What will the future bring?

I am wondering what the future will bring? I have applied to some jobs in metro Atlanta and I hope to be called for interviews to a few of them. I think that earning more money and using it to pay off my student loans is better than teaching in the Republic of Georgia. However, my more playful mind wants to continue to teach abroad more than anything. I started to talk with Zyisha. She's quite kind. I like her voice and what she has to say. I just saw a girl at Aldi that I found rather pretty. She was Latina and looking cute in her one-piece tank and short outfit. She had died the tips of her hair red and it looked nice. She was showing a lot of skin, her shoulders, her back and her legs, but she seemed kind in her eyes. I hope to see her again. I thought to approach her, but she was with a female friend and a male friend. Maybe one of them was family; but I don't know. I'm always cautious with women. I took months to finally ask for Zyisha's contact information. It turns out that she's afrocentric and has an interesting belief in God and Egyptian culture. I'd like to learn more about her. Well, for now I hope to get a local job and to help mom to recuperate her sense of independence. She likes watching EVERYTHING on PBS and is at the moment watching a children's show on GPB. I was more alarmed at her childlike behavior, but now I am just glad that she has enough motivation to do things for herself instead of relying on me or others.

Yearning to Breathe Free

I'm a little tired and stressed from thinking about mom's situation. I guess that I should call people for help and direction, but I guess I'm being too proud? I don't know. I just get frustrated over mom's yelping, strange calls and her head pain. Maybe the St. John's Wort is affecting her and causes her to make the yelping noses. I don't know. The medicines may be interacting. She said that she's tired of taking them, perhaps she can stop the aspirin. We can ask the doctors on Monday. I'm just tired of feeling helpless, but I guess that I should ask for help, but I ask for what exactly? I just need to rest for the most part.

Doubt

I'm having doubt about going to teach abroad. Primarily money is now deterring me. I will earn only $228 per month in the Republic of Georgia as an English volunteer teacher. I wonder if it will be worth it to go? I think it will be worth it, but not for the money. The real worth will come from the experience of living in another part of the world and getting to know another people. I wonder too if I'm not starving myself of a "proper life" in the U.S.? I have asked myself if I shouldn't submit to real life and stop reaching endlessly for goals that don't seem to have a ceiling or an absolute target. Perhaps I'm fooling myself? Maybe sticking with Upward Bound is my ticket to a permanent life in Georgia. I would have been so scared at that prospect last year, but at this moment, that doesn't sound so bad. I must be mad, right? I, the world traveler, willing to succumb to domestic life in the U.S.? Oh, man, this whole ordeal with mom really has brain-washed me. Can it be that my train journey on Amtrak from Naperville, Illinois to San José, California was my last great voyage? I pray to God to have many more voyages. Well, I guess that the contract from the Teach and Learn with Georgia program will convince me more that the possibility of teaching there is destined.

Newness of mind

I did not look at porn last night nor masturbate. Yay to me! I overslept and thus I am at home listening to the Turner Chapel broadcast online. Mom was awake and asked me to give her her pills, but I stayed in bed and told her to do it alone. I don't know if she took the pills. She is now sleeping. I do feel bad about not waking up in time for the Tuner Chapel shuttle, but I pray that God forgive me and mom. We were just really tired from going out yesterday. The 4:00PM route 10 bus from Atlanta was about 20 minutes late. Someone told me that there was too much traffic, but I think that the driver did not use the HOV lane. I may call the CCT to advise their drivers to ALWAYS use the HOV lane in order to bypass traffic. I keep on wondering how to live from now on. I want to give more respect to life in Georgia, but unfortunately I don't expect much out of Georgia. I gotta make more friends, I guess. Or just go out with friends instead of spending most of my time with mom and doing little but caring for her. I'm so bored and so tired. Whatever, I'm going to the Republic of Georgia and I can't wait to scan my FBI CRC so that I can submit to the program and reserve a position. I gotta make a move to do something and have faith and hope in that decision. Fear-mongering will only keep me sad and depressed. After Georgia, I'd like to work for a year in the U.S. Then I may go abroad again. I'm not sure yet, but I'll feel how God leads me. Later,

Seeking clarity

Naturally, I can't stop thinking about going abroad. I just searched for jobs on Indeed.com using 'french' and 'library'. I searched in Washington and New York. I also searched in Toronto and Montreal. I'm trying to be motivated to stay in the U.S., but going abroad would thrill me more. I guess I won't get rid of this desire for a long time. I hope that I come to a clear decision by the time that I receive the FBI criminal record check. Maybe my escapades around the world don't need to come to an end. I wonder when Ava will finally go to Korea? She's been delayed at home longer than three months. I do get worried that mom will be vexed without me, but I am developping my faith that she'll be fine without me. I just read the reactions of three former teachers who had taught English in Georgia. Their reactions are in an article of the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/24/world/europe/24teachers.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 They notice the problems in Georgia and those of the teaching program. I think that I could deal with the problems and help the students to be great. I just hope that I feel 100% about going versus being a complete worry-wort.

Incensed to Act at Upward Bound

Yesterday evening at Upward Bound, Rashad admitted that he has difficulty spelling long words of English. I was appauled when he, Calvin and Ramon tried to spell "sophisticated". They wrote the word according to how we hear it, but not according to its proper spelling. I was appauled. These guys are about 15 and sophomores. They have to work on their spelling skills and their grammar. I said to Rashad that we can work on his English skills, and I will talk with Mr. Rich about helping him. I prayed to God last night that those three boys improve their English skills. They cannot continue being poor at spelling. That's very bad. I pray that all people around them help them too.

Choosing a Future

I'm trying to choose a future.

If I succeed in being hired for a full time librarian job, then I will take it.  I have applied to work as a French teacher and as a Media Specialist for Atlanta Public Schools.  If I get such a position, I will take it.  I have allowed my idealism and my realism to wrestle and the winner is ... pragmatism.  Thus, I need money and working full time in the U.S. will allow me to have it.

The alternative is to continue to be a ruffian and teach English in the Republic of Georgia and maybe go to Korea to teach for six months.  I'm not sure about doing either since I am receiving mom's Social Security Benefit money and using it to pay the mortgage and house bills.

A friend, Alésandra, reinforced the idea that I take vacations in the summer and work full time as a French teacher.  I found her advice profound.  I ask myself if I would really be so satisfied working abroad.  Perhaps that life is over for me at least for now.  Perhaps I could reignite that life in the future.

Thus... if I stay in Georgia and work full time.  I could get married and have children.  That opens a new door of life experiences.  Perhaps it's time that I embrace that aspect of adult life.  Well, I will try to relax and be patient and not go crazy over estimating my potential future.

I feel like I am giving up, but maybe I am just growing up?  Only God knows.

As for love, I like Ava.  We do have differences that I think we both shield from the other, but we admire each other as friends.  She has a house given to her by her mother.  She has that responsibility so I think it won't be easy for us to be together.  I reminded myself that I like Melissa Grammont.  I don't know if she could like me, but we do talk to each other easily.  I may ask her if she wants to go out.

Working at Upward Bound... can be a challenge.  I learn SO MUCH from the students about high school life of today.  There's a lot that I didn't know.  At times I get annoyed at the staff and their side-chatter, but I've learned to endure it and move on and keep my personal hope alive.  At times I have little interest in living in Georgia due to my experience of working there.  I just get that feeling that working an Atlanta public school will just be worse.  I believe my hope will be a librarian job or something in archives, but getting such a position is DIFFICULT!  Which is a big reason why I constantly want to leave and teach abroad.

Working at Habitat for Humanity is better, but the work is new.  Perhaps I will have problems later, but since the work atmosphere is ecumenical and corporate, I don't feel agitated there.  However, I know that I should tackle my hair.  I get so lazy about it though that I don't care how my hair looks at all most of the time.  I guess I shall shave myself bald finally.  I may keep the beard.  I like the beard.

I guess if I get a full time job, I may buy a car, but if it's not necessary, I shall not.  A car is a chasm of cost that I have been avoiding like the plague!

I guess that I'll figure out my future little by little.  I must keep things in perspective and not lose hope.  I could go to Georgia, but when I think that I'll return to the U.S. for work... I don't feel completely confident about the future.  Mom's health is also a great factor in my decisions.  I think that ultimately I shall stay and not go.  Let's see.