Latest thoughts

I like this porn star, Jazzie Que / Jasmine Stallion... problem!  LOL.  She's attractive, but I wouldn't want to marry her.  That's my aim as a Christian to pursue a woman that I would marry.  It is strange that I like her, but she has an admirable body.  It's her colorful wigs and tattoos on her butt that I like.  I try to be a man of God, but I still like "rougher" or "ghetto" women.

In congruence with this topic... mom and I went to Harry's with Shaunah.  That was out of the blue!  I wish that mom had not requested to go, but she enjoyed going and buying some things.  I think that my mom may drive me a bit nuts with her purchases, but I will try my best to create a budget for her.

I will probably apply for food stamps again.

Back to Shaunah... I started to "admire" her body again.  She told me that her daughter had been raped three years ago and now she has a child.  The daughter was only 13!  YIKES!  I wonder what their lives were like before they moved to Georgia.  I find that situation so unfortunate!  I asked Shaunah if she could help bathe mom and such and stay with her three days out of the week.  A nurse of the hospital recommended that I hire someone.

I really hope that mom will not need such help--I pray to God about that.  I thought to ask Cynthia or Tacara... I wonder if they could?  I know that Cynthia said Sunday could work.  We'll see.  If mom really needs it then I will make it happen, but otherwise I will try to avoid it for a while.  I'm still getting used to this new life.  Oh, boy, may God help me to accept it.  I feel a fool to complain when it's mom who's really going through a substantial change.

As for the fast... I want to give up looking at porn and sexual images.  That's not an easy feat.  I just looked at some images, but not porn at least!  It's a process.  I hope that I avoid looking for all of 2014, but that is easier said than done.  I also hope to find some happiness from new employment and maybe from a girlfriend.  Who knows... if the year goes wel enough, I may even lease a Nissan Leaf!

I have no idea of what to expect from 2014.  I just hope that mom's health shall improve astronomically!  I also hope that I will not wallow in pity and sadness.  I hated this year's horrible turn of events.  I pray to God in Heaven that better days lie ahead in 2014.

Feeling better...

I am feeling better.  This is good.  I don't feel as suicidal and I don't hate my life as usual.

I am learning to juggle my expectations, my reality and just finding joy in everyday.

Mom and I went to Town Center Mall today.  I got quite tired, but I saw how other people live and that they're happy.  I remembered how idealistic I am and that I really do need to put that away or change it so that I can accept regular life in Georgia and just appreciate it.

I like to think that I'm "above" the consumer culture of the U.S.  I do at times despise it and say to myself that people don't need all these things that they want.  But... is it so bad to want smart phones, expensive food from the food court, over-priced clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch, etc.?  I don't know... most countries of the world want to have all these things that Americans enjoy.  Are they all truly happy with these things?  I don't know.  I guess so...

Going through university taught me not to over value all this stuff that 1st world citizens can enjoy.  I wanted to honor living simply.  I like living in other countries, but I'm errant for taking airplanes which pollute the air in order to realize my personal dreams of living abroad.  Then I want to be preachy about the "right way" to live.  I'm an oxymoron of what I at times try to expound to others.

So what now... how should I see the world?  How should I think towards life?  God and His Holy Word are my only solutions.  As long as I stick with God, I'll know what to do with my life.  I think my problem for now is trying to understand my direction in life and along with that, NOT OVER-THINKING!!!!!  This is the single thing that is killing me and I'm neglecting that life is STILL going on around me!  I can't continue the way I thought when I was 22.  I can't pretend that I'm an island, I must engage in the world or I will only regret my insistence to keep myself segregated in society and mentally.  In effect, I must learn to relax, and blend in instead of trying to be distinct.

I find that a bit scary.  I adore my uniqueness, but now I'm learning that being one of the mass is not so bad.  If I at least appreciate the world around me, then my mental stress will subside and I'll feel better about my new life with a mother recovering from a stroke.

I thank God for the little revelations that I have everyday.

Feeling trapped, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel

So... I definitely want to be a librarian.  I've been contemplating my decision not to take the position at GPC Decatur.  I just wish that getting home would be easier.

Perhaps I'll have another chance of a job with GPC, if I get contacted by their Clarkston campus.

I just thought today that it might be nice teaching English for six months in the Talk program in Korea.  I could also teach English in the Republic of Georgia for six months.  I wonder if these experiences would be worth the effort?

I know my heart.  I don't care about earning a lot of money.  I care more about having great experiences!  I didn't like living for a whole year in Korea.  I got bored after a while and I really was ready to quit after seven months, lol.  I don't like preparing lessons because I'm lazy.  I hate all the fine details of planning out lessons.  I'm thinking to quit teaching completely and just dive into a librarian position, wherever I find one.  I still want to travel blissfully.  I love traveling.  I find that the best part of teaching abroad, just being somewhere different.

Oh, boy... I guess I'll figure this out eventually.  Mom's OK with me leaving for six months.  I guess that I won't know what I really want for a while.  Let's see how work goes once we're in January.

I think for now, I'm just trying to find happiness.  I'm still learning what will make me truly happy as opposed to assuming.

On a side note, I should wrap Andrew's presents.  I don't really feel like it for some reason.  I think I'm rejecting Christmas.  I don't feel the holiday.  Thanksgiving and Halloween ... I didn't feel them either.  I just want to disappear most of the time.  I feel like I've lost something....

What to do in the future? What will 2014 bring?

If 2013 has ended up being a year of destruction and chaos... will 2014 be a year of creation and harmony?

I hope so.

Perhaps my steady penance of caring for mom will pay off next year?

I keep on asking myself if I still want to live abroad?  I don't know.  Mom is not completely helpless, but she cannot go shopping for herself without saluting, putting her hands together and blessing through gestures.

I do not understand why she's doing that.  I think it's due to her drugs.  I wonder what would happen to her if she stopped taking them completely?  Should we test that?

I wonder if skipping the Levetiracetam would produce a different result?  I may try that tomorrow.

I will go to Town Center Mall tomorrow without mom just to give myself some space to be me without her.  She does burden my spirit a bit.  I wish to be so free.  God, help me to hold on, because I honestly can't wait to be free to travel again.  I asked Valina if I could visit her in St. Hubert, near Montréal.  She said yes.  Perhaps I'll go there next summer.

I really do need breaks from mom.  I suppose that Cynthia could help her, but I always expect a monetary request from her.  I don't like that.

Well, I guess that I'll figure things out little by little.  I just can't believe how crushing that car accident has ended up being for mom.  I wish that she had relieved herself of over-involved relationships for the past 8 years.  That would have freed her from a lot of over-obligation and negative karma.

I pray to God for some relief and that mom be able to speak in public and stop doing gestures at every turn while she's outside.

Life... what is it worth? Dreams dashed... for a sufficient life.

It's still my birthday.  I just saw The Hobbit 2 with my mom.  She behaved well.  She had a slight spike in behavior--she stomped her feet a bit.

The experience was OK.  I can't complain too much.

Cynthia asked for $1,000 today to pay her portion of her house' mortgage... I was expecting her to ask for money at some point.  It's amazing that she asked on my birthday.  She didn't mention my birthday at all.  Neither did William.  Shakim, Jr. was with them.  His smile made me happy.  He was watching Scooby Doo in the car.  He's adorable and he gave me some hope and happiness.  At times I want to die... I hate this new life of taking care of mom.  It's not what I ever wanted.  Mom's not horrible, but I struggle to accept the status quo.

I'm listening to some Beatles songs to relieve my mind. Sometimes, I want to be violent.  I'll try not to go overboard, though.  This world is not worth going overboard for.

I'll try to distract myself like all the other peons of the world do.  What film can I watch next?

One good piece of news... Emory University acknowledged receipt of my application to be a Research Library Fellow.  With any great chance, I shall be chosen.  May God bless it.

It's my birthday

It's my 28th birthday.  How do I feel?  I feel... sleepy.  It's 12:53 AM.  I stopped feeling happy in May and I started a LONG period of mourning after recognizing how much I needed to change my life due to my mother's difference in mental capacity.

This ordeal concerning my mother has been... VERY stressful and has forced me to GROW up a LOT!  I HATE it all absolutely.  I wish that mom had never had that car accident.  I don't know why she made such a bad choice in choosing to drive with Ma and Ian.  That was a recipe for disaster from the beginning.

Well... what's done is done, I suppose.  I hate that my thoughts are constantly about mom all the time.  I feel like I don't exist completely separately from her at times.

I pray that I sleep soundly tonight.

I wonder if I'm complaining too much about mom?  She does cook and clean the dishes, but still has a strong OCD habit of overusing paper towels.  She's a bit obsessed with that.

As for traveling... I'm not sure that I will ever live in another country.  I guess that is over.  I admit that I was getting bored of the live abroad thing.  I guess that "conforming" to a permanent life in Georgia is the right thing to do now.  At times, I don't like that I am so difficult to please.  It's a pain in the butt.

I guess that I'll be happy eventually.  I just want to be genuinely happy and not just "forcing" myself into some false concept of happiness.

I will try to pray that I get a "way out" in order to live abroad again.  Although I continue to feel that staying in Georgia is my fate for now.  Perhaps I'll start to take trips to other countries and places in the U.S. instead of living and working abroad.

I guess I must join the other mortals (LOL) and put aside the live around the world dream, and the aspiration to be an international citizen.  Perhaps I'll find a true love to make me believe that there is still a reason for me to live.  For months I often feel like dying or that I am dead already, but only keeping myself going at the behest of my mother.

I also keep thinking of buying Gluhwein (Christmas wine) from Aldi to keep my spirits up, lol.  I think that I may do so soon.  I also want to buy some Skechers sneakers.  My New Balance sneakers are more than a year old and are hurting my feet now.  It's time for some new ones.

I'm so tired of putting off my own happiness due to needing to help others.  It's such a pain at times.  But, I admit that being home in Georgia, helps me to socialize and remember who I am.  I suppose that this whole year has been a BIG pill that I have been trying to swallow and accept.

Please, Lord, help me with all these thoughts.  Amen.

Am I using mom as an excuse to not live my own life?

Hey,

a friend of mine, Ayeshah Dean, said that I was using my mother to excuse myself from living my own life.  I think that she's right, but I have a VERY just cause.  My mother really does need my help.  I also don't want to hand off her needs unto other family members.  I do feel at times that I'm shielding Andrew from the responsibility of caring for mom, but he does go out often.  I suppose I must talk to him more about being by mom's side.

I'm sort of writing off Ian, but I will keep peace with him since he did pay some money for rent and Shaunah's car was very useful.  I really need to take a walk.  I feel like getting drunk or seeing a late movie all by myself.  Maybe I'll dash out to see Catching Fire, lol.

Oh, Lord, help me!  I just want be happy again and to not grieve over anything.  I know that that's practically impossible, but please, help me God to see light at the end of the tunnel of despair.  Amen.

I want to be super human

It's been a while since my last posting.

I applied to teach English with Disney in China.  I got accepted and even accepted a contract.  I just declined the position saying that mom and my family needed me.

I must wait for my recruiter's response.  Part of me hopes that she will say that I must continue with the application anyway.  All that I want to do is to keep on traveling and living abroad.  I have found a new purpose in teaching French, but Upward Bound doesn't always need me.

::Sigh::  I feel like my life is over...

I hate that mom is so mentally vexed.  Talk about a horrible combination of desire, reality and consequence of events.  I may just need to wait and be patient, but it kills me at times.

At least I made a new friend in Holly.  She's from Denver.  She lives off Booth Road.  She's 38, which surprised me.  I thought she would be around my age.  She works at a costume studio for film.  She can also design and make dresses.  I suppose that she's a seamstress or a costume designer.

Her roommate was born in the Bronx.  The roommate drove us from the Blue Moon Pizza restaurant yesterday night back to our neighborhood.  She's pretty nice.

Back to my bigger malaise... I just thought about buying a car!  AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate growing up!  Fuck!  I hate living in a super car-centric place!  I hate it!

Please, God, help my mother to be tremendously better by the summer of 2014!  I really want to go abroad again and live elsewhere!  Please, Lord, don't trap me in Georgia!

I had an interview yesterday to be the Reference Librarian at the Art Institute of Atlanta in Decatur.  I would like the job and I think that I will do well with the challenge of managing their library.  I wonder why the current librarian wants to leave?

Georgia Perimeter College in Decatur also contacted me for a Reference Librarian position, but it's an hourly position.  I'm debating if I should not accept it?  I think that I could benefit from upward mobility.  I don't know if Upward Bound can offer that.  Perhaps, the wicked commute to Decatur will be worth it if I can count on advancing up the library ladder.

Upward Bound is better for me for now because the commute is less taxing upon me and the atmosphere of the job is less demanding.  However, today I had no student that wanted help with French.  Perhaps I should accept the offer from GPC.  I really wish that I could work that job in the morning, but the hours are in conflict.  I'll call the supervisor tomorrow to give her a decision.

As for cars, I like the Nissan Leaf, which is all electric, but I like that the Honda Insight can take gasoline and thus travel farther than the Leaf.  I ask myself many philosophical questions, one of which is... should I buy a car?  My feeling is NO!  I want to be an international traveler!  I don't want a bloody car!  Also I believe too much in living green and having a car is not a part of that scheme.  Perhaps I shall lease a car if I end up having enough money.

OH... GOD!  I pray that I am not making the wrong choice in turning down Disney English!  I have to be confident that this is the right choice.  I've been feeling it in my heart that it is since Monday.  Mom has been approved for receiving Social Security benefits, thank God!  Thus, with this money, we'll be able to pay the mortgage and the bills.  This is our miracle before Christmas!  It also means that I don't really need to go abroad to work.  I do witness how much mom needs me and that I help her, so I'll stay home and be more comfortable, as much as it makes me feel bored at times.

I started working as a French tutor... it was fun!

Hey, it's been a long time!  This time... I'm happy and positive for once.  God be praised!

I started working as a French tutor with the Upward Bound Program at Atlanta Metropolitan State College.

I had a good time.  I had only helped three students, but I hope to help more on Thursday.  I met Keenan, who is half Honduran like me.  I was happy to meet him.  Tutoring may convince me to pursue working as a French teacher or being a Media Specialist.

I may take the two GACE Media Specialist exams in November.  I just need to have enough money saved.

I hope to be seen for an interview with Atlanta Public Library.  Maybe they will call me this week.
I had an interview with Life University to be a Reference Librarian.  That was last Friday.  The interview went well.  The work hours are a bit difficult, but the salary should be good since the work is full time.

Well, I'm going to keep on hoping for a second job.

I hate my family

God... I hate my family.  I want to leave home and go away!  I hate that I've reduced my life for them.  Doing this has been good to help my mother, but I'm ready to leave.  Andrew and Carlyle, Jr. continue to smoke weed.  Carlyle, Jr. broke up with Iris after about two years of being a couple.  He's now with Shawna, a 35 year old mother of two sons.  I met her younger son Saturday evening.  I feel sorry for him, because Carlyle, Jr. is... not very smart and a waste of time for the most part.  He's also not diligent about thinking of other people.  He's an idiot.

Andrew has been living with his girlfriend, Brittany or staying with friends in order to get to work more easily.  He chose this solution since he got his car into an accident about two months ago.  I think that he was slightly drunk or was just being stupid.  His car is geared to go to fast, thus I'm not surprised that he ended up in an accident late at night, when his eye-sight is minimal.

I suppose that they both see themselves as men, but I think that they're both still quite immature.  I hate their father, Carlyle, Sr. who probably has a big problem with a debt collector or some such entity.  He cheated on my mom and chose to live with the other woman.  He pre-mediated a lot.  He bought a new house and thought to have Andrew, Carlyle, Jr. and even me to live with him...  I was absolutely REPULSED at the idea.  I HATE him.  I Hate them all.

As for my mother... I've been doing my best to care for her and try to keep our house, but frankly... I'm losing interest.  I wonder if moving to New York City isn't better and selling the house too?  However, I know that keeping the house is better for preparing my mother for retirement.  She'll want a cozy place to live.  I also like having a place to return to after living abroad or traveling.

I wonder what to do?  Should I bother to confront Carlyle, Jr. about his girlfriend, Shawna?  Or is that a mute point?  They are presumably sleeping downstairs together.  In what manner, I don't know.  Have they had sex?  I don't know.  I find them both pitiable and sad.  I don't understand why Shawna likes him.  I guess women find him funny and cute.  Women are dumb in that case, then.  Or just the ones that like him.  So, I ask myself... should I impede their relationship or allow it to run its course?  CJ said that they're only dating.  I don't know... I think Shawna likes him more than that, but I could be wrong.

Well, I just wanted to write about my thoughts.  I haven't slept well since Shawna is still here.  I thought that she would stay home, but she only dropped off her son.  She and CJ returned to the house.  I'm not pleased.  I will speak to CJ about that.

I guess it's because of all this reckless drama that my mother became unhinged and unbalanced.  I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The house smells of weed... brought to us by Andrew and/or Carlyle, Jr. and Shawna.  Oh, God, this is my life, lol!  I hate these bastards.  I wish them to Hell.  Maybe I should have more hope, but I won't feel good until Shawna leaves.  Perhaps I'll say something to her at her moment of departure, lol.  This is the first time that she has dared to sleep at our house.  How long did that take?  About two weeks, lol.  So, now I ask when shall they have intercourse or has that happened already?

THUS, why I want to get the Hell away from all of them.  I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY--ASSHOLES!  All of them, even my mother!  She helped to create this current reality.  Whatever, FUCK THE WORLD!  THE WHOLE WORLD SUCKS!  Everyone in the world are cock-suckers and I hate them all!

GOOD!  Now I feel better.  Fuck this shit!  I hope the Foreign Service sends me an email this week and that I can do the Oral Assessment, otherwise, I'm getting the fuck out of Georgia!  I still hope to get the job with Express Jet, Upward Bound and/or Bags, Inc. in order to stay for mom, but honestly I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY.  I should forsake them to be a disciple of Christ.  They are not worth my time.  They're cock-suckers and evil shits.  I hate them.  I hate them all.  I raise up and adore Christ instead of them.  FUCK THOSE EVIL ASSHOLES.  They can go to Hell.

Momma's Boy

Am I a momma's boy?

Considering my great lengths to care for my mother, I must say... YES!  LOL.

Is it so bad?  Hmm... part of me wishes that It were not true.  But, I feel like I haven't been able to defy this characterization since I'm my mother's eldest son.  She has doted upon me a lot, maybe more than on Andrew.  I suppose this is because I really only had one parent while I grew up, despite the presence of my stepfather.

I regret feeling... TOO close to my mother, but I'm not entirely confident in Andrew and Carlyle's abilities to care for her.  Hm... but when I begin to work, mom will have to take her pills herself.  She does need help with other things, but sometimes I think she's mostly fine as she is.

I have these ideas in my head after seeing an episode of Tyler Perry's "Love Thy Neighbor" on the OWN Network.  The son of one female character interacts with her and they're adorable, but a bit too sweet with each other considering the son is in his early to mid 20s.  That made me think that I'm a bit too close to my mom.  I don't think I fit the "Momma's boy" profile to the last letter, but I have definitely been rearranging my life in order to fulfill my mother's needs and to help my family to keep our house.  All of which I have hated and I have despised my mother for not thinking of the future of the house and not being prepared with a cushion of money to help pay the mortgage if something bad happened.

I am trying not to lose it and just give up, but sometimes I just want to disappear and not worry about my mom.  I do at times feel a bit strange with my mom, ushering her about as though she's 90--her traumatic brain injury--is really doing a toll on her mental and physical capacities.  I find it annoying and sad, but honestly I find it all funny at times even though it is a minor tragedy.  I rue the day of that fateful car accident.  The undo stress that my mom normally put upon herself really did a number on her.  In a way she received her just desserts, but others are also culpable, and I wonder if and when they shall be punished?  Perhaps they have been punished already or shall be soon?  I hope that they are haunted by my mother's current state.  Well, I will leave that alone, for vengeance is the Lord's and He deals out his wrath swiftly.

Well, barring external influences, I will try to stay true to my mom.  Our family has been turn up for years now and we're going through some of the results of the evil that has pervaded amongst us during that time.

I pray for God's deliverance and for patience to tame my soul when I need it.  I also pray for the Librarian job with Express Jet.  I want to be hired for it.

I had an interview with Target today and it went well.  I'll need to wait to see if I'm hired.

I have another interview tomorrow for Birney Elementary School to be a Lunchroom Monitor.  The school is so close to the house that I can just take bus 15 to get there.  That would be very ideal in terms of commute time, but I know that the Librarian position with Express Jet would build up my career better.

I was formally offered the Library Aide job in Folkston, Georgia.  I declined it ultimately.  I felt ... only mildly relieved, but I wish that the job were in metro Atlanta.  That would have been more helpful for me.

I will take a walk to think about things.  I didn't anticipate staying home for long, but I guess staying is better.  I'm too eager to arrive to the future, and I'm learning to appreciate the present at home, in Georgia, lol.  I'm still wondering if I should try to be a Media Specialist in a public school?  The pay and the benefits would be good.  I'm still waiting on the Foreign Service.  I pray that I am seen for an oral assessment.

Well, may God be with me and may I always hold strong to my dreams and never give them up no matter what difficult situation arises to deter me from my destiny.  Amen.

To God be the glory,
Aaron

A Big Mistake or the Right Move for Me?

I was supposed to go for a job interview to be a French Teacher with Campbell Middle School in Smyrna.  I rescheduled the interview for later in the day and ultimately I cancelled it.  I kept thinking over the decision to teach French and ... I know that I could do it, but I don't know if I would have wanted to keep the job for a long time.  Plus, I MUCH prefer to work as a Media Specialist.  I'm not sure that I could conform to the whole school teacher life now, when I still have the highest hopes of traveling around the world.

I'm so torn, because I want to stay in Georgia to care for the house, but my heart is definitely elsewhere.  I feel sick over this difficulty in choosing between staying in Georgia or even daring to dream about going abroad again.  Maybe I'm killing myself for nothing and I should just relax, but my mother's situation is difficult to live with.  I didn't anticipate having to take over her leadership role of our family.

I have a headache now.  I honestly just want to fly away and disappear from this predicament.  I described myself as selfish and spoiled to the counselor when mom and I were visiting her.  Due to my travel ambitions and my difficulty at simply remaining in the U.S.  I feel so destroyed at times because of this juggling of my potential fate.

What to do?  Stay in the U.S., work as a librarian to build up my professional experience?  Run to East Asia, have the fun that I never had, and save up money to pay off students loans and go to Australia and New Zealand for vacation?  Writing it that way, the answer seems CLEAR!  But if I do go back to East Asia, what do I do for money?  Or do I try to go to China in September or October?

Well, in any case, I want to wait for the result from the Foreign Service, which I should have in September.  I also need to wait for Walt Como, the supervisor at ExpressJet to know if he wants to hire me or not.

The D Ray James Correctional Facility posted their Library Aid position eight days ago, thus I may be "off the hook" from that work situation, lol.  I'm glad... I wasn't thrilled about living in Folkston, Georgia, neither about working at a prison.

I need the Lord so much to give me direction right now.

I feel lost...

I still want to travel... Mom is doing better, but still needs help... I feel like an ass for not helping her when I can, but honestly I feel physically TIRED.  I feel like I never get enough sleep.  I worry about her taking all her pills, but I wish that she would take them without being prompted.

I'm thinking of applying for a Librarian job in Shanghai, but I ask myself what do I really want?  Do I want to keep hopping around the world and not being fixed in one place?  I ... could have said YES! without reservation months ago, but now I feel guilty for wanting to leave home.  Mom said that she supports my travel desires, but I'm not sure of anything right now.

I think that I much prefer to stay in the librarian profession.  If I go abroad to work, then I hope it's to work as a librarian and not as an English teacher.  I'll continue to see what my options are before I make a choice.  I could force myself into an English teacher job, but I'm not sure that I will enjoy the experience.

I wish that this were easier, but mom did speak about me going to China in September or October.  That would be nice, but now I'm confused because I've been trying to convince myself to stay in Georgia for work.  Life is certainly not easy.

I just applied for a Library Assistant position at GPC in Decatur.  I just want to earn enough money to pay the mortgage and bills, but soon I will need to earn money to repay my student loans.

Let's see how things go.  I'll try my best to make the right choice.

My mother is a liar and a traitor

I made the mistake of choosing to drive with my mother to Folkston, Georgia for my interview with the Geo Group.  I wish that I had taken Greyhound like I had planned originally.

The interview went well, but of course I didn't sleep well.  Perhaps mom saved our lives... but I don't like how she chose to do it.  She lied about the car key being lost when she had hidden it.  She made up a story and bold-faced lied to me about the key's location.  She kept it on her body hidden from sight and I never knew.  I believed her too much and I hate that!

Her excuse was that I was too drowsy and fully aware since I was going to start the car around 3 AM while she was lying down in her seat without her safety belt.  I believe that I would have noticed that, but her "incensed" personality makes her think differently.  She also said that she's afraid to drive.  I told her that she shouldn't have come with me in the first place.  I wish that I had left her in Marietta yesterday morning.

I hate her.  I hate her mental illness and I think she's full of it.

I feel like she's ruining my life.  I normally try to burry my negative feelings, but I hate myself for emptying my bank account for my mother.  I hate her for being irresponsible financially and I hate myself for being stalwart and staying by her side.  She's a pain in the ass.  I couldn't believe that she hid the key instead of letting me drive... but she truly is mentally perturbed.  I don't know how to progress in the future.  I suppose I could find a big booty woman and a decent job and settle down.  I suppose that I could end my travel endeavors and just be happy with simplicity.

FUCK THAT!  I want more and I've been working towards GREATNESS!  My mother can live in a mental hospital such as the one mentioned by Peachford Hospital.  I don't want to cancel my dreams for her -- I really don't.  She has already disturbed my life enough.  I don't know why I keep on getting bullshit from life.  I hate this.  I suppose that God is punishing me or... preparing me for something?  I don't know.

I pray to Him that I get into the Foreign Service.  I'm not sure about taking the job with the prison in Folkston.  The place is nice and rural and the work should be relatively easy.  The libraries in the prison are small and very manageable.  The staff are very friendly too.  I don't know... I only considered that job because of mom and the household expenses.  What I really want to do is travel, live abroad, see new places, etc.  I wish that I had gone ahead with the Republic of Georgia.  I hate that I gave up my position.  Mom has had a lot of mental health problems... but I don't know when she will resolve them.  I pray that she does so that I can live my life FREELY!

French Teacher... finally?

I have an interview this morning at McEachern High School for a part time French teacher position.  I hope to be hired and I still have mixed feelings.  I'm not sure what my salary shall be, but it will be less than that of a full time teacher.  I hope to earn about $1,500 per month.

I pray that I get this job.  Perhaps I could still get the position with the Greening Youth Foundation.

I just pray for a miracle.  I'm tired of this difficulty.  I want liberation.

Mom really annoyed me.  She's starting to go back down the same path as before she went to Peachford Hospital.  I don't understand what's wrong with her.  It all has to do with her brain and in particular the right side of her brain.  She'll only get worse, I fear, but I don't know what to do for her.

I don't know if the pain is a figment of her imagination.  It seems to be real and her bodily movements are affected because of it.  I must buy her some medications today to replace the other ones.  I should have done that yesterday, but I get over involved with helping her in the house.

I HATE THIS SITUATION THAT I RETURNED TO!  I REALLY DO!

I just hope that I don't go crazy.

Guilt, Sin, Maturity?, Closeness to God, Goals for the Future...

Hey again,

I am feeling guilty about my long-term, sinful habit.  I did it this morning, almost automatically.  I haven't been reading the Bible nor praying as much as I used to.  I pray that I'm not becoming too distant from God.  I wonder about how the future will be for me and my immediate family?  I hope to be employed soon.

I have not attended Agape Church since May...  The people there are OK, but I prefer Turner Chapel.  I learn about the Word of God better from them.  I hope that God finds my decision honorable that I watch the Turner Chapel online broadcast instead of pushing myself to attend Agape.

I saw Sonya Henry, a friend from GSU, yesterday.  She's doing very well.  We saw "Now You See Me", a pretty good movie about magicians.  They are really illusionists.  Sonya loved the movie too.

I feel wary about a certain relative, but never mind, I'll try my best to get back on track with God.  I need to catch up with my Bible reading and remember to love God primarily.  Then everything will follow accordingly.

Please Lord, I pray that I pass the Foreign Service Officer Test and that I'm hired for a well-paying job, focused on librarianship or archives in metro Atlanta.

AMEN!

Should I have accepted to go to the other Georgia?

I'm bummed...  I'm still hoping to get a decent, well-paying job in Georgia.  I wish that I had accepted the position to teach in the Republic of Georgia!  That would have been so amazing!  But, unfortunately, my mother is very mentally ill.  I guess that I would not be able to leave too easily if I had accepted the position.  DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL.

I feel like there is always something going wrong in my life that stops me from being as happy as I would like to be.  I don't know why my mother is going through this mental illness.  It seems that she had a major mental break.  I wonder what happened to her in New York?  I know that she was dealing with difficult colleagues, but my mother kind of created that situation herself.  She could have made plans to return to work in Georgia.  I just thought this week that she could have been a school nurse.  Though, I suppose that she thought such a position beneath her greater abilities.  I hate this... why do I always have to deal with being so bloody responsible?  I barely have fun while living abroad and now my mother apparently has extensive damage to her brain, which is affecting all her brain functions.  She will probably need surgery on her brain, which I shudder to consider.  She was productive, but I think she's lost some abilities.  I wonder if she shall have them ever again?

I feel that I'm ruining her ability to get better, but she refuses to take some or all of her medication.  I think she must be given everything.  She's a bit like a child.  This is the most depressing situation that I have EVER dealt with in my entire life.  I can't believe that this is happening to my mother.  What the hell!  Well, the best thing that can happen to me is that I get a decently well paying job that will allow me to pay the mortgage on the house and still put away some money for the future and pay off student loans.

I posted a letter to apply for Medicaid for the whole family.  We should have applied for that ages ago!  I don't know what my mom and Carl were thinking, because we have no health insurance.  I think that I had some under my mom, but only until I reached the age of 26 or so.  I can't remember.  I guess that mom had me and Andrew secure with health insurance, but she didn't always perfectly explain that to us.  At least now I know how to apply for Medicaid and now food stamps.

Until next time.  I guess that I should not complain about Georgia, since the pay was going to be quite little anyway.

Back Home

Hi,

I am back home in Georgia.  Mom is mentally ill.  She is not herself anymore, which is most unfortunate.  She can be herself from time to time, but she's not the same woman that I last saw in September 2012.

I wish that I had been with her to see her progression towards, what appears to be a psychotic breakdown.  I hope that the doctor can tell more about what she is going through on Monday.

I was not prepared for mom's current condition at all.  I feel so mentally drained and tired from doing all that I can to help her and our household.  The burden is quite heavy.  I just need some time to get back into the rhythm of daily life.  I'm still not fully "returned" from Martinique.

I think I'm a bit selfish at times, but I hate the impression that I'm basically preparing to devote my life to my mother.  She doesn't need such consistent care, but I keep on trying to do all that she needs, such as buying groceries, etc.  I think it will be fine that I go out and do my thing.  In all honesty, my mother is not trying to keep me in the house all the time.  I will wave my flag of freedom, because I will go crazy if I cannot act freely.

As for personal stuff... I've gone out with Valancia to catch up.  We also saw "The Purge" last Tuesday.  The movie was decent.  I didn't know anything about it before seeing it.  I found the premise shocking that in the U.S. in the year 2022, it is lawful to murder whomever one wants to feel better about oneself and to release personal rage.  I found that so wrong.

It's not really my kind of movie, but I enjoyed it.  I identified best with the son who ends up being kind to the right person who is persecuted by a group of crazy people that want to kill him.

I really want to see Star Trek.  Valancia may go with me next Tuesday.  I'll wait to confirm if she wants to go that day.

For the long run, I hope to get back into living in Georgia.  I took the FSOT today and I found it easier this time than the first time.  I was more relaxed, but also sleepy this time.  I didn't describe my work experience as well as the last time and I left some structure notes at the beginning of my essay.  I pray that I pass the test, I really do!  I need that little miracle to keep me motivated.

Andrew and Ian are often not in the house or they stay out very late.  I don't understand their behavior.

I started an application for disability payments for my mom.  I hope that I finish the bloody thing tomorrow.  I'm taking forever to complete the information.  I just get tired of thinking about it and I keep hoping that I'll get a full time job in Georgia.  Thereby my mom won't need to access her disability insurance so soon.  She's only 51 years old.

I had an interview by phone this morning with the AGU, American Geophysical Union.  The interview went well, but I hope for a full time position in Georgia.  I'm crossing my fingers for a good result.  I need to keep applying for jobs and not lose hope.  I should try IKEA.  They're pretty kind towards their employees.

Until next time,

Aaron