Momma's Boy

Am I a momma's boy?

Considering my great lengths to care for my mother, I must say... YES!  LOL.

Is it so bad?  Hmm... part of me wishes that It were not true.  But, I feel like I haven't been able to defy this characterization since I'm my mother's eldest son.  She has doted upon me a lot, maybe more than on Andrew.  I suppose this is because I really only had one parent while I grew up, despite the presence of my stepfather.

I regret feeling... TOO close to my mother, but I'm not entirely confident in Andrew and Carlyle's abilities to care for her.  Hm... but when I begin to work, mom will have to take her pills herself.  She does need help with other things, but sometimes I think she's mostly fine as she is.

I have these ideas in my head after seeing an episode of Tyler Perry's "Love Thy Neighbor" on the OWN Network.  The son of one female character interacts with her and they're adorable, but a bit too sweet with each other considering the son is in his early to mid 20s.  That made me think that I'm a bit too close to my mom.  I don't think I fit the "Momma's boy" profile to the last letter, but I have definitely been rearranging my life in order to fulfill my mother's needs and to help my family to keep our house.  All of which I have hated and I have despised my mother for not thinking of the future of the house and not being prepared with a cushion of money to help pay the mortgage if something bad happened.

I am trying not to lose it and just give up, but sometimes I just want to disappear and not worry about my mom.  I do at times feel a bit strange with my mom, ushering her about as though she's 90--her traumatic brain injury--is really doing a toll on her mental and physical capacities.  I find it annoying and sad, but honestly I find it all funny at times even though it is a minor tragedy.  I rue the day of that fateful car accident.  The undo stress that my mom normally put upon herself really did a number on her.  In a way she received her just desserts, but others are also culpable, and I wonder if and when they shall be punished?  Perhaps they have been punished already or shall be soon?  I hope that they are haunted by my mother's current state.  Well, I will leave that alone, for vengeance is the Lord's and He deals out his wrath swiftly.

Well, barring external influences, I will try to stay true to my mom.  Our family has been turn up for years now and we're going through some of the results of the evil that has pervaded amongst us during that time.

I pray for God's deliverance and for patience to tame my soul when I need it.  I also pray for the Librarian job with Express Jet.  I want to be hired for it.

I had an interview with Target today and it went well.  I'll need to wait to see if I'm hired.

I have another interview tomorrow for Birney Elementary School to be a Lunchroom Monitor.  The school is so close to the house that I can just take bus 15 to get there.  That would be very ideal in terms of commute time, but I know that the Librarian position with Express Jet would build up my career better.

I was formally offered the Library Aide job in Folkston, Georgia.  I declined it ultimately.  I felt ... only mildly relieved, but I wish that the job were in metro Atlanta.  That would have been more helpful for me.

I will take a walk to think about things.  I didn't anticipate staying home for long, but I guess staying is better.  I'm too eager to arrive to the future, and I'm learning to appreciate the present at home, in Georgia, lol.  I'm still wondering if I should try to be a Media Specialist in a public school?  The pay and the benefits would be good.  I'm still waiting on the Foreign Service.  I pray that I am seen for an oral assessment.

Well, may God be with me and may I always hold strong to my dreams and never give them up no matter what difficult situation arises to deter me from my destiny.  Amen.

To God be the glory,
Aaron

A Big Mistake or the Right Move for Me?

I was supposed to go for a job interview to be a French Teacher with Campbell Middle School in Smyrna.  I rescheduled the interview for later in the day and ultimately I cancelled it.  I kept thinking over the decision to teach French and ... I know that I could do it, but I don't know if I would have wanted to keep the job for a long time.  Plus, I MUCH prefer to work as a Media Specialist.  I'm not sure that I could conform to the whole school teacher life now, when I still have the highest hopes of traveling around the world.

I'm so torn, because I want to stay in Georgia to care for the house, but my heart is definitely elsewhere.  I feel sick over this difficulty in choosing between staying in Georgia or even daring to dream about going abroad again.  Maybe I'm killing myself for nothing and I should just relax, but my mother's situation is difficult to live with.  I didn't anticipate having to take over her leadership role of our family.

I have a headache now.  I honestly just want to fly away and disappear from this predicament.  I described myself as selfish and spoiled to the counselor when mom and I were visiting her.  Due to my travel ambitions and my difficulty at simply remaining in the U.S.  I feel so destroyed at times because of this juggling of my potential fate.

What to do?  Stay in the U.S., work as a librarian to build up my professional experience?  Run to East Asia, have the fun that I never had, and save up money to pay off students loans and go to Australia and New Zealand for vacation?  Writing it that way, the answer seems CLEAR!  But if I do go back to East Asia, what do I do for money?  Or do I try to go to China in September or October?

Well, in any case, I want to wait for the result from the Foreign Service, which I should have in September.  I also need to wait for Walt Como, the supervisor at ExpressJet to know if he wants to hire me or not.

The D Ray James Correctional Facility posted their Library Aid position eight days ago, thus I may be "off the hook" from that work situation, lol.  I'm glad... I wasn't thrilled about living in Folkston, Georgia, neither about working at a prison.

I need the Lord so much to give me direction right now.

I feel lost...

I still want to travel... Mom is doing better, but still needs help... I feel like an ass for not helping her when I can, but honestly I feel physically TIRED.  I feel like I never get enough sleep.  I worry about her taking all her pills, but I wish that she would take them without being prompted.

I'm thinking of applying for a Librarian job in Shanghai, but I ask myself what do I really want?  Do I want to keep hopping around the world and not being fixed in one place?  I ... could have said YES! without reservation months ago, but now I feel guilty for wanting to leave home.  Mom said that she supports my travel desires, but I'm not sure of anything right now.

I think that I much prefer to stay in the librarian profession.  If I go abroad to work, then I hope it's to work as a librarian and not as an English teacher.  I'll continue to see what my options are before I make a choice.  I could force myself into an English teacher job, but I'm not sure that I will enjoy the experience.

I wish that this were easier, but mom did speak about me going to China in September or October.  That would be nice, but now I'm confused because I've been trying to convince myself to stay in Georgia for work.  Life is certainly not easy.

I just applied for a Library Assistant position at GPC in Decatur.  I just want to earn enough money to pay the mortgage and bills, but soon I will need to earn money to repay my student loans.

Let's see how things go.  I'll try my best to make the right choice.

My mother is a liar and a traitor

I made the mistake of choosing to drive with my mother to Folkston, Georgia for my interview with the Geo Group.  I wish that I had taken Greyhound like I had planned originally.

The interview went well, but of course I didn't sleep well.  Perhaps mom saved our lives... but I don't like how she chose to do it.  She lied about the car key being lost when she had hidden it.  She made up a story and bold-faced lied to me about the key's location.  She kept it on her body hidden from sight and I never knew.  I believed her too much and I hate that!

Her excuse was that I was too drowsy and fully aware since I was going to start the car around 3 AM while she was lying down in her seat without her safety belt.  I believe that I would have noticed that, but her "incensed" personality makes her think differently.  She also said that she's afraid to drive.  I told her that she shouldn't have come with me in the first place.  I wish that I had left her in Marietta yesterday morning.

I hate her.  I hate her mental illness and I think she's full of it.

I feel like she's ruining my life.  I normally try to burry my negative feelings, but I hate myself for emptying my bank account for my mother.  I hate her for being irresponsible financially and I hate myself for being stalwart and staying by her side.  She's a pain in the ass.  I couldn't believe that she hid the key instead of letting me drive... but she truly is mentally perturbed.  I don't know how to progress in the future.  I suppose I could find a big booty woman and a decent job and settle down.  I suppose that I could end my travel endeavors and just be happy with simplicity.

FUCK THAT!  I want more and I've been working towards GREATNESS!  My mother can live in a mental hospital such as the one mentioned by Peachford Hospital.  I don't want to cancel my dreams for her -- I really don't.  She has already disturbed my life enough.  I don't know why I keep on getting bullshit from life.  I hate this.  I suppose that God is punishing me or... preparing me for something?  I don't know.

I pray to Him that I get into the Foreign Service.  I'm not sure about taking the job with the prison in Folkston.  The place is nice and rural and the work should be relatively easy.  The libraries in the prison are small and very manageable.  The staff are very friendly too.  I don't know... I only considered that job because of mom and the household expenses.  What I really want to do is travel, live abroad, see new places, etc.  I wish that I had gone ahead with the Republic of Georgia.  I hate that I gave up my position.  Mom has had a lot of mental health problems... but I don't know when she will resolve them.  I pray that she does so that I can live my life FREELY!

French Teacher... finally?

I have an interview this morning at McEachern High School for a part time French teacher position.  I hope to be hired and I still have mixed feelings.  I'm not sure what my salary shall be, but it will be less than that of a full time teacher.  I hope to earn about $1,500 per month.

I pray that I get this job.  Perhaps I could still get the position with the Greening Youth Foundation.

I just pray for a miracle.  I'm tired of this difficulty.  I want liberation.

Mom really annoyed me.  She's starting to go back down the same path as before she went to Peachford Hospital.  I don't understand what's wrong with her.  It all has to do with her brain and in particular the right side of her brain.  She'll only get worse, I fear, but I don't know what to do for her.

I don't know if the pain is a figment of her imagination.  It seems to be real and her bodily movements are affected because of it.  I must buy her some medications today to replace the other ones.  I should have done that yesterday, but I get over involved with helping her in the house.

I HATE THIS SITUATION THAT I RETURNED TO!  I REALLY DO!

I just hope that I don't go crazy.

Guilt, Sin, Maturity?, Closeness to God, Goals for the Future...

Hey again,

I am feeling guilty about my long-term, sinful habit.  I did it this morning, almost automatically.  I haven't been reading the Bible nor praying as much as I used to.  I pray that I'm not becoming too distant from God.  I wonder about how the future will be for me and my immediate family?  I hope to be employed soon.

I have not attended Agape Church since May...  The people there are OK, but I prefer Turner Chapel.  I learn about the Word of God better from them.  I hope that God finds my decision honorable that I watch the Turner Chapel online broadcast instead of pushing myself to attend Agape.

I saw Sonya Henry, a friend from GSU, yesterday.  She's doing very well.  We saw "Now You See Me", a pretty good movie about magicians.  They are really illusionists.  Sonya loved the movie too.

I feel wary about a certain relative, but never mind, I'll try my best to get back on track with God.  I need to catch up with my Bible reading and remember to love God primarily.  Then everything will follow accordingly.

Please Lord, I pray that I pass the Foreign Service Officer Test and that I'm hired for a well-paying job, focused on librarianship or archives in metro Atlanta.

AMEN!

Should I have accepted to go to the other Georgia?

I'm bummed...  I'm still hoping to get a decent, well-paying job in Georgia.  I wish that I had accepted the position to teach in the Republic of Georgia!  That would have been so amazing!  But, unfortunately, my mother is very mentally ill.  I guess that I would not be able to leave too easily if I had accepted the position.  DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL.

I feel like there is always something going wrong in my life that stops me from being as happy as I would like to be.  I don't know why my mother is going through this mental illness.  It seems that she had a major mental break.  I wonder what happened to her in New York?  I know that she was dealing with difficult colleagues, but my mother kind of created that situation herself.  She could have made plans to return to work in Georgia.  I just thought this week that she could have been a school nurse.  Though, I suppose that she thought such a position beneath her greater abilities.  I hate this... why do I always have to deal with being so bloody responsible?  I barely have fun while living abroad and now my mother apparently has extensive damage to her brain, which is affecting all her brain functions.  She will probably need surgery on her brain, which I shudder to consider.  She was productive, but I think she's lost some abilities.  I wonder if she shall have them ever again?

I feel that I'm ruining her ability to get better, but she refuses to take some or all of her medication.  I think she must be given everything.  She's a bit like a child.  This is the most depressing situation that I have EVER dealt with in my entire life.  I can't believe that this is happening to my mother.  What the hell!  Well, the best thing that can happen to me is that I get a decently well paying job that will allow me to pay the mortgage on the house and still put away some money for the future and pay off student loans.

I posted a letter to apply for Medicaid for the whole family.  We should have applied for that ages ago!  I don't know what my mom and Carl were thinking, because we have no health insurance.  I think that I had some under my mom, but only until I reached the age of 26 or so.  I can't remember.  I guess that mom had me and Andrew secure with health insurance, but she didn't always perfectly explain that to us.  At least now I know how to apply for Medicaid and now food stamps.

Until next time.  I guess that I should not complain about Georgia, since the pay was going to be quite little anyway.