Perceiving some spector of the future...

I might work with Habitat for Humanity as a volunteer on a video/photo librarian project.  It sounds very cool.  I really hope that I get the position!

Work at Upward Bound is going well.  I do at times think that people are talking about me, but then I get over it.  I hope that Mrs. Moore is OK.  She seemed a little tired Thursday evening.  I might buy something for her for her birthday on April 30th.

I met Jesse Hightower, the Executive Director of the TRIO Programs Thursday.  He was asked by the Dean of the college if he knew of anyone who could teach Spanish at the college.  I hope that they find someone soon.  I posted a message on Facebook.

I just had a go and it felt good, lol.  Maybe doing that is my remedy to feeling better.  It's quite therapeutic when I'm so unfortunately groggy, sleepy, and lethargic most of the time.  I often ask myself what my life is worth and what's the point of living?  I'm trying to hold myself together despite the desire to just run away.  I guess I would look like a punk if I did so.

Fatigue and a whirl of thoughts

I'm quite tired today.  I'm trying to be happy, but taking the bus late at night is getting to me.  It's fatiguing.  Maybe I will leave regularly at 6:30 pm from AMSC.  But I don't want to leave the students if they need help until 7 pm.

Well, I'm trying to keep my mind simple and focused on the present day instead of worrying about the future and other stuff.

I just had a great "session" and it felt good.  I even thought about Morgan, but she's married and has a daughter.  Go figure.  Kiersten is cute too.  I guess I should be friendlier with her.  I guess I like Morgan's nerdy allure.

I wondered if I had been too hard on Calvin.  He had to do conjugations of AR, ER, and IR verbs in Spanish.  He did well with some help from me and Mrs. Moore.  I might have gone a bit far, but he produced good results.  I keep thinking that I've seen his sister before, but it can't be.  She has such a face.

I thought that Frederick resembles Olivia.  He doesn't know her, but I may point her out to him.

Latest thoughts

I like this porn star, Jazzie Que / Jasmine Stallion... problem!  LOL.  She's attractive, but I wouldn't want to marry her.  That's my aim as a Christian to pursue a woman that I would marry.  It is strange that I like her, but she has an admirable body.  It's her colorful wigs and tattoos on her butt that I like.  I try to be a man of God, but I still like "rougher" or "ghetto" women.

In congruence with this topic... mom and I went to Harry's with Shaunah.  That was out of the blue!  I wish that mom had not requested to go, but she enjoyed going and buying some things.  I think that my mom may drive me a bit nuts with her purchases, but I will try my best to create a budget for her.

I will probably apply for food stamps again.

Back to Shaunah... I started to "admire" her body again.  She told me that her daughter had been raped three years ago and now she has a child.  The daughter was only 13!  YIKES!  I wonder what their lives were like before they moved to Georgia.  I find that situation so unfortunate!  I asked Shaunah if she could help bathe mom and such and stay with her three days out of the week.  A nurse of the hospital recommended that I hire someone.

I really hope that mom will not need such help--I pray to God about that.  I thought to ask Cynthia or Tacara... I wonder if they could?  I know that Cynthia said Sunday could work.  We'll see.  If mom really needs it then I will make it happen, but otherwise I will try to avoid it for a while.  I'm still getting used to this new life.  Oh, boy, may God help me to accept it.  I feel a fool to complain when it's mom who's really going through a substantial change.

As for the fast... I want to give up looking at porn and sexual images.  That's not an easy feat.  I just looked at some images, but not porn at least!  It's a process.  I hope that I avoid looking for all of 2014, but that is easier said than done.  I also hope to find some happiness from new employment and maybe from a girlfriend.  Who knows... if the year goes wel enough, I may even lease a Nissan Leaf!

I have no idea of what to expect from 2014.  I just hope that mom's health shall improve astronomically!  I also hope that I will not wallow in pity and sadness.  I hated this year's horrible turn of events.  I pray to God in Heaven that better days lie ahead in 2014.

Feeling better...

I am feeling better.  This is good.  I don't feel as suicidal and I don't hate my life as usual.

I am learning to juggle my expectations, my reality and just finding joy in everyday.

Mom and I went to Town Center Mall today.  I got quite tired, but I saw how other people live and that they're happy.  I remembered how idealistic I am and that I really do need to put that away or change it so that I can accept regular life in Georgia and just appreciate it.

I like to think that I'm "above" the consumer culture of the U.S.  I do at times despise it and say to myself that people don't need all these things that they want.  But... is it so bad to want smart phones, expensive food from the food court, over-priced clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch, etc.?  I don't know... most countries of the world want to have all these things that Americans enjoy.  Are they all truly happy with these things?  I don't know.  I guess so...

Going through university taught me not to over value all this stuff that 1st world citizens can enjoy.  I wanted to honor living simply.  I like living in other countries, but I'm errant for taking airplanes which pollute the air in order to realize my personal dreams of living abroad.  Then I want to be preachy about the "right way" to live.  I'm an oxymoron of what I at times try to expound to others.

So what now... how should I see the world?  How should I think towards life?  God and His Holy Word are my only solutions.  As long as I stick with God, I'll know what to do with my life.  I think my problem for now is trying to understand my direction in life and along with that, NOT OVER-THINKING!!!!!  This is the single thing that is killing me and I'm neglecting that life is STILL going on around me!  I can't continue the way I thought when I was 22.  I can't pretend that I'm an island, I must engage in the world or I will only regret my insistence to keep myself segregated in society and mentally.  In effect, I must learn to relax, and blend in instead of trying to be distinct.

I find that a bit scary.  I adore my uniqueness, but now I'm learning that being one of the mass is not so bad.  If I at least appreciate the world around me, then my mental stress will subside and I'll feel better about my new life with a mother recovering from a stroke.

I thank God for the little revelations that I have everyday.

Feeling trapped, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel

So... I definitely want to be a librarian.  I've been contemplating my decision not to take the position at GPC Decatur.  I just wish that getting home would be easier.

Perhaps I'll have another chance of a job with GPC, if I get contacted by their Clarkston campus.

I just thought today that it might be nice teaching English for six months in the Talk program in Korea.  I could also teach English in the Republic of Georgia for six months.  I wonder if these experiences would be worth the effort?

I know my heart.  I don't care about earning a lot of money.  I care more about having great experiences!  I didn't like living for a whole year in Korea.  I got bored after a while and I really was ready to quit after seven months, lol.  I don't like preparing lessons because I'm lazy.  I hate all the fine details of planning out lessons.  I'm thinking to quit teaching completely and just dive into a librarian position, wherever I find one.  I still want to travel blissfully.  I love traveling.  I find that the best part of teaching abroad, just being somewhere different.

Oh, boy... I guess I'll figure this out eventually.  Mom's OK with me leaving for six months.  I guess that I won't know what I really want for a while.  Let's see how work goes once we're in January.

I think for now, I'm just trying to find happiness.  I'm still learning what will make me truly happy as opposed to assuming.

On a side note, I should wrap Andrew's presents.  I don't really feel like it for some reason.  I think I'm rejecting Christmas.  I don't feel the holiday.  Thanksgiving and Halloween ... I didn't feel them either.  I just want to disappear most of the time.  I feel like I've lost something....

What to do in the future? What will 2014 bring?

If 2013 has ended up being a year of destruction and chaos... will 2014 be a year of creation and harmony?

I hope so.

Perhaps my steady penance of caring for mom will pay off next year?

I keep on asking myself if I still want to live abroad?  I don't know.  Mom is not completely helpless, but she cannot go shopping for herself without saluting, putting her hands together and blessing through gestures.

I do not understand why she's doing that.  I think it's due to her drugs.  I wonder what would happen to her if she stopped taking them completely?  Should we test that?

I wonder if skipping the Levetiracetam would produce a different result?  I may try that tomorrow.

I will go to Town Center Mall tomorrow without mom just to give myself some space to be me without her.  She does burden my spirit a bit.  I wish to be so free.  God, help me to hold on, because I honestly can't wait to be free to travel again.  I asked Valina if I could visit her in St. Hubert, near Montréal.  She said yes.  Perhaps I'll go there next summer.

I really do need breaks from mom.  I suppose that Cynthia could help her, but I always expect a monetary request from her.  I don't like that.

Well, I guess that I'll figure things out little by little.  I just can't believe how crushing that car accident has ended up being for mom.  I wish that she had relieved herself of over-involved relationships for the past 8 years.  That would have freed her from a lot of over-obligation and negative karma.

I pray to God for some relief and that mom be able to speak in public and stop doing gestures at every turn while she's outside.

Life... what is it worth? Dreams dashed... for a sufficient life.

It's still my birthday.  I just saw The Hobbit 2 with my mom.  She behaved well.  She had a slight spike in behavior--she stomped her feet a bit.

The experience was OK.  I can't complain too much.

Cynthia asked for $1,000 today to pay her portion of her house' mortgage... I was expecting her to ask for money at some point.  It's amazing that she asked on my birthday.  She didn't mention my birthday at all.  Neither did William.  Shakim, Jr. was with them.  His smile made me happy.  He was watching Scooby Doo in the car.  He's adorable and he gave me some hope and happiness.  At times I want to die... I hate this new life of taking care of mom.  It's not what I ever wanted.  Mom's not horrible, but I struggle to accept the status quo.

I'm listening to some Beatles songs to relieve my mind. Sometimes, I want to be violent.  I'll try not to go overboard, though.  This world is not worth going overboard for.

I'll try to distract myself like all the other peons of the world do.  What film can I watch next?

One good piece of news... Emory University acknowledged receipt of my application to be a Research Library Fellow.  With any great chance, I shall be chosen.  May God bless it.