don't know. I'm always cautious with women. I took months to finally ask for Zyisha's contact information. It turns out that she's afrocentric and has an interesting belief in God and Egyptian culture. I'd like to learn more about her. Well, for now I hope to get a local job and to help mom to recuperate her sense of independence. She likes watching EVERYTHING on PBS and is at the moment watching a children's show on GPB. I was more alarmed at her childlike behavior, but now I am just glad that she has enough motivation to do things for herself instead of relying on me or others.

Yearning to Breathe Free

I'm a little tired and stressed from thinking about mom's situation. I guess that I should call people for help and direction, but I guess I'm being too proud? I don't know. I just get frustrated over mom's yelping, strange calls and her head pain. Maybe the St. John's Wort is affecting her and causes her to make the yelping noses. I don't know. The medicines may be interacting. She said that she's tired of taking them, perhaps she can stop the aspirin. We can ask the doctors on Monday. I'm just tired of feeling helpless, but I guess that I should ask for help, but I ask for what exactly? I just need to rest for the most part.

Doubt

I'm having doubt about going to teach abroad. Primarily money is now deterring me. I will earn only $228 per month in the Republic of Georgia as an English volunteer teacher. I wonder if it will be worth it to go? I think it will be worth it, but not for the money. The real worth will come from the experience of living in another part of the world and getting to know another people. I wonder too if I'm not starving myself of a "proper life" in the U.S.? I have asked myself if I shouldn't submit to real life and stop reaching endlessly for goals that don't seem to have a ceiling or an absolute target. Perhaps I'm fooling myself? Maybe sticking with Upward Bound is my ticket to a permanent life in Georgia. I would have been so scared at that prospect last year, but at this moment, that doesn't sound so bad. I must be mad, right? I, the world traveler, willing to succumb to domestic life in the U.S.? Oh, man, this whole ordeal with mom really has brain-washed me. Can it be that my train journey on Amtrak from Naperville, Illinois to San José, California was my last great voyage? I pray to God to have many more voyages. Well, I guess that the contract from the Teach and Learn with Georgia program will convince me more that the possibility of teaching there is destined.

Newness of mind

I did not look at porn last night nor masturbate. Yay to me! I overslept and thus I am at home listening to the Turner Chapel broadcast online. Mom was awake and asked me to give her her pills, but I stayed in bed and told her to do it alone. I don't know if she took the pills. She is now sleeping. I do feel bad about not waking up in time for the Tuner Chapel shuttle, but I pray that God forgive me and mom. We were just really tired from going out yesterday. The 4:00PM route 10 bus from Atlanta was about 20 minutes late. Someone told me that there was too much traffic, but I think that the driver did not use the HOV lane. I may call the CCT to advise their drivers to ALWAYS use the HOV lane in order to bypass traffic. I keep on wondering how to live from now on. I want to give more respect to life in Georgia, but unfortunately I don't expect much out of Georgia. I gotta make more friends, I guess. Or just go out with friends instead of spending most of my time with mom and doing little but caring for her. I'm so bored and so tired. Whatever, I'm going to the Republic of Georgia and I can't wait to scan my FBI CRC so that I can submit to the program and reserve a position. I gotta make a move to do something and have faith and hope in that decision. Fear-mongering will only keep me sad and depressed. After Georgia, I'd like to work for a year in the U.S. Then I may go abroad again. I'm not sure yet, but I'll feel how God leads me. Later,

Seeking clarity

Naturally, I can't stop thinking about going abroad. I just searched for jobs on Indeed.com using 'french' and 'library'. I searched in Washington and New York. I also searched in Toronto and Montreal. I'm trying to be motivated to stay in the U.S., but going abroad would thrill me more. I guess I won't get rid of this desire for a long time. I hope that I come to a clear decision by the time that I receive the FBI criminal record check. Maybe my escapades around the world don't need to come to an end. I wonder when Ava will finally go to Korea? She's been delayed at home longer than three months. I do get worried that mom will be vexed without me, but I am developping my faith that she'll be fine without me. I just read the reactions of three former teachers who had taught English in Georgia. Their reactions are in an article of the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/24/world/europe/24teachers.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 They notice the problems in Georgia and those of the teaching program. I think that I could deal with the problems and help the students to be great. I just hope that I feel 100% about going versus being a complete worry-wort.

Incensed to Act at Upward Bound

Yesterday evening at Upward Bound, Rashad admitted that he has difficulty spelling long words of English. I was appauled when he, Calvin and Ramon tried to spell "sophisticated". They wrote the word according to how we hear it, but not according to its proper spelling. I was appauled. These guys are about 15 and sophomores. They have to work on their spelling skills and their grammar. I said to Rashad that we can work on his English skills, and I will talk with Mr. Rich about helping him. I prayed to God last night that those three boys improve their English skills. They cannot continue being poor at spelling. That's very bad. I pray that all people around them help them too.

Choosing a Future

I'm trying to choose a future.

If I succeed in being hired for a full time librarian job, then I will take it.  I have applied to work as a French teacher and as a Media Specialist for Atlanta Public Schools.  If I get such a position, I will take it.  I have allowed my idealism and my realism to wrestle and the winner is ... pragmatism.  Thus, I need money and working full time in the U.S. will allow me to have it.

The alternative is to continue to be a ruffian and teach English in the Republic of Georgia and maybe go to Korea to teach for six months.  I'm not sure about doing either since I am receiving mom's Social Security Benefit money and using it to pay the mortgage and house bills.

A friend, Alésandra, reinforced the idea that I take vacations in the summer and work full time as a French teacher.  I found her advice profound.  I ask myself if I would really be so satisfied working abroad.  Perhaps that life is over for me at least for now.  Perhaps I could reignite that life in the future.

Thus... if I stay in Georgia and work full time.  I could get married and have children.  That opens a new door of life experiences.  Perhaps it's time that I embrace that aspect of adult life.  Well, I will try to relax and be patient and not go crazy over estimating my potential future.

I feel like I am giving up, but maybe I am just growing up?  Only God knows.

As for love, I like Ava.  We do have differences that I think we both shield from the other, but we admire each other as friends.  She has a house given to her by her mother.  She has that responsibility so I think it won't be easy for us to be together.  I reminded myself that I like Melissa Grammont.  I don't know if she could like me, but we do talk to each other easily.  I may ask her if she wants to go out.

Working at Upward Bound... can be a challenge.  I learn SO MUCH from the students about high school life of today.  There's a lot that I didn't know.  At times I get annoyed at the staff and their side-chatter, but I've learned to endure it and move on and keep my personal hope alive.  At times I have little interest in living in Georgia due to my experience of working there.  I just get that feeling that working an Atlanta public school will just be worse.  I believe my hope will be a librarian job or something in archives, but getting such a position is DIFFICULT!  Which is a big reason why I constantly want to leave and teach abroad.

Working at Habitat for Humanity is better, but the work is new.  Perhaps I will have problems later, but since the work atmosphere is ecumenical and corporate, I don't feel agitated there.  However, I know that I should tackle my hair.  I get so lazy about it though that I don't care how my hair looks at all most of the time.  I guess I shall shave myself bald finally.  I may keep the beard.  I like the beard.

I guess if I get a full time job, I may buy a car, but if it's not necessary, I shall not.  A car is a chasm of cost that I have been avoiding like the plague!

I guess that I'll figure out my future little by little.  I must keep things in perspective and not lose hope.  I could go to Georgia, but when I think that I'll return to the U.S. for work... I don't feel completely confident about the future.  Mom's health is also a great factor in my decisions.  I think that ultimately I shall stay and not go.  Let's see.

Hope for Happiness

So it seems that my travel bug will never die!

I filled out my application for the FBI criminal summary check.  I must print out a sheet for fingerprints at the library tomorrow.

I'm trying to decide what to do for my future.  For now I am considering going to the Republic of Georgia, teaching French full time in the U.S., or working as a librarian in the U.S.

My tendency for travel grows stronger since my mom is stabilizing.  I do not want to wait by her side forever, because that is ostentatiously BORING!

Some of my fellow tutors at Upward Bound were advising me on teaching for Atlanta Public Schools, but I think that I don't want to.  I have to say that I would have a sigh of relief once I finished working for APS.  Somehow I have no zeal for really wanting to teach for them, lol!

So, I pray to God to go to the Republic of Georgia and to be brave concerning my mom.  I don't need to feel bad about my desire for travel.  Perhaps she could come, but I KNOW that I must do something for myself or I will completely regret my life, which has taken a nosedive.

Second try for the Republic of Georgia

I can and I would like to make a second try to teach in the Republic of Georgia.  I asked Teach and Learn in Georgia, the program, if I could apply.  They said that I only need to submit my FBI criminal record check.

I was really interested in going yesterday, but I've spoken to Andy about it by phone.  He... said it was up to mom.  Mom felt worried initially, but is OK with me going.

I've been going back and forth over it.  I ask myself what the ultimate benefit would be?  It would be great to see Eastern Europe.  I only know the western part.  It would be great to be in a region of the world where I've never been.  I will earn little money, but I'm going primarily for the experience and to help some elementary children to learn English.

I want to request the FBI CRC and send it just to keep myself on the emotional high that I had yesterday.  The prospect of going makes SO HAPPY!  I know that I should "grow up" and apply to be a French teacher, but I have too much desire to fulfill my dreams... and being a French teacher is not exactly one of them.  However, it is a long term job that can make my life happy.

Decisions, decisions...

I would like the break from taking care of mom to do something fun.  But I ask myself will I want to keep going abroad?  The answer is YES!  :D

I don't know if mom will vastly improve with physical therapy.  I suppose that she will.  I feel torn because of her.  I wish that I had no desire to leave the country, but Georgia aggravates me, lol.  I really don't want to submit to living here.  I need the thrill and hope of adventure.

I'll have to talk with Andy about taking care of mom.  When I think about money... then I remember that it would be most pertinent that I procured a full time position sooner than later.  My self-esteem is growing, thus I'm coming to the point of wanting to do more and behave as a professional.

My desire to go away also stems from my fatigue with putting away my own wishes, dreams, hopes for others.  I'm TIRED of that!  I feel like I'm always subjectifying myself and not being honest about what I want from life.  I also feel a little dead and lifeless.  I pray not to be selfish in my travel ambition, but I know how potentially bad I may appear.  I'm already thinking of a plan to leave for six months, then stay home for six months and leave again to do Talk in South Korea!

That would be extraordinarily AWESOME if I could do that, but I think I may not be able to.

I wish that I had really lived as a child while I was a child and that I had permitted myself to be more crazy as an adolescent and younger 20 -something, instead of being such a late-bloomer/old soul.  But I have to give responsibility of my mom to Andy.  I think that he could manage her.

I've been thinking of applying for food stamps again just to maximize mom's money in savings.

Well, I suppose that I'll make a decision concerning the Republic of Georgia before June or so.

Dreams... dashed or still doable?

I'm pondering some things and wondering if I can still fulfill my dreams.

I guess I could still travel abroad, but I guess I'll have to settle for vacations instead of living abroad.  Maybe I have to ask ANdrew to take care of mom after he earns his Associate's degree.

I have evil thoughts towards mom at times.  I recognize her mental recuperation little by little, but I really wish to reclaim my independence.  I can't dream, foresee or feel inspired to do anything without thinking about her now.  I HATE THIS!  I keep wondering if mom had been more obedient to God would she be in a better state or would she still be in her post stroke condition?

I pray to God for relief.  Maybe I should place mom in a nursing home?  That doesn't sound right to me.  I don't want to be selfish, but I get beleaguered by my mother's condition.  I ask myself when she'll be absolutely well again to live alone?

I hate Carl for cheating on her and leaving her.  I hate myself to for not making Andrew more responsible.  I suppose he likes getting away with giving mom the least care possible.  I feel guilty for not... wanting to interact with the family as much as I probably should.  Is that my own fault?  I guess so... but I haven't had much to do with the others.  I guess this is all a big fateful push from God to make me recognize that I was living too far away metaphorically from the others.

But what is my greatest complaint... my loss of freedom to travel.  That's all and also feeling that my best way of creating a successful work life for myself is to pursue a full time French teacher position.  I drag my feet, because I don't want the responsibility.  I guess this has been the purpose of those 10 years of study.  I feel at times that I have wasted my youth not doing what most other young people do.  I hate myself for being so socially anxious.  I just pray to be able to live abroad again hopefully without mom, because I don't want to tag her along for the rest of my life.  I love her, but... I'm tired of halting my life for her.  I've been doing that my whole life and I need to cut those ties that bind.

Please God liberate me and heal my mother completely.  Please God grant me my freedom again.  Please, Lord, please!

Stop running away from the U.S.?

I think I have to stop running away from the U.S.  Why am I so attracted to leaving this country?  I don't know...  I guess I feel that I grow while living in other countries, whereas in the U.S. I sort of reject whatever growth I can go through here.

Why is that?

I don't know... I'm just very drawn to living in other countries and having new experiences.  Another good question is.. why am I so reluctant to teach full time?  I don't really like teaching, lol.  That's the bottom line.  I just want to be a quiet worker, such as a librarian or an archivist.  I hope that I will find a full time job or one that pays me sufficiently in one of those roles or something related.

I just found some interesting information professional positions in Washington, D.C.  I lost my motivation to apply for work outside of metro Atlanta, because I'm trying to help mom to get better, but I'm losing my "mojo", my "juice" for exploring potential career options.

Perhaps all that I really need is a full time job in the U.S. as a librarian or something related.  I keep on trying to foresee a future, and it's difficult.  I feel that I cannot commit myself any longer to my true dreams of travel and adventure, and substituting that for long term career in the U.S. doesn't feel like enough.  I'm still in my twenties so I want freedom for myself and I yearn to be free everyday.  But, I think that God is trying to tell me something...  what is it?  Be responsible to mom and don't ignore your family.   URGH!  I do love them, but I feel... slowed down by them?  Is that it?  I don't know... Is that wrong to say?  My dreams don't really align with incorporating my family with them?  Is that what I'm learning?  Urgh... this is difficult or not?

Maybe I'm making a bigger deal of all this than it has to be.

I suppose that I should just wait it out and be patient...  perhaps the "career" job can wait until later.  Perhaps I'm rushing into something that I can wait to acclaim later.  This is why I'm never sure of my decisions.

Nothing is clear for me for now.  I'm trying to play that proverbial chess game and I can't determine my next move.  The easiest thing to do seems to stay in Georgia and be content.

I don't work this week on account of the snow.  The metro area was not ready for it so the roads or snowy and icy.  No salt nor sand was laid down in advance, thus people have been trapped in schools or on the roads with little recourse.  It's a little embarrassing.  So much wealth and means yet not enough brains to prepare for three inches of snow.  Oh, well, I suppose that metro Atlantans can't be good at everything.  I didn't take the snow forecast seriously myself.

I think my most probably future for now is to be a full time librarian and take great vacations around the world as much as I can.  I pray that I make that come true.  I don't know how mom will develop, but at least she can move her body enough.  I have to pray stronger and with greater intention.  I get sad and lose confidence FREQUENTLY.  It's horrendous at times.  I want to change that.

Perceiving some spector of the future...

I might work with Habitat for Humanity as a volunteer on a video/photo librarian project.  It sounds very cool.  I really hope that I get the position!

Work at Upward Bound is going well.  I do at times think that people are talking about me, but then I get over it.  I hope that Mrs. Moore is OK.  She seemed a little tired Thursday evening.  I might buy something for her for her birthday on April 30th.

I met Jesse Hightower, the Executive Director of the TRIO Programs Thursday.  He was asked by the Dean of the college if he knew of anyone who could teach Spanish at the college.  I hope that they find someone soon.  I posted a message on Facebook.

I just had a go and it felt good, lol.  Maybe doing that is my remedy to feeling better.  It's quite therapeutic when I'm so unfortunately groggy, sleepy, and lethargic most of the time.  I often ask myself what my life is worth and what's the point of living?  I'm trying to hold myself together despite the desire to just run away.  I guess I would look like a punk if I did so.

Fatigue and a whirl of thoughts

I'm quite tired today.  I'm trying to be happy, but taking the bus late at night is getting to me.  It's fatiguing.  Maybe I will leave regularly at 6:30 pm from AMSC.  But I don't want to leave the students if they need help until 7 pm.

Well, I'm trying to keep my mind simple and focused on the present day instead of worrying about the future and other stuff.

I just had a great "session" and it felt good.  I even thought about Morgan, but she's married and has a daughter.  Go figure.  Kiersten is cute too.  I guess I should be friendlier with her.  I guess I like Morgan's nerdy allure.

I wondered if I had been too hard on Calvin.  He had to do conjugations of AR, ER, and IR verbs in Spanish.  He did well with some help from me and Mrs. Moore.  I might have gone a bit far, but he produced good results.  I keep thinking that I've seen his sister before, but it can't be.  She has such a face.

I thought that Frederick resembles Olivia.  He doesn't know her, but I may point her out to him.