I should hold my tongue?

My mom told me that my cousin and her family are having trouble paying their mortgage.  They are late with a payment.  I sent a text message to Tacara telling her to finish her studies and become a nurse anesthetist.  She got bothered by that and she told her mom and then her mom told mine and told me that I shouldn't have said that.  I told my mom not to tell me about other people's business.  I don't want to know or I'll get frustrated.  Last night I thought that I was a little loud on the phone.  I should have walked outside to talk to mom.  I think Nate and Pedro heard my conversation and got perturbed.  Well, whatever.  I barely speak to them.

I just feel like... I need to unload mentally and that I need to speak less often to my mother.  I wouldn't even feel all agitated if she hadn't told me about Tacara and her family.  I can't do anything to help them.  I even feel physically bad.

I ask myself now if I will ever be happy again or if my life is cursed?  What if I have seven years bad luck after breaking that mirror in France?  I don't really believe in superstitions, but maybe I am cursed?  I just feel miserable and inconsolable.  I'm sitting here at work at the National Archives and I'm tired.  I have a task but it is repetitive.

I thought that maybe I should have stayed in Georgia instead of coming to DC.  I just need to work one job and stay with it and be content.  I'll get over this bad mood eventually.  My mind is just inundated with too many negative thoughts right now and regrets over past actions.  I'm still regretful over my ineptitude as a teacher.  I still remember my co-teacher, Won Mi's words in that email about all my flaws.  I'm still healing from my experience in Korea.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Maybe nothing, but I just feel like a failure.  I know that I have done some good things like earn As in my classes last semester, which I think I shall do this semester.  I think I may need to exclude my mother from my life.  I love her, but she does present a burden.

Then where shall I stay in NYC?  With Ma, Debbie, a courchsurfer?  I don't want to exclude my mom, but sometimes I think that I need to for my sanity.

I remember Carl's words about me when I was a boy--he would say that I was being over-dramatic or melodramatic.  Maybe he was right, but I know that I am not alright and that I do have some problems.  I know that I'm not dramatizing that.

I'm going to try to make this internship work.  I hope to be paid this Friday.  By the grace of God I shall be.

I really want to escape to a church today.  Maybe I can go to the Hughes Methodist Church this evening.

Trying to determine my next steps...

So, mom is home for a week.  It's nice to see her, but her return seems a bit strange, only because of this Memorial Day party that she wants to do.  I hate parties... thus I am not enthusiastic about this little event at all.  I want to be positive, but I'm on this honesty streak and honestly, I don't care about all this party stuff.  I'm not sure of what I shall do tomorrow, but I guess I will just toughen up and bare the festivities.

Ian has moved out before my mom's arrival.  I suppose that he is at Iris' home or at a shelter.  My feelings... uh... almost nothing.  Things are fine for the most part.  I just see that our family is dissolving.  I find that sad, but it is what it is.

I'm looking forward to going to DC.  I leave on Friday.  I only have two more days of work on Tuesday and Thursday.  That should be fun.  I will work in the Corporate Records Office of the National Archives for 10 weeks.  That should be fun enough.  I'll just try to embrace the best that I can.  However, Diana Johnston made me feel that she did not enjoy the work as much as she would enjoy traveling.  I very much echo her sentiment.  Diana is one of the employees of the Corporate Records Office.

She and I had a long conversation about career, languages, and other things.  I was surprised that she and the team accepted me for the internship.  I thought that my interview had gone on too long and that I had messed up, but I got the spot.  We'll see how things go.

I think that all that I want right now is freedom.  I feel obligated to this party tomorrow, but I will embrace it and just be merry with the people who show up.  I hope that my mother will be happy too.  Even though she is here, I feel like she is orchestrating too much activity since her arrival on Saturday and thus I can't have a quiet moment with her.  I don't know why she's so adamant about being so active after returning home.  I don't see why she's not content to be at rest at home, but I suppose that I have her nature, considering I'm heading to DC and to Martinique.  I pray to God that I get accepted for a Foreign Service Officer position.  Or that I discover something else that I would like to do to repay my student loans and just to be happy in general.

I'm toying with the idea of inviting Valancia to the party, but I don't completely want to invite her.

I feel so off...  I feel like... I don't... have a real place at home.  I don't know...  I just feel strange.  My soul yearns for another place.  I think that's all.

Hi... (sigh)... House smells of weed... once again... (sigh)... I cannot endure this and I don't want to.  Going to D.C. on June 1st could not come sooner.

I can't be happy living at home with Andrew and Ian if they're smokers.  I just hate it.  I suppose that Ian hasn't many places to go, but I abhor and can never respect that he smokes at our home.  Certainly not with his friend, Rob, and his girlfriend, Iris.

My flight syndrome just kicks in when I smell weed.  All that I can think is that this battle is lost...  I will go away hopefully not to remain very long in the house, or at least not in the company of Ian and Andrew.

This seems to be the parting of the ways and I must learn to have no regret about that.  I will go the Lord's way.  Andrew and Ian can follow Him if they want, but I certainly do not want to be left back because of them.  At this moment I feel no qualm about leaving home.  I will be too happy to leave.  I even thought of going to New York City after the internship, but I'll return home once more to acquire my VISA for Martinique at the French Consulate of Atlanta.

I don't mean to blow this out of proportion, but I don't want to live with weed in my life.  Whether I smoke it or others do.

I GOT INTO THE TAPIF PROGRAM!  I've been selected for Martinique to teach secondary students.  I want to teach high school, but I'll be happy in any respect.  I'm just glad to have something to look forward to.  I wonder if I should buy a flight sooner than later?  I'm always wanting to do things early, but maybe the airline tickets will decrease so that I can buy a cheaper flight.

Well, the countdown is on--I have a bout six months until departure.

I love myself... and I love God too... in the quiet moments... life rocks!

I'm making some progress.  I feel better than I did when I typed my most previous post.  I wonder if I'm worried over nothing?  Maybe I'm just a unique soul who is just trying to find others like me or at least those who can understand me?

I talked with a girl today at GSU.  She wanted to see "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," as did I.  Cinéfest delayed in starting the film.  They had a technical difficulty.  I spoke to the girl about Ryan Gosling.  I reminded her of Flash Forward, in which Ryan Gosling was a character.  She was impressed that I was reminding her of T.V. shows from our childhood.  She commented about him being attractive and I was a bit stumped.  I normally never know how to react when a girl admits her attraction to a guy.  LOL.  I always feel that that is something that I should have learned some years ago, but I am still rough at knowing how to react to that situation.

Well, she and I had a nice chat.  She asked my name and we shook hands.  She held mine more firmly than I held hers.  I thought to myself that she was doing the standard masculine hand-shake.  I never hold people's hands firmly when I shake them.  I really don't care to fulfill this aspect of masculine practice.  I think it's a joke.  I don't feel like squeezing someone's hand to hard to signify my masculinity.  Who made up that rule?

But, whatever.  The girl is cute, but a bit immature for me.  She's probably 20-ish.  Perhaps I will see her around again. In fact I saw Elodie, but I did not speak to her.  I had sent her messages on Facebook, but she did not return them.  I also saw Zachary from our English course from spring 2006.  I didn't speak to him either.  I saw Allison.  I only spoke to her for a few moments, then I left to watch Girl.  It started OK, but I didn't like the sexual parts.  I thought that the girl performing fallacial on a male character, who also played the jail guard in X2: X-men United was gross.  I couldn't tolerate seeing that after watching "Shame" at the same cinema.  Plus, I was super tired because I hadn't slept well the previous night.

Well, I hope that tomorrow I submit my payroll form and my Void check at Central Library.

Mom sent me a sum of money.  I don't know for what it is...  Hm... I will ask her later.

I am listening to mandisa's "God Speaking."  It is a good anthem to represent the book of Psalms.  I'm glad to read the Bible.  It gives me much clarity.  I think that I am becoming bored of Georgia.  I'm ready to go somewhere else in the world now.  I really hope that I am accepted for the TAPIF program.  Next week I should receive an e-mail alerting me to whether I am chosen or not.  I pray that I am chosen.  I'm a bit nervous about going to teach English again, but I will bite the bullet and embrace a new adventure nonetheless!  I will turn my fear into positive energy.

After TAPIF, I will apply to go to anywhere that will pay a decent salary.

God, I pray to thee.  I proclaim that I want to be at peace with thee, Lord.  I want to obey thee.  Please, Lord, ignore my temporal insanity.  I am just trying to survive everyday of my life.  Thank you for helping me to do that.

Most sincerely, one of your children forever,
Aaron

My sexuality & surrendering to God for righteous love

My attraction to women and men and my sexual fantasies are a whirlwind.  I want to marry a woman and to only desire one woman for the rest of my life.  I hold myself back with thoughts of the images of men that I saw in pornography, in muscle magazines and in pictures online.  The decision to look at these things and the trap of sexual immorality have been demons upon my soul for YEARS!  I pray to God for spiritual freedom from these evil thoughts.  I want peace of mind forever.  I have made an excellent progression during this Lenten season. I have not looked at pornography at all since I began!!!!  I praise God for this.  The Lord shall truly deliver us all from our sins.  I feel so good for this accomplishment that I have made with God.

I'm so tired of being "stalked" by my wicked thoughts.  I haven't even had sex, but I make myself guilty for my sexual thoughts.  I know that God doesn't want us to have wicked thoughts towards the opposite sex, so I think at some point I told myself it was OK or better to think about men instead, since that seemed the "lesser sin than to think about women.  BUT, I was really wrong.  I just pray that one day I will heal from this mentality and that I will find a girl who can love me in spite of my overzealous self-doubting.  I like Valancia, but I feel it is now a bit too late to pursue her.  As well she does not want to marry and does not want to attend church or fully embrace God, thus she is ABSOLUTELY wrong for me.  I will see her only as a friend and a Haitian sister.

I still like Melissa Perez.  As crazy as that is.  She and I were supposed to go out years ago on two occasions, but she never appeared.  I forgave her for that, but... I was very disappointed.  I haven't forgotten her failure to appear.  She said that she wasn't sure about me...  I guess I should give her another chance, but she's 2 years and 7 months older than me, so I feel too off kilter with her in terms of age.

I still consider Melissa Grammont.  She lives in Gwinnett County, thus we're far apart.  I don't know if she could be interested in dating me, but we have librarianship in common at least.  We shall see what happens.

I think that God wants me to be content being single.  I was thinking yesterday at the Point of Grace Church that if I never find myself able to commit to a relationship with a woman, that I shall become a monk or remain celibate for life.  I don't want to live a homosexual life.  I cannot tolerate it to that end.  I want to live for God.  God is all for which I live. = Dieu est tout pour ce que je vis.  For me that means marrying a woman and loving her for all my life.  I think that I could never cheat on my wife, because I would never want her to cheat on me.  In the Bible it says that a man must love his wife as Christ loved the Church (the people that believed in him.)  I would vow to do this to my wife.  I pray that I accomplish this with my life.

Life is a gift, and I want to use my gift well.  I want to use my gift of life for God and reap the good rewards that the Lord promises.  I believe Him and what he promises us all.

A new start on socializing

I have always been a very introverted person.  I've learned a lot about myself and I'm learning to appreciate myself.  I always felt too different than Andrew and Ian.  I never got along with their father.  Thus I remained... undeveloped socially within my own family.  As for the rest of my family, I got along well with my two eldest cousins, Tacara and T.J., but... I was always different than they.

Often while I grew up I felt like the "extra wheel", except with my mother, my aunt Debora, and with my great grandmother Jerusha.  With my grandmother Evelyn... I felt that she didn't like me much, but she became warmer towards me after I turned seven years old.  I didn't see my grandmother Rachel often enough to develop a relationship.  I hope that I find her again.

Back in the U.S., I'm learning to socialize and to engage in life.  I've always kept myself so secluded due to fear of being exposed to the wrong people, who I expected to hurt me.  I used to get teased a lot as a kid.  I've always tried to keep a shield around myself because of that expectation of attack.  These days I am learning to be brave and to let down my guard.

Valancia and I have started to be friends again.  It has been great to talk to her.  She helps me to think about why I am the way that I am.  She and I have many similarities.  I think that's due to our Haitian connection.  She's half Haitian on her mom's side and half Black American on her dad's side.

Besides her, I've seen Ayeshah for the first time. She and I were only friends on Facebook and Skype.  We went out last Friday to see The Hunger Games with her two of her friends.  I went with Valancia.  We all had a great time.  The movie was great.  After we bought some ice cream at Kilwin's in Atlantic Station.

::sigh::  I think... I should just treat Andrew and Ian as roommates instead of brothers, lol.  Then I could feel better about living at home.  I must also remember that I'm 26 years old!  I gotta stop thinking about myself as a teenager or a kid!  I have to release myself from excessive duty.  No one really needs me at home.  I can be free and not feel guilty about traveling abroad!  I guess when I think of mom, I feel a sense of responsibility, but now I just feel responsible for myself.  Mom... impoverished me.  Not a little, but A LOT! ::sigh:: I feel that I went from being a prince to being a pauper...  I had no idea how bad things were until I returned home.  I gotta free myself from this obligation or it will kill me before I really start to live for God and me! :-)  I feel that I deserve freedom.  True freedom from worry.

I despise Andrew and Ian for smoking.  I despise them even for some or nearly all of their friends.  I despise Ian for not attending college or having enough where withal to be more responsible to the household.  I despise their father for being a cheating fool.  I despise myself for not taking another job abroad!!!  ABOVE ALL!!  :-)

I feel so much better now.  I gotta be free of my family.  I put the burden upon myself.  I don't want to ignore my family, but it seems that it is exactly my solution.  Or I'll just drag myself down.  I pray to God that I am accepted for the TAPIF program.  I must let go of all my fear, resentment, and doubt.

I just met a girl at Dollar General.  She invited me to Point of Grace Church for an evening service.  I've never been there.  I agreed to go.  I hope to enjoy myself there.  I hope to learn something too.

Well, I will promise to allow myself freedom from worry, guilt, anger, resentment, doubt, obsession, etc.
I promise to myself to be happy!  LOL.  I am laughing now and I'm glad to be smiling.  I saw some pictures of myself and I have lacked a smile most of my life.  Now I have a smile and I love it!

I think this is my year of freedom!  I just need some friends with whom to talk about this.  Ian will listen to me... but... he doesn't always really understand me.  Andy... never really seems to understand the totality of my thoughts either.  I have been wishing that he and I will finally understand each other, but... I think that I will have to be on wait for FAR TOO LONG!  I will just let go of him and be free and let him be free.

I wonder why I'm so controlling?  Is it just my nature?  Is it due to mom's nurture?  I don't know.

Whatever, all I really care about is finishing my degree and traveling.   That's all, lol.  Georgia is nice... but I WANT TO TRAVEL!  I've been bored on certain days.  I'm doing well at the internship and the volunteering, but... yeah... I'd rather get lost and travel my head off!  :-)  Oh, Freedom, freedom, freedom!!!!

Later, journal ::sigh::

Aaron