Guilt, Sin, Maturity?, Closeness to God, Goals for the Future...

Hey again,

I am feeling guilty about my long-term, sinful habit.  I did it this morning, almost automatically.  I haven't been reading the Bible nor praying as much as I used to.  I pray that I'm not becoming too distant from God.  I wonder about how the future will be for me and my immediate family?  I hope to be employed soon.

I have not attended Agape Church since May...  The people there are OK, but I prefer Turner Chapel.  I learn about the Word of God better from them.  I hope that God finds my decision honorable that I watch the Turner Chapel online broadcast instead of pushing myself to attend Agape.

I saw Sonya Henry, a friend from GSU, yesterday.  She's doing very well.  We saw "Now You See Me", a pretty good movie about magicians.  They are really illusionists.  Sonya loved the movie too.

I feel wary about a certain relative, but never mind, I'll try my best to get back on track with God.  I need to catch up with my Bible reading and remember to love God primarily.  Then everything will follow accordingly.

Please Lord, I pray that I pass the Foreign Service Officer Test and that I'm hired for a well-paying job, focused on librarianship or archives in metro Atlanta.

AMEN!

Should I have accepted to go to the other Georgia?

I'm bummed...  I'm still hoping to get a decent, well-paying job in Georgia.  I wish that I had accepted the position to teach in the Republic of Georgia!  That would have been so amazing!  But, unfortunately, my mother is very mentally ill.  I guess that I would not be able to leave too easily if I had accepted the position.  DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL.

I feel like there is always something going wrong in my life that stops me from being as happy as I would like to be.  I don't know why my mother is going through this mental illness.  It seems that she had a major mental break.  I wonder what happened to her in New York?  I know that she was dealing with difficult colleagues, but my mother kind of created that situation herself.  She could have made plans to return to work in Georgia.  I just thought this week that she could have been a school nurse.  Though, I suppose that she thought such a position beneath her greater abilities.  I hate this... why do I always have to deal with being so bloody responsible?  I barely have fun while living abroad and now my mother apparently has extensive damage to her brain, which is affecting all her brain functions.  She will probably need surgery on her brain, which I shudder to consider.  She was productive, but I think she's lost some abilities.  I wonder if she shall have them ever again?

I feel that I'm ruining her ability to get better, but she refuses to take some or all of her medication.  I think she must be given everything.  She's a bit like a child.  This is the most depressing situation that I have EVER dealt with in my entire life.  I can't believe that this is happening to my mother.  What the hell!  Well, the best thing that can happen to me is that I get a decently well paying job that will allow me to pay the mortgage on the house and still put away some money for the future and pay off student loans.

I posted a letter to apply for Medicaid for the whole family.  We should have applied for that ages ago!  I don't know what my mom and Carl were thinking, because we have no health insurance.  I think that I had some under my mom, but only until I reached the age of 26 or so.  I can't remember.  I guess that mom had me and Andrew secure with health insurance, but she didn't always perfectly explain that to us.  At least now I know how to apply for Medicaid and now food stamps.

Until next time.  I guess that I should not complain about Georgia, since the pay was going to be quite little anyway.

Back Home

Hi,

I am back home in Georgia.  Mom is mentally ill.  She is not herself anymore, which is most unfortunate.  She can be herself from time to time, but she's not the same woman that I last saw in September 2012.

I wish that I had been with her to see her progression towards, what appears to be a psychotic breakdown.  I hope that the doctor can tell more about what she is going through on Monday.

I was not prepared for mom's current condition at all.  I feel so mentally drained and tired from doing all that I can to help her and our household.  The burden is quite heavy.  I just need some time to get back into the rhythm of daily life.  I'm still not fully "returned" from Martinique.

I think I'm a bit selfish at times, but I hate the impression that I'm basically preparing to devote my life to my mother.  She doesn't need such consistent care, but I keep on trying to do all that she needs, such as buying groceries, etc.  I think it will be fine that I go out and do my thing.  In all honesty, my mother is not trying to keep me in the house all the time.  I will wave my flag of freedom, because I will go crazy if I cannot act freely.

As for personal stuff... I've gone out with Valancia to catch up.  We also saw "The Purge" last Tuesday.  The movie was decent.  I didn't know anything about it before seeing it.  I found the premise shocking that in the U.S. in the year 2022, it is lawful to murder whomever one wants to feel better about oneself and to release personal rage.  I found that so wrong.

It's not really my kind of movie, but I enjoyed it.  I identified best with the son who ends up being kind to the right person who is persecuted by a group of crazy people that want to kill him.

I really want to see Star Trek.  Valancia may go with me next Tuesday.  I'll wait to confirm if she wants to go that day.

For the long run, I hope to get back into living in Georgia.  I took the FSOT today and I found it easier this time than the first time.  I was more relaxed, but also sleepy this time.  I didn't describe my work experience as well as the last time and I left some structure notes at the beginning of my essay.  I pray that I pass the test, I really do!  I need that little miracle to keep me motivated.

Andrew and Ian are often not in the house or they stay out very late.  I don't understand their behavior.

I started an application for disability payments for my mom.  I hope that I finish the bloody thing tomorrow.  I'm taking forever to complete the information.  I just get tired of thinking about it and I keep hoping that I'll get a full time job in Georgia.  Thereby my mom won't need to access her disability insurance so soon.  She's only 51 years old.

I had an interview by phone this morning with the AGU, American Geophysical Union.  The interview went well, but I hope for a full time position in Georgia.  I'm crossing my fingers for a good result.  I need to keep applying for jobs and not lose hope.  I should try IKEA.  They're pretty kind towards their employees.

Until next time,

Aaron

Went too far / Feeling glum

I just did it for the first time at NARA...  I feel about bad about that, but I can't take it back now.  I thought another man might have noticed my silence, but I'm not sure.  I just kept going with it, without worrying.  Right when he entered the restroom, I "reached the end."  I guess that this can be a little, private, funny thing that I did at the Archives!

I wonder if people have ever made out at the Archives or had sex in the stacks?  That would be wild to discover.  I wanted to take a nap in the restroom!  Is that wrong?  LOL!  Gosh... well, I won't do it again in the restroom.

At times I wonder about my future and if I am making the right choices.  I think that I do.  I wish that I would stop wondering about my choices!  I'm a bit bored at the Archives, but at least I am not being driven into the ground to do anything.

Beatriz is out sick.  She came to work, but I guess ultimately didn't feel well and she left.  Transferring the records retention schedule is monotonous.  I should ask for something else to do, but I don't.  I must do some homework while at work.  I just need some motivation.  I don't know why I'm so demotivated.  I have to think about the benefits and the goals that I want to accomplish.

I finally talked to that girl--her last name is Neptune.  She's a student at Howard University.  Her parents are Trinidadian.

I wonder if I will ever feel normal.  Survey says NO!  LOL!  I'm going to buy a Hot Pocket and eat it contently outside.  I'm crazy.  My bowels are acting up.  I already went to the restroom this morning, but I just went a second time and I will probably go a third time before I go home today.

I can't wait to go to Martinique!

Oh!  I can't wait to go to Martinique!  I have another two months and 18 days.  Oh... I'm tired of studying.  I feel like I made a mistake taking two courses this summer.  But, I just need to hold strong.  I got tied up last weekend because I didn't organize my time for doing homework.  I left too many assignments until the last minute.  Thus, I did not go out much last weekend, I only stayed in Wheaton.

Well, I will go into DC for the fireworks this Wednesday.  I will not walk outside if it is too hot, but I will visit museums.  They should all be free, I hope.  I really want to see the monuments again and the White House.

I didn't sleep long enough last night and I fantasized about you know what.  Oh, well, it's just a part of who I am.

I saw the same girl again from outside.  She works in the office across the hall from Corporate Records Management.  I'll try to talk to her.  She's similar in size to Valancia, but slimmer.  I thought to myself, I'd stay here to work if she were my girlfriend.  :-)

After work I intend to go to Greenbelt and then walk to IKEA.  I want to treat myself to some frozen yogurt and their other bistro foods.  It will be nice to do something a bit different other than simply going home right after work.

I gotta break this workaholic frame of mind.  I've been this way since I was in middle school.  This just requires baby steps, I think.  I will make things happen little by little.

Aaron

An interesting day at work

I'm getting more engaged in my internship at the National Archives.  I feel the importance of the work and I "own" my responsibilities more than before.  I'm also starting to feel that this life is "normal" and not just something that I'm doing for 10 weeks.

I think that I am starting to like this work.

I should be paid tomorrow.  My payonline account says that I will be paid $1,900 ultimately, but I'm not sure that that is correct.  I expected to be paid twice that amount...  I wonder if I marked the tax information incorrectly?

Aww... man, I can manage with $1,900.  I could even go the other seven weeks with the $180 that I have and save all that I earn here.  I can be SUPER frugal if necessary.  But I was anticipating $700 from each bi-weekly paycheck.  I will verify and see what happens.  I was worried that I wouldn't even be paid this Friday, but the next one because my time card had not been signed by my supervisor.

The office had a meeting for about two hours on doing a webinar next week.  They have to do a lot of work to prepare for it.  I don't understand why they don't just teach in person.  I wonder why they are broadcasting the webinar?  I guess that they have to send it out to all the archives around the country.  That makes sense.  Hmm... from time to time, I really do forget how big the National Archives is.

Well, today was a significant day where I really felt that NARA was important and that the work of the Corporate Records Management office is important.  I will continue to do my best for all my co-workers.  I feel more motivated to do my best now.

I should hold my tongue?

My mom told me that my cousin and her family are having trouble paying their mortgage.  They are late with a payment.  I sent a text message to Tacara telling her to finish her studies and become a nurse anesthetist.  She got bothered by that and she told her mom and then her mom told mine and told me that I shouldn't have said that.  I told my mom not to tell me about other people's business.  I don't want to know or I'll get frustrated.  Last night I thought that I was a little loud on the phone.  I should have walked outside to talk to mom.  I think Nate and Pedro heard my conversation and got perturbed.  Well, whatever.  I barely speak to them.

I just feel like... I need to unload mentally and that I need to speak less often to my mother.  I wouldn't even feel all agitated if she hadn't told me about Tacara and her family.  I can't do anything to help them.  I even feel physically bad.

I ask myself now if I will ever be happy again or if my life is cursed?  What if I have seven years bad luck after breaking that mirror in France?  I don't really believe in superstitions, but maybe I am cursed?  I just feel miserable and inconsolable.  I'm sitting here at work at the National Archives and I'm tired.  I have a task but it is repetitive.

I thought that maybe I should have stayed in Georgia instead of coming to DC.  I just need to work one job and stay with it and be content.  I'll get over this bad mood eventually.  My mind is just inundated with too many negative thoughts right now and regrets over past actions.  I'm still regretful over my ineptitude as a teacher.  I still remember my co-teacher, Won Mi's words in that email about all my flaws.  I'm still healing from my experience in Korea.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Maybe nothing, but I just feel like a failure.  I know that I have done some good things like earn As in my classes last semester, which I think I shall do this semester.  I think I may need to exclude my mother from my life.  I love her, but she does present a burden.

Then where shall I stay in NYC?  With Ma, Debbie, a courchsurfer?  I don't want to exclude my mom, but sometimes I think that I need to for my sanity.

I remember Carl's words about me when I was a boy--he would say that I was being over-dramatic or melodramatic.  Maybe he was right, but I know that I am not alright and that I do have some problems.  I know that I'm not dramatizing that.

I'm going to try to make this internship work.  I hope to be paid this Friday.  By the grace of God I shall be.

I really want to escape to a church today.  Maybe I can go to the Hughes Methodist Church this evening.