It's my birthday

It's my 28th birthday.  How do I feel?  I feel... sleepy.  It's 12:53 AM.  I stopped feeling happy in May and I started a LONG period of mourning after recognizing how much I needed to change my life due to my mother's difference in mental capacity.

This ordeal concerning my mother has been... VERY stressful and has forced me to GROW up a LOT!  I HATE it all absolutely.  I wish that mom had never had that car accident.  I don't know why she made such a bad choice in choosing to drive with Ma and Ian.  That was a recipe for disaster from the beginning.

Well... what's done is done, I suppose.  I hate that my thoughts are constantly about mom all the time.  I feel like I don't exist completely separately from her at times.

I pray that I sleep soundly tonight.

I wonder if I'm complaining too much about mom?  She does cook and clean the dishes, but still has a strong OCD habit of overusing paper towels.  She's a bit obsessed with that.

As for traveling... I'm not sure that I will ever live in another country.  I guess that is over.  I admit that I was getting bored of the live abroad thing.  I guess that "conforming" to a permanent life in Georgia is the right thing to do now.  At times, I don't like that I am so difficult to please.  It's a pain in the butt.

I guess that I'll be happy eventually.  I just want to be genuinely happy and not just "forcing" myself into some false concept of happiness.

I will try to pray that I get a "way out" in order to live abroad again.  Although I continue to feel that staying in Georgia is my fate for now.  Perhaps I'll start to take trips to other countries and places in the U.S. instead of living and working abroad.

I guess I must join the other mortals (LOL) and put aside the live around the world dream, and the aspiration to be an international citizen.  Perhaps I'll find a true love to make me believe that there is still a reason for me to live.  For months I often feel like dying or that I am dead already, but only keeping myself going at the behest of my mother.

I also keep thinking of buying Gluhwein (Christmas wine) from Aldi to keep my spirits up, lol.  I think that I may do so soon.  I also want to buy some Skechers sneakers.  My New Balance sneakers are more than a year old and are hurting my feet now.  It's time for some new ones.

I'm so tired of putting off my own happiness due to needing to help others.  It's such a pain at times.  But, I admit that being home in Georgia, helps me to socialize and remember who I am.  I suppose that this whole year has been a BIG pill that I have been trying to swallow and accept.

Please, Lord, help me with all these thoughts.  Amen.

Am I using mom as an excuse to not live my own life?

Hey,

a friend of mine, Ayeshah Dean, said that I was using my mother to excuse myself from living my own life.  I think that she's right, but I have a VERY just cause.  My mother really does need my help.  I also don't want to hand off her needs unto other family members.  I do feel at times that I'm shielding Andrew from the responsibility of caring for mom, but he does go out often.  I suppose I must talk to him more about being by mom's side.

I'm sort of writing off Ian, but I will keep peace with him since he did pay some money for rent and Shaunah's car was very useful.  I really need to take a walk.  I feel like getting drunk or seeing a late movie all by myself.  Maybe I'll dash out to see Catching Fire, lol.

Oh, Lord, help me!  I just want be happy again and to not grieve over anything.  I know that that's practically impossible, but please, help me God to see light at the end of the tunnel of despair.  Amen.

I want to be super human

It's been a while since my last posting.

I applied to teach English with Disney in China.  I got accepted and even accepted a contract.  I just declined the position saying that mom and my family needed me.

I must wait for my recruiter's response.  Part of me hopes that she will say that I must continue with the application anyway.  All that I want to do is to keep on traveling and living abroad.  I have found a new purpose in teaching French, but Upward Bound doesn't always need me.

::Sigh::  I feel like my life is over...

I hate that mom is so mentally vexed.  Talk about a horrible combination of desire, reality and consequence of events.  I may just need to wait and be patient, but it kills me at times.

At least I made a new friend in Holly.  She's from Denver.  She lives off Booth Road.  She's 38, which surprised me.  I thought she would be around my age.  She works at a costume studio for film.  She can also design and make dresses.  I suppose that she's a seamstress or a costume designer.

Her roommate was born in the Bronx.  The roommate drove us from the Blue Moon Pizza restaurant yesterday night back to our neighborhood.  She's pretty nice.

Back to my bigger malaise... I just thought about buying a car!  AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate growing up!  Fuck!  I hate living in a super car-centric place!  I hate it!

Please, God, help my mother to be tremendously better by the summer of 2014!  I really want to go abroad again and live elsewhere!  Please, Lord, don't trap me in Georgia!

I had an interview yesterday to be the Reference Librarian at the Art Institute of Atlanta in Decatur.  I would like the job and I think that I will do well with the challenge of managing their library.  I wonder why the current librarian wants to leave?

Georgia Perimeter College in Decatur also contacted me for a Reference Librarian position, but it's an hourly position.  I'm debating if I should not accept it?  I think that I could benefit from upward mobility.  I don't know if Upward Bound can offer that.  Perhaps, the wicked commute to Decatur will be worth it if I can count on advancing up the library ladder.

Upward Bound is better for me for now because the commute is less taxing upon me and the atmosphere of the job is less demanding.  However, today I had no student that wanted help with French.  Perhaps I should accept the offer from GPC.  I really wish that I could work that job in the morning, but the hours are in conflict.  I'll call the supervisor tomorrow to give her a decision.

As for cars, I like the Nissan Leaf, which is all electric, but I like that the Honda Insight can take gasoline and thus travel farther than the Leaf.  I ask myself many philosophical questions, one of which is... should I buy a car?  My feeling is NO!  I want to be an international traveler!  I don't want a bloody car!  Also I believe too much in living green and having a car is not a part of that scheme.  Perhaps I shall lease a car if I end up having enough money.

OH... GOD!  I pray that I am not making the wrong choice in turning down Disney English!  I have to be confident that this is the right choice.  I've been feeling it in my heart that it is since Monday.  Mom has been approved for receiving Social Security benefits, thank God!  Thus, with this money, we'll be able to pay the mortgage and the bills.  This is our miracle before Christmas!  It also means that I don't really need to go abroad to work.  I do witness how much mom needs me and that I help her, so I'll stay home and be more comfortable, as much as it makes me feel bored at times.

I started working as a French tutor... it was fun!

Hey, it's been a long time!  This time... I'm happy and positive for once.  God be praised!

I started working as a French tutor with the Upward Bound Program at Atlanta Metropolitan State College.

I had a good time.  I had only helped three students, but I hope to help more on Thursday.  I met Keenan, who is half Honduran like me.  I was happy to meet him.  Tutoring may convince me to pursue working as a French teacher or being a Media Specialist.

I may take the two GACE Media Specialist exams in November.  I just need to have enough money saved.

I hope to be seen for an interview with Atlanta Public Library.  Maybe they will call me this week.
I had an interview with Life University to be a Reference Librarian.  That was last Friday.  The interview went well.  The work hours are a bit difficult, but the salary should be good since the work is full time.

Well, I'm going to keep on hoping for a second job.

I hate my family

God... I hate my family.  I want to leave home and go away!  I hate that I've reduced my life for them.  Doing this has been good to help my mother, but I'm ready to leave.  Andrew and Carlyle, Jr. continue to smoke weed.  Carlyle, Jr. broke up with Iris after about two years of being a couple.  He's now with Shawna, a 35 year old mother of two sons.  I met her younger son Saturday evening.  I feel sorry for him, because Carlyle, Jr. is... not very smart and a waste of time for the most part.  He's also not diligent about thinking of other people.  He's an idiot.

Andrew has been living with his girlfriend, Brittany or staying with friends in order to get to work more easily.  He chose this solution since he got his car into an accident about two months ago.  I think that he was slightly drunk or was just being stupid.  His car is geared to go to fast, thus I'm not surprised that he ended up in an accident late at night, when his eye-sight is minimal.

I suppose that they both see themselves as men, but I think that they're both still quite immature.  I hate their father, Carlyle, Sr. who probably has a big problem with a debt collector or some such entity.  He cheated on my mom and chose to live with the other woman.  He pre-mediated a lot.  He bought a new house and thought to have Andrew, Carlyle, Jr. and even me to live with him...  I was absolutely REPULSED at the idea.  I HATE him.  I Hate them all.

As for my mother... I've been doing my best to care for her and try to keep our house, but frankly... I'm losing interest.  I wonder if moving to New York City isn't better and selling the house too?  However, I know that keeping the house is better for preparing my mother for retirement.  She'll want a cozy place to live.  I also like having a place to return to after living abroad or traveling.

I wonder what to do?  Should I bother to confront Carlyle, Jr. about his girlfriend, Shawna?  Or is that a mute point?  They are presumably sleeping downstairs together.  In what manner, I don't know.  Have they had sex?  I don't know.  I find them both pitiable and sad.  I don't understand why Shawna likes him.  I guess women find him funny and cute.  Women are dumb in that case, then.  Or just the ones that like him.  So, I ask myself... should I impede their relationship or allow it to run its course?  CJ said that they're only dating.  I don't know... I think Shawna likes him more than that, but I could be wrong.

Well, I just wanted to write about my thoughts.  I haven't slept well since Shawna is still here.  I thought that she would stay home, but she only dropped off her son.  She and CJ returned to the house.  I'm not pleased.  I will speak to CJ about that.

I guess it's because of all this reckless drama that my mother became unhinged and unbalanced.  I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The house smells of weed... brought to us by Andrew and/or Carlyle, Jr. and Shawna.  Oh, God, this is my life, lol!  I hate these bastards.  I wish them to Hell.  Maybe I should have more hope, but I won't feel good until Shawna leaves.  Perhaps I'll say something to her at her moment of departure, lol.  This is the first time that she has dared to sleep at our house.  How long did that take?  About two weeks, lol.  So, now I ask when shall they have intercourse or has that happened already?

THUS, why I want to get the Hell away from all of them.  I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY--ASSHOLES!  All of them, even my mother!  She helped to create this current reality.  Whatever, FUCK THE WORLD!  THE WHOLE WORLD SUCKS!  Everyone in the world are cock-suckers and I hate them all!

GOOD!  Now I feel better.  Fuck this shit!  I hope the Foreign Service sends me an email this week and that I can do the Oral Assessment, otherwise, I'm getting the fuck out of Georgia!  I still hope to get the job with Express Jet, Upward Bound and/or Bags, Inc. in order to stay for mom, but honestly I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY.  I should forsake them to be a disciple of Christ.  They are not worth my time.  They're cock-suckers and evil shits.  I hate them.  I hate them all.  I raise up and adore Christ instead of them.  FUCK THOSE EVIL ASSHOLES.  They can go to Hell.

Momma's Boy

Am I a momma's boy?

Considering my great lengths to care for my mother, I must say... YES!  LOL.

Is it so bad?  Hmm... part of me wishes that It were not true.  But, I feel like I haven't been able to defy this characterization since I'm my mother's eldest son.  She has doted upon me a lot, maybe more than on Andrew.  I suppose this is because I really only had one parent while I grew up, despite the presence of my stepfather.

I regret feeling... TOO close to my mother, but I'm not entirely confident in Andrew and Carlyle's abilities to care for her.  Hm... but when I begin to work, mom will have to take her pills herself.  She does need help with other things, but sometimes I think she's mostly fine as she is.

I have these ideas in my head after seeing an episode of Tyler Perry's "Love Thy Neighbor" on the OWN Network.  The son of one female character interacts with her and they're adorable, but a bit too sweet with each other considering the son is in his early to mid 20s.  That made me think that I'm a bit too close to my mom.  I don't think I fit the "Momma's boy" profile to the last letter, but I have definitely been rearranging my life in order to fulfill my mother's needs and to help my family to keep our house.  All of which I have hated and I have despised my mother for not thinking of the future of the house and not being prepared with a cushion of money to help pay the mortgage if something bad happened.

I am trying not to lose it and just give up, but sometimes I just want to disappear and not worry about my mom.  I do at times feel a bit strange with my mom, ushering her about as though she's 90--her traumatic brain injury--is really doing a toll on her mental and physical capacities.  I find it annoying and sad, but honestly I find it all funny at times even though it is a minor tragedy.  I rue the day of that fateful car accident.  The undo stress that my mom normally put upon herself really did a number on her.  In a way she received her just desserts, but others are also culpable, and I wonder if and when they shall be punished?  Perhaps they have been punished already or shall be soon?  I hope that they are haunted by my mother's current state.  Well, I will leave that alone, for vengeance is the Lord's and He deals out his wrath swiftly.

Well, barring external influences, I will try to stay true to my mom.  Our family has been turn up for years now and we're going through some of the results of the evil that has pervaded amongst us during that time.

I pray for God's deliverance and for patience to tame my soul when I need it.  I also pray for the Librarian job with Express Jet.  I want to be hired for it.

I had an interview with Target today and it went well.  I'll need to wait to see if I'm hired.

I have another interview tomorrow for Birney Elementary School to be a Lunchroom Monitor.  The school is so close to the house that I can just take bus 15 to get there.  That would be very ideal in terms of commute time, but I know that the Librarian position with Express Jet would build up my career better.

I was formally offered the Library Aide job in Folkston, Georgia.  I declined it ultimately.  I felt ... only mildly relieved, but I wish that the job were in metro Atlanta.  That would have been more helpful for me.

I will take a walk to think about things.  I didn't anticipate staying home for long, but I guess staying is better.  I'm too eager to arrive to the future, and I'm learning to appreciate the present at home, in Georgia, lol.  I'm still wondering if I should try to be a Media Specialist in a public school?  The pay and the benefits would be good.  I'm still waiting on the Foreign Service.  I pray that I am seen for an oral assessment.

Well, may God be with me and may I always hold strong to my dreams and never give them up no matter what difficult situation arises to deter me from my destiny.  Amen.

To God be the glory,
Aaron

A Big Mistake or the Right Move for Me?

I was supposed to go for a job interview to be a French Teacher with Campbell Middle School in Smyrna.  I rescheduled the interview for later in the day and ultimately I cancelled it.  I kept thinking over the decision to teach French and ... I know that I could do it, but I don't know if I would have wanted to keep the job for a long time.  Plus, I MUCH prefer to work as a Media Specialist.  I'm not sure that I could conform to the whole school teacher life now, when I still have the highest hopes of traveling around the world.

I'm so torn, because I want to stay in Georgia to care for the house, but my heart is definitely elsewhere.  I feel sick over this difficulty in choosing between staying in Georgia or even daring to dream about going abroad again.  Maybe I'm killing myself for nothing and I should just relax, but my mother's situation is difficult to live with.  I didn't anticipate having to take over her leadership role of our family.

I have a headache now.  I honestly just want to fly away and disappear from this predicament.  I described myself as selfish and spoiled to the counselor when mom and I were visiting her.  Due to my travel ambitions and my difficulty at simply remaining in the U.S.  I feel so destroyed at times because of this juggling of my potential fate.

What to do?  Stay in the U.S., work as a librarian to build up my professional experience?  Run to East Asia, have the fun that I never had, and save up money to pay off students loans and go to Australia and New Zealand for vacation?  Writing it that way, the answer seems CLEAR!  But if I do go back to East Asia, what do I do for money?  Or do I try to go to China in September or October?

Well, in any case, I want to wait for the result from the Foreign Service, which I should have in September.  I also need to wait for Walt Como, the supervisor at ExpressJet to know if he wants to hire me or not.

The D Ray James Correctional Facility posted their Library Aid position eight days ago, thus I may be "off the hook" from that work situation, lol.  I'm glad... I wasn't thrilled about living in Folkston, Georgia, neither about working at a prison.

I need the Lord so much to give me direction right now.