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Hi,

I am back home in Georgia.  Mom is mentally ill.  She is not herself anymore, which is most unfortunate.  She can be herself from time to time, but she's not the same woman that I last saw in September 2012.

I wish that I had been with her to see her progression towards, what appears to be a psychotic breakdown.  I hope that the doctor can tell more about what she is going through on Monday.

I was not prepared for mom's current condition at all.  I feel so mentally drained and tired from doing all that I can to help her and our household.  The burden is quite heavy.  I just need some time to get back into the rhythm of daily life.  I'm still not fully "returned" from Martinique.

I think I'm a bit selfish at times, but I hate the impression that I'm basically preparing to devote my life to my mother.  She doesn't need such consistent care, but I keep on trying to do all that she needs, such as buying groceries, etc.  I think it will be fine that I go out and do my thing.  In all honesty, my mother is not trying to keep me in the house all the time.  I will wave my flag of freedom, because I will go crazy if I cannot act freely.

As for personal stuff... I've gone out with Valancia to catch up.  We also saw "The Purge" last Tuesday.  The movie was decent.  I didn't know anything about it before seeing it.  I found the premise shocking that in the U.S. in the year 2022, it is lawful to murder whomever one wants to feel better about oneself and to release personal rage.  I found that so wrong.

It's not really my kind of movie, but I enjoyed it.  I identified best with the son who ends up being kind to the right person who is persecuted by a group of crazy people that want to kill him.

I really want to see Star Trek.  Valancia may go with me next Tuesday.  I'll wait to confirm if she wants to go that day.

For the long run, I hope to get back into living in Georgia.  I took the FSOT today and I found it easier this time than the first time.  I was more relaxed, but also sleepy this time.  I didn't describe my work experience as well as the last time and I left some structure notes at the beginning of my essay.  I pray that I pass the test, I really do!  I need that little miracle to keep me motivated.

Andrew and Ian are often not in the house or they stay out very late.  I don't understand their behavior.

I started an application for disability payments for my mom.  I hope that I finish the bloody thing tomorrow.  I'm taking forever to complete the information.  I just get tired of thinking about it and I keep hoping that I'll get a full time job in Georgia.  Thereby my mom won't need to access her disability insurance so soon.  She's only 51 years old.

I had an interview by phone this morning with the AGU, American Geophysical Union.  The interview went well, but I hope for a full time position in Georgia.  I'm crossing my fingers for a good result.  I need to keep applying for jobs and not lose hope.  I should try IKEA.  They're pretty kind towards their employees.

Until next time,

Aaron

Went too far / Feeling glum

I just did it for the first time at NARA...  I feel about bad about that, but I can't take it back now.  I thought another man might have noticed my silence, but I'm not sure.  I just kept going with it, without worrying.  Right when he entered the restroom, I "reached the end."  I guess that this can be a little, private, funny thing that I did at the Archives!

I wonder if people have ever made out at the Archives or had sex in the stacks?  That would be wild to discover.  I wanted to take a nap in the restroom!  Is that wrong?  LOL!  Gosh... well, I won't do it again in the restroom.

At times I wonder about my future and if I am making the right choices.  I think that I do.  I wish that I would stop wondering about my choices!  I'm a bit bored at the Archives, but at least I am not being driven into the ground to do anything.

Beatriz is out sick.  She came to work, but I guess ultimately didn't feel well and she left.  Transferring the records retention schedule is monotonous.  I should ask for something else to do, but I don't.  I must do some homework while at work.  I just need some motivation.  I don't know why I'm so demotivated.  I have to think about the benefits and the goals that I want to accomplish.

I finally talked to that girl--her last name is Neptune.  She's a student at Howard University.  Her parents are Trinidadian.

I wonder if I will ever feel normal.  Survey says NO!  LOL!  I'm going to buy a Hot Pocket and eat it contently outside.  I'm crazy.  My bowels are acting up.  I already went to the restroom this morning, but I just went a second time and I will probably go a third time before I go home today.

I can't wait to go to Martinique!

Oh!  I can't wait to go to Martinique!  I have another two months and 18 days.  Oh... I'm tired of studying.  I feel like I made a mistake taking two courses this summer.  But, I just need to hold strong.  I got tied up last weekend because I didn't organize my time for doing homework.  I left too many assignments until the last minute.  Thus, I did not go out much last weekend, I only stayed in Wheaton.

Well, I will go into DC for the fireworks this Wednesday.  I will not walk outside if it is too hot, but I will visit museums.  They should all be free, I hope.  I really want to see the monuments again and the White House.

I didn't sleep long enough last night and I fantasized about you know what.  Oh, well, it's just a part of who I am.

I saw the same girl again from outside.  She works in the office across the hall from Corporate Records Management.  I'll try to talk to her.  She's similar in size to Valancia, but slimmer.  I thought to myself, I'd stay here to work if she were my girlfriend.  :-)

After work I intend to go to Greenbelt and then walk to IKEA.  I want to treat myself to some frozen yogurt and their other bistro foods.  It will be nice to do something a bit different other than simply going home right after work.

I gotta break this workaholic frame of mind.  I've been this way since I was in middle school.  This just requires baby steps, I think.  I will make things happen little by little.

Aaron

An interesting day at work

I'm getting more engaged in my internship at the National Archives.  I feel the importance of the work and I "own" my responsibilities more than before.  I'm also starting to feel that this life is "normal" and not just something that I'm doing for 10 weeks.

I think that I am starting to like this work.

I should be paid tomorrow.  My payonline account says that I will be paid $1,900 ultimately, but I'm not sure that that is correct.  I expected to be paid twice that amount...  I wonder if I marked the tax information incorrectly?

Aww... man, I can manage with $1,900.  I could even go the other seven weeks with the $180 that I have and save all that I earn here.  I can be SUPER frugal if necessary.  But I was anticipating $700 from each bi-weekly paycheck.  I will verify and see what happens.  I was worried that I wouldn't even be paid this Friday, but the next one because my time card had not been signed by my supervisor.

The office had a meeting for about two hours on doing a webinar next week.  They have to do a lot of work to prepare for it.  I don't understand why they don't just teach in person.  I wonder why they are broadcasting the webinar?  I guess that they have to send it out to all the archives around the country.  That makes sense.  Hmm... from time to time, I really do forget how big the National Archives is.

Well, today was a significant day where I really felt that NARA was important and that the work of the Corporate Records Management office is important.  I will continue to do my best for all my co-workers.  I feel more motivated to do my best now.

I should hold my tongue?

My mom told me that my cousin and her family are having trouble paying their mortgage.  They are late with a payment.  I sent a text message to Tacara telling her to finish her studies and become a nurse anesthetist.  She got bothered by that and she told her mom and then her mom told mine and told me that I shouldn't have said that.  I told my mom not to tell me about other people's business.  I don't want to know or I'll get frustrated.  Last night I thought that I was a little loud on the phone.  I should have walked outside to talk to mom.  I think Nate and Pedro heard my conversation and got perturbed.  Well, whatever.  I barely speak to them.

I just feel like... I need to unload mentally and that I need to speak less often to my mother.  I wouldn't even feel all agitated if she hadn't told me about Tacara and her family.  I can't do anything to help them.  I even feel physically bad.

I ask myself now if I will ever be happy again or if my life is cursed?  What if I have seven years bad luck after breaking that mirror in France?  I don't really believe in superstitions, but maybe I am cursed?  I just feel miserable and inconsolable.  I'm sitting here at work at the National Archives and I'm tired.  I have a task but it is repetitive.

I thought that maybe I should have stayed in Georgia instead of coming to DC.  I just need to work one job and stay with it and be content.  I'll get over this bad mood eventually.  My mind is just inundated with too many negative thoughts right now and regrets over past actions.  I'm still regretful over my ineptitude as a teacher.  I still remember my co-teacher, Won Mi's words in that email about all my flaws.  I'm still healing from my experience in Korea.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Maybe nothing, but I just feel like a failure.  I know that I have done some good things like earn As in my classes last semester, which I think I shall do this semester.  I think I may need to exclude my mother from my life.  I love her, but she does present a burden.

Then where shall I stay in NYC?  With Ma, Debbie, a courchsurfer?  I don't want to exclude my mom, but sometimes I think that I need to for my sanity.

I remember Carl's words about me when I was a boy--he would say that I was being over-dramatic or melodramatic.  Maybe he was right, but I know that I am not alright and that I do have some problems.  I know that I'm not dramatizing that.

I'm going to try to make this internship work.  I hope to be paid this Friday.  By the grace of God I shall be.

I really want to escape to a church today.  Maybe I can go to the Hughes Methodist Church this evening.

Trying to determine my next steps...

So, mom is home for a week.  It's nice to see her, but her return seems a bit strange, only because of this Memorial Day party that she wants to do.  I hate parties... thus I am not enthusiastic about this little event at all.  I want to be positive, but I'm on this honesty streak and honestly, I don't care about all this party stuff.  I'm not sure of what I shall do tomorrow, but I guess I will just toughen up and bare the festivities.

Ian has moved out before my mom's arrival.  I suppose that he is at Iris' home or at a shelter.  My feelings... uh... almost nothing.  Things are fine for the most part.  I just see that our family is dissolving.  I find that sad, but it is what it is.

I'm looking forward to going to DC.  I leave on Friday.  I only have two more days of work on Tuesday and Thursday.  That should be fun.  I will work in the Corporate Records Office of the National Archives for 10 weeks.  That should be fun enough.  I'll just try to embrace the best that I can.  However, Diana Johnston made me feel that she did not enjoy the work as much as she would enjoy traveling.  I very much echo her sentiment.  Diana is one of the employees of the Corporate Records Office.

She and I had a long conversation about career, languages, and other things.  I was surprised that she and the team accepted me for the internship.  I thought that my interview had gone on too long and that I had messed up, but I got the spot.  We'll see how things go.

I think that all that I want right now is freedom.  I feel obligated to this party tomorrow, but I will embrace it and just be merry with the people who show up.  I hope that my mother will be happy too.  Even though she is here, I feel like she is orchestrating too much activity since her arrival on Saturday and thus I can't have a quiet moment with her.  I don't know why she's so adamant about being so active after returning home.  I don't see why she's not content to be at rest at home, but I suppose that I have her nature, considering I'm heading to DC and to Martinique.  I pray to God that I get accepted for a Foreign Service Officer position.  Or that I discover something else that I would like to do to repay my student loans and just to be happy in general.

I'm toying with the idea of inviting Valancia to the party, but I don't completely want to invite her.

I feel so off...  I feel like... I don't... have a real place at home.  I don't know...  I just feel strange.  My soul yearns for another place.  I think that's all.

Hi... (sigh)... House smells of weed... once again... (sigh)... I cannot endure this and I don't want to.  Going to D.C. on June 1st could not come sooner.

I can't be happy living at home with Andrew and Ian if they're smokers.  I just hate it.  I suppose that Ian hasn't many places to go, but I abhor and can never respect that he smokes at our home.  Certainly not with his friend, Rob, and his girlfriend, Iris.

My flight syndrome just kicks in when I smell weed.  All that I can think is that this battle is lost...  I will go away hopefully not to remain very long in the house, or at least not in the company of Ian and Andrew.

This seems to be the parting of the ways and I must learn to have no regret about that.  I will go the Lord's way.  Andrew and Ian can follow Him if they want, but I certainly do not want to be left back because of them.  At this moment I feel no qualm about leaving home.  I will be too happy to leave.  I even thought of going to New York City after the internship, but I'll return home once more to acquire my VISA for Martinique at the French Consulate of Atlanta.

I don't mean to blow this out of proportion, but I don't want to live with weed in my life.  Whether I smoke it or others do.