I want to be super human

It's been a while since my last posting.

I applied to teach English with Disney in China.  I got accepted and even accepted a contract.  I just declined the position saying that mom and my family needed me.

I must wait for my recruiter's response.  Part of me hopes that she will say that I must continue with the application anyway.  All that I want to do is to keep on traveling and living abroad.  I have found a new purpose in teaching French, but Upward Bound doesn't always need me.

::Sigh::  I feel like my life is over...

I hate that mom is so mentally vexed.  Talk about a horrible combination of desire, reality and consequence of events.  I may just need to wait and be patient, but it kills me at times.

At least I made a new friend in Holly.  She's from Denver.  She lives off Booth Road.  She's 38, which surprised me.  I thought she would be around my age.  She works at a costume studio for film.  She can also design and make dresses.  I suppose that she's a seamstress or a costume designer.

Her roommate was born in the Bronx.  The roommate drove us from the Blue Moon Pizza restaurant yesterday night back to our neighborhood.  She's pretty nice.

Back to my bigger malaise... I just thought about buying a car!  AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate growing up!  Fuck!  I hate living in a super car-centric place!  I hate it!

Please, God, help my mother to be tremendously better by the summer of 2014!  I really want to go abroad again and live elsewhere!  Please, Lord, don't trap me in Georgia!

I had an interview yesterday to be the Reference Librarian at the Art Institute of Atlanta in Decatur.  I would like the job and I think that I will do well with the challenge of managing their library.  I wonder why the current librarian wants to leave?

Georgia Perimeter College in Decatur also contacted me for a Reference Librarian position, but it's an hourly position.  I'm debating if I should not accept it?  I think that I could benefit from upward mobility.  I don't know if Upward Bound can offer that.  Perhaps, the wicked commute to Decatur will be worth it if I can count on advancing up the library ladder.

Upward Bound is better for me for now because the commute is less taxing upon me and the atmosphere of the job is less demanding.  However, today I had no student that wanted help with French.  Perhaps I should accept the offer from GPC.  I really wish that I could work that job in the morning, but the hours are in conflict.  I'll call the supervisor tomorrow to give her a decision.

As for cars, I like the Nissan Leaf, which is all electric, but I like that the Honda Insight can take gasoline and thus travel farther than the Leaf.  I ask myself many philosophical questions, one of which is... should I buy a car?  My feeling is NO!  I want to be an international traveler!  I don't want a bloody car!  Also I believe too much in living green and having a car is not a part of that scheme.  Perhaps I shall lease a car if I end up having enough money.

OH... GOD!  I pray that I am not making the wrong choice in turning down Disney English!  I have to be confident that this is the right choice.  I've been feeling it in my heart that it is since Monday.  Mom has been approved for receiving Social Security benefits, thank God!  Thus, with this money, we'll be able to pay the mortgage and the bills.  This is our miracle before Christmas!  It also means that I don't really need to go abroad to work.  I do witness how much mom needs me and that I help her, so I'll stay home and be more comfortable, as much as it makes me feel bored at times.

I started working as a French tutor... it was fun!

Hey, it's been a long time!  This time... I'm happy and positive for once.  God be praised!

I started working as a French tutor with the Upward Bound Program at Atlanta Metropolitan State College.

I had a good time.  I had only helped three students, but I hope to help more on Thursday.  I met Keenan, who is half Honduran like me.  I was happy to meet him.  Tutoring may convince me to pursue working as a French teacher or being a Media Specialist.

I may take the two GACE Media Specialist exams in November.  I just need to have enough money saved.

I hope to be seen for an interview with Atlanta Public Library.  Maybe they will call me this week.
I had an interview with Life University to be a Reference Librarian.  That was last Friday.  The interview went well.  The work hours are a bit difficult, but the salary should be good since the work is full time.

Well, I'm going to keep on hoping for a second job.

I hate my family

God... I hate my family.  I want to leave home and go away!  I hate that I've reduced my life for them.  Doing this has been good to help my mother, but I'm ready to leave.  Andrew and Carlyle, Jr. continue to smoke weed.  Carlyle, Jr. broke up with Iris after about two years of being a couple.  He's now with Shawna, a 35 year old mother of two sons.  I met her younger son Saturday evening.  I feel sorry for him, because Carlyle, Jr. is... not very smart and a waste of time for the most part.  He's also not diligent about thinking of other people.  He's an idiot.

Andrew has been living with his girlfriend, Brittany or staying with friends in order to get to work more easily.  He chose this solution since he got his car into an accident about two months ago.  I think that he was slightly drunk or was just being stupid.  His car is geared to go to fast, thus I'm not surprised that he ended up in an accident late at night, when his eye-sight is minimal.

I suppose that they both see themselves as men, but I think that they're both still quite immature.  I hate their father, Carlyle, Sr. who probably has a big problem with a debt collector or some such entity.  He cheated on my mom and chose to live with the other woman.  He pre-mediated a lot.  He bought a new house and thought to have Andrew, Carlyle, Jr. and even me to live with him...  I was absolutely REPULSED at the idea.  I HATE him.  I Hate them all.

As for my mother... I've been doing my best to care for her and try to keep our house, but frankly... I'm losing interest.  I wonder if moving to New York City isn't better and selling the house too?  However, I know that keeping the house is better for preparing my mother for retirement.  She'll want a cozy place to live.  I also like having a place to return to after living abroad or traveling.

I wonder what to do?  Should I bother to confront Carlyle, Jr. about his girlfriend, Shawna?  Or is that a mute point?  They are presumably sleeping downstairs together.  In what manner, I don't know.  Have they had sex?  I don't know.  I find them both pitiable and sad.  I don't understand why Shawna likes him.  I guess women find him funny and cute.  Women are dumb in that case, then.  Or just the ones that like him.  So, I ask myself... should I impede their relationship or allow it to run its course?  CJ said that they're only dating.  I don't know... I think Shawna likes him more than that, but I could be wrong.

Well, I just wanted to write about my thoughts.  I haven't slept well since Shawna is still here.  I thought that she would stay home, but she only dropped off her son.  She and CJ returned to the house.  I'm not pleased.  I will speak to CJ about that.

I guess it's because of all this reckless drama that my mother became unhinged and unbalanced.  I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The house smells of weed... brought to us by Andrew and/or Carlyle, Jr. and Shawna.  Oh, God, this is my life, lol!  I hate these bastards.  I wish them to Hell.  Maybe I should have more hope, but I won't feel good until Shawna leaves.  Perhaps I'll say something to her at her moment of departure, lol.  This is the first time that she has dared to sleep at our house.  How long did that take?  About two weeks, lol.  So, now I ask when shall they have intercourse or has that happened already?

THUS, why I want to get the Hell away from all of them.  I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY--ASSHOLES!  All of them, even my mother!  She helped to create this current reality.  Whatever, FUCK THE WORLD!  THE WHOLE WORLD SUCKS!  Everyone in the world are cock-suckers and I hate them all!

GOOD!  Now I feel better.  Fuck this shit!  I hope the Foreign Service sends me an email this week and that I can do the Oral Assessment, otherwise, I'm getting the fuck out of Georgia!  I still hope to get the job with Express Jet, Upward Bound and/or Bags, Inc. in order to stay for mom, but honestly I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY.  I should forsake them to be a disciple of Christ.  They are not worth my time.  They're cock-suckers and evil shits.  I hate them.  I hate them all.  I raise up and adore Christ instead of them.  FUCK THOSE EVIL ASSHOLES.  They can go to Hell.

Momma's Boy

Am I a momma's boy?

Considering my great lengths to care for my mother, I must say... YES!  LOL.

Is it so bad?  Hmm... part of me wishes that It were not true.  But, I feel like I haven't been able to defy this characterization since I'm my mother's eldest son.  She has doted upon me a lot, maybe more than on Andrew.  I suppose this is because I really only had one parent while I grew up, despite the presence of my stepfather.

I regret feeling... TOO close to my mother, but I'm not entirely confident in Andrew and Carlyle's abilities to care for her.  Hm... but when I begin to work, mom will have to take her pills herself.  She does need help with other things, but sometimes I think she's mostly fine as she is.

I have these ideas in my head after seeing an episode of Tyler Perry's "Love Thy Neighbor" on the OWN Network.  The son of one female character interacts with her and they're adorable, but a bit too sweet with each other considering the son is in his early to mid 20s.  That made me think that I'm a bit too close to my mom.  I don't think I fit the "Momma's boy" profile to the last letter, but I have definitely been rearranging my life in order to fulfill my mother's needs and to help my family to keep our house.  All of which I have hated and I have despised my mother for not thinking of the future of the house and not being prepared with a cushion of money to help pay the mortgage if something bad happened.

I am trying not to lose it and just give up, but sometimes I just want to disappear and not worry about my mom.  I do at times feel a bit strange with my mom, ushering her about as though she's 90--her traumatic brain injury--is really doing a toll on her mental and physical capacities.  I find it annoying and sad, but honestly I find it all funny at times even though it is a minor tragedy.  I rue the day of that fateful car accident.  The undo stress that my mom normally put upon herself really did a number on her.  In a way she received her just desserts, but others are also culpable, and I wonder if and when they shall be punished?  Perhaps they have been punished already or shall be soon?  I hope that they are haunted by my mother's current state.  Well, I will leave that alone, for vengeance is the Lord's and He deals out his wrath swiftly.

Well, barring external influences, I will try to stay true to my mom.  Our family has been turn up for years now and we're going through some of the results of the evil that has pervaded amongst us during that time.

I pray for God's deliverance and for patience to tame my soul when I need it.  I also pray for the Librarian job with Express Jet.  I want to be hired for it.

I had an interview with Target today and it went well.  I'll need to wait to see if I'm hired.

I have another interview tomorrow for Birney Elementary School to be a Lunchroom Monitor.  The school is so close to the house that I can just take bus 15 to get there.  That would be very ideal in terms of commute time, but I know that the Librarian position with Express Jet would build up my career better.

I was formally offered the Library Aide job in Folkston, Georgia.  I declined it ultimately.  I felt ... only mildly relieved, but I wish that the job were in metro Atlanta.  That would have been more helpful for me.

I will take a walk to think about things.  I didn't anticipate staying home for long, but I guess staying is better.  I'm too eager to arrive to the future, and I'm learning to appreciate the present at home, in Georgia, lol.  I'm still wondering if I should try to be a Media Specialist in a public school?  The pay and the benefits would be good.  I'm still waiting on the Foreign Service.  I pray that I am seen for an oral assessment.

Well, may God be with me and may I always hold strong to my dreams and never give them up no matter what difficult situation arises to deter me from my destiny.  Amen.

To God be the glory,
Aaron

A Big Mistake or the Right Move for Me?

I was supposed to go for a job interview to be a French Teacher with Campbell Middle School in Smyrna.  I rescheduled the interview for later in the day and ultimately I cancelled it.  I kept thinking over the decision to teach French and ... I know that I could do it, but I don't know if I would have wanted to keep the job for a long time.  Plus, I MUCH prefer to work as a Media Specialist.  I'm not sure that I could conform to the whole school teacher life now, when I still have the highest hopes of traveling around the world.

I'm so torn, because I want to stay in Georgia to care for the house, but my heart is definitely elsewhere.  I feel sick over this difficulty in choosing between staying in Georgia or even daring to dream about going abroad again.  Maybe I'm killing myself for nothing and I should just relax, but my mother's situation is difficult to live with.  I didn't anticipate having to take over her leadership role of our family.

I have a headache now.  I honestly just want to fly away and disappear from this predicament.  I described myself as selfish and spoiled to the counselor when mom and I were visiting her.  Due to my travel ambitions and my difficulty at simply remaining in the U.S.  I feel so destroyed at times because of this juggling of my potential fate.

What to do?  Stay in the U.S., work as a librarian to build up my professional experience?  Run to East Asia, have the fun that I never had, and save up money to pay off students loans and go to Australia and New Zealand for vacation?  Writing it that way, the answer seems CLEAR!  But if I do go back to East Asia, what do I do for money?  Or do I try to go to China in September or October?

Well, in any case, I want to wait for the result from the Foreign Service, which I should have in September.  I also need to wait for Walt Como, the supervisor at ExpressJet to know if he wants to hire me or not.

The D Ray James Correctional Facility posted their Library Aid position eight days ago, thus I may be "off the hook" from that work situation, lol.  I'm glad... I wasn't thrilled about living in Folkston, Georgia, neither about working at a prison.

I need the Lord so much to give me direction right now.

I feel lost...

I still want to travel... Mom is doing better, but still needs help... I feel like an ass for not helping her when I can, but honestly I feel physically TIRED.  I feel like I never get enough sleep.  I worry about her taking all her pills, but I wish that she would take them without being prompted.

I'm thinking of applying for a Librarian job in Shanghai, but I ask myself what do I really want?  Do I want to keep hopping around the world and not being fixed in one place?  I ... could have said YES! without reservation months ago, but now I feel guilty for wanting to leave home.  Mom said that she supports my travel desires, but I'm not sure of anything right now.

I think that I much prefer to stay in the librarian profession.  If I go abroad to work, then I hope it's to work as a librarian and not as an English teacher.  I'll continue to see what my options are before I make a choice.  I could force myself into an English teacher job, but I'm not sure that I will enjoy the experience.

I wish that this were easier, but mom did speak about me going to China in September or October.  That would be nice, but now I'm confused because I've been trying to convince myself to stay in Georgia for work.  Life is certainly not easy.

I just applied for a Library Assistant position at GPC in Decatur.  I just want to earn enough money to pay the mortgage and bills, but soon I will need to earn money to repay my student loans.

Let's see how things go.  I'll try my best to make the right choice.

My mother is a liar and a traitor

I made the mistake of choosing to drive with my mother to Folkston, Georgia for my interview with the Geo Group.  I wish that I had taken Greyhound like I had planned originally.

The interview went well, but of course I didn't sleep well.  Perhaps mom saved our lives... but I don't like how she chose to do it.  She lied about the car key being lost when she had hidden it.  She made up a story and bold-faced lied to me about the key's location.  She kept it on her body hidden from sight and I never knew.  I believed her too much and I hate that!

Her excuse was that I was too drowsy and fully aware since I was going to start the car around 3 AM while she was lying down in her seat without her safety belt.  I believe that I would have noticed that, but her "incensed" personality makes her think differently.  She also said that she's afraid to drive.  I told her that she shouldn't have come with me in the first place.  I wish that I had left her in Marietta yesterday morning.

I hate her.  I hate her mental illness and I think she's full of it.

I feel like she's ruining my life.  I normally try to burry my negative feelings, but I hate myself for emptying my bank account for my mother.  I hate her for being irresponsible financially and I hate myself for being stalwart and staying by her side.  She's a pain in the ass.  I couldn't believe that she hid the key instead of letting me drive... but she truly is mentally perturbed.  I don't know how to progress in the future.  I suppose I could find a big booty woman and a decent job and settle down.  I suppose that I could end my travel endeavors and just be happy with simplicity.

FUCK THAT!  I want more and I've been working towards GREATNESS!  My mother can live in a mental hospital such as the one mentioned by Peachford Hospital.  I don't want to cancel my dreams for her -- I really don't.  She has already disturbed my life enough.  I don't know why I keep on getting bullshit from life.  I hate this.  I suppose that God is punishing me or... preparing me for something?  I don't know.

I pray to Him that I get into the Foreign Service.  I'm not sure about taking the job with the prison in Folkston.  The place is nice and rural and the work should be relatively easy.  The libraries in the prison are small and very manageable.  The staff are very friendly too.  I don't know... I only considered that job because of mom and the household expenses.  What I really want to do is travel, live abroad, see new places, etc.  I wish that I had gone ahead with the Republic of Georgia.  I hate that I gave up my position.  Mom has had a lot of mental health problems... but I don't know when she will resolve them.  I pray that she does so that I can live my life FREELY!