It's my 28th birthday. How do I feel? I feel... sleepy. It's 12:53 AM. I stopped feeling happy in May and I started a LONG period of mourning after recognizing how much I needed to change my life due to my mother's difference in mental capacity.
This ordeal concerning my mother has been... VERY stressful and has forced me to GROW up a LOT! I HATE it all absolutely. I wish that mom had never had that car accident. I don't know why she made such a bad choice in choosing to drive with Ma and Ian. That was a recipe for disaster from the beginning.
Well... what's done is done, I suppose. I hate that my thoughts are constantly about mom all the time. I feel like I don't exist completely separately from her at times.
I pray that I sleep soundly tonight.
I wonder if I'm complaining too much about mom? She does cook and clean the dishes, but still has a strong OCD habit of overusing paper towels. She's a bit obsessed with that.
As for traveling... I'm not sure that I will ever live in another country. I guess that is over. I admit that I was getting bored of the live abroad thing. I guess that "conforming" to a permanent life in Georgia is the right thing to do now. At times, I don't like that I am so difficult to please. It's a pain in the butt.
I guess that I'll be happy eventually. I just want to be genuinely happy and not just "forcing" myself into some false concept of happiness.
I will try to pray that I get a "way out" in order to live abroad again. Although I continue to feel that staying in Georgia is my fate for now. Perhaps I'll start to take trips to other countries and places in the U.S. instead of living and working abroad.
I guess I must join the other mortals (LOL) and put aside the live around the world dream, and the aspiration to be an international citizen. Perhaps I'll find a true love to make me believe that there is still a reason for me to live. For months I often feel like dying or that I am dead already, but only keeping myself going at the behest of my mother.
I also keep thinking of buying Gluhwein (Christmas wine) from Aldi to keep my spirits up, lol. I think that I may do so soon. I also want to buy some Skechers sneakers. My New Balance sneakers are more than a year old and are hurting my feet now. It's time for some new ones.
I'm so tired of putting off my own happiness due to needing to help others. It's such a pain at times. But, I admit that being home in Georgia, helps me to socialize and remember who I am. I suppose that this whole year has been a BIG pill that I have been trying to swallow and accept.
Please, Lord, help me with all these thoughts. Amen.
This ordeal concerning my mother has been... VERY stressful and has forced me to GROW up a LOT! I HATE it all absolutely. I wish that mom had never had that car accident. I don't know why she made such a bad choice in choosing to drive with Ma and Ian. That was a recipe for disaster from the beginning.
Well... what's done is done, I suppose. I hate that my thoughts are constantly about mom all the time. I feel like I don't exist completely separately from her at times.
I pray that I sleep soundly tonight.
I wonder if I'm complaining too much about mom? She does cook and clean the dishes, but still has a strong OCD habit of overusing paper towels. She's a bit obsessed with that.
As for traveling... I'm not sure that I will ever live in another country. I guess that is over. I admit that I was getting bored of the live abroad thing. I guess that "conforming" to a permanent life in Georgia is the right thing to do now. At times, I don't like that I am so difficult to please. It's a pain in the butt.
I guess that I'll be happy eventually. I just want to be genuinely happy and not just "forcing" myself into some false concept of happiness.
I will try to pray that I get a "way out" in order to live abroad again. Although I continue to feel that staying in Georgia is my fate for now. Perhaps I'll start to take trips to other countries and places in the U.S. instead of living and working abroad.
I guess I must join the other mortals (LOL) and put aside the live around the world dream, and the aspiration to be an international citizen. Perhaps I'll find a true love to make me believe that there is still a reason for me to live. For months I often feel like dying or that I am dead already, but only keeping myself going at the behest of my mother.
I also keep thinking of buying Gluhwein (Christmas wine) from Aldi to keep my spirits up, lol. I think that I may do so soon. I also want to buy some Skechers sneakers. My New Balance sneakers are more than a year old and are hurting my feet now. It's time for some new ones.
I'm so tired of putting off my own happiness due to needing to help others. It's such a pain at times. But, I admit that being home in Georgia, helps me to socialize and remember who I am. I suppose that this whole year has been a BIG pill that I have been trying to swallow and accept.
Please, Lord, help me with all these thoughts. Amen.
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