I feel lost...

I still want to travel... Mom is doing better, but still needs help... I feel like an ass for not helping her when I can, but honestly I feel physically TIRED.  I feel like I never get enough sleep.  I worry about her taking all her pills, but I wish that she would take them without being prompted.

I'm thinking of applying for a Librarian job in Shanghai, but I ask myself what do I really want?  Do I want to keep hopping around the world and not being fixed in one place?  I ... could have said YES! without reservation months ago, but now I feel guilty for wanting to leave home.  Mom said that she supports my travel desires, but I'm not sure of anything right now.

I think that I much prefer to stay in the librarian profession.  If I go abroad to work, then I hope it's to work as a librarian and not as an English teacher.  I'll continue to see what my options are before I make a choice.  I could force myself into an English teacher job, but I'm not sure that I will enjoy the experience.

I wish that this were easier, but mom did speak about me going to China in September or October.  That would be nice, but now I'm confused because I've been trying to convince myself to stay in Georgia for work.  Life is certainly not easy.

I just applied for a Library Assistant position at GPC in Decatur.  I just want to earn enough money to pay the mortgage and bills, but soon I will need to earn money to repay my student loans.

Let's see how things go.  I'll try my best to make the right choice.

My mother is a liar and a traitor

I made the mistake of choosing to drive with my mother to Folkston, Georgia for my interview with the Geo Group.  I wish that I had taken Greyhound like I had planned originally.

The interview went well, but of course I didn't sleep well.  Perhaps mom saved our lives... but I don't like how she chose to do it.  She lied about the car key being lost when she had hidden it.  She made up a story and bold-faced lied to me about the key's location.  She kept it on her body hidden from sight and I never knew.  I believed her too much and I hate that!

Her excuse was that I was too drowsy and fully aware since I was going to start the car around 3 AM while she was lying down in her seat without her safety belt.  I believe that I would have noticed that, but her "incensed" personality makes her think differently.  She also said that she's afraid to drive.  I told her that she shouldn't have come with me in the first place.  I wish that I had left her in Marietta yesterday morning.

I hate her.  I hate her mental illness and I think she's full of it.

I feel like she's ruining my life.  I normally try to burry my negative feelings, but I hate myself for emptying my bank account for my mother.  I hate her for being irresponsible financially and I hate myself for being stalwart and staying by her side.  She's a pain in the ass.  I couldn't believe that she hid the key instead of letting me drive... but she truly is mentally perturbed.  I don't know how to progress in the future.  I suppose I could find a big booty woman and a decent job and settle down.  I suppose that I could end my travel endeavors and just be happy with simplicity.

FUCK THAT!  I want more and I've been working towards GREATNESS!  My mother can live in a mental hospital such as the one mentioned by Peachford Hospital.  I don't want to cancel my dreams for her -- I really don't.  She has already disturbed my life enough.  I don't know why I keep on getting bullshit from life.  I hate this.  I suppose that God is punishing me or... preparing me for something?  I don't know.

I pray to Him that I get into the Foreign Service.  I'm not sure about taking the job with the prison in Folkston.  The place is nice and rural and the work should be relatively easy.  The libraries in the prison are small and very manageable.  The staff are very friendly too.  I don't know... I only considered that job because of mom and the household expenses.  What I really want to do is travel, live abroad, see new places, etc.  I wish that I had gone ahead with the Republic of Georgia.  I hate that I gave up my position.  Mom has had a lot of mental health problems... but I don't know when she will resolve them.  I pray that she does so that I can live my life FREELY!

French Teacher... finally?

I have an interview this morning at McEachern High School for a part time French teacher position.  I hope to be hired and I still have mixed feelings.  I'm not sure what my salary shall be, but it will be less than that of a full time teacher.  I hope to earn about $1,500 per month.

I pray that I get this job.  Perhaps I could still get the position with the Greening Youth Foundation.

I just pray for a miracle.  I'm tired of this difficulty.  I want liberation.

Mom really annoyed me.  She's starting to go back down the same path as before she went to Peachford Hospital.  I don't understand what's wrong with her.  It all has to do with her brain and in particular the right side of her brain.  She'll only get worse, I fear, but I don't know what to do for her.

I don't know if the pain is a figment of her imagination.  It seems to be real and her bodily movements are affected because of it.  I must buy her some medications today to replace the other ones.  I should have done that yesterday, but I get over involved with helping her in the house.

I HATE THIS SITUATION THAT I RETURNED TO!  I REALLY DO!

I just hope that I don't go crazy.

Guilt, Sin, Maturity?, Closeness to God, Goals for the Future...

Hey again,

I am feeling guilty about my long-term, sinful habit.  I did it this morning, almost automatically.  I haven't been reading the Bible nor praying as much as I used to.  I pray that I'm not becoming too distant from God.  I wonder about how the future will be for me and my immediate family?  I hope to be employed soon.

I have not attended Agape Church since May...  The people there are OK, but I prefer Turner Chapel.  I learn about the Word of God better from them.  I hope that God finds my decision honorable that I watch the Turner Chapel online broadcast instead of pushing myself to attend Agape.

I saw Sonya Henry, a friend from GSU, yesterday.  She's doing very well.  We saw "Now You See Me", a pretty good movie about magicians.  They are really illusionists.  Sonya loved the movie too.

I feel wary about a certain relative, but never mind, I'll try my best to get back on track with God.  I need to catch up with my Bible reading and remember to love God primarily.  Then everything will follow accordingly.

Please Lord, I pray that I pass the Foreign Service Officer Test and that I'm hired for a well-paying job, focused on librarianship or archives in metro Atlanta.

AMEN!

Should I have accepted to go to the other Georgia?

I'm bummed...  I'm still hoping to get a decent, well-paying job in Georgia.  I wish that I had accepted the position to teach in the Republic of Georgia!  That would have been so amazing!  But, unfortunately, my mother is very mentally ill.  I guess that I would not be able to leave too easily if I had accepted the position.  DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL.

I feel like there is always something going wrong in my life that stops me from being as happy as I would like to be.  I don't know why my mother is going through this mental illness.  It seems that she had a major mental break.  I wonder what happened to her in New York?  I know that she was dealing with difficult colleagues, but my mother kind of created that situation herself.  She could have made plans to return to work in Georgia.  I just thought this week that she could have been a school nurse.  Though, I suppose that she thought such a position beneath her greater abilities.  I hate this... why do I always have to deal with being so bloody responsible?  I barely have fun while living abroad and now my mother apparently has extensive damage to her brain, which is affecting all her brain functions.  She will probably need surgery on her brain, which I shudder to consider.  She was productive, but I think she's lost some abilities.  I wonder if she shall have them ever again?

I feel that I'm ruining her ability to get better, but she refuses to take some or all of her medication.  I think she must be given everything.  She's a bit like a child.  This is the most depressing situation that I have EVER dealt with in my entire life.  I can't believe that this is happening to my mother.  What the hell!  Well, the best thing that can happen to me is that I get a decently well paying job that will allow me to pay the mortgage on the house and still put away some money for the future and pay off student loans.

I posted a letter to apply for Medicaid for the whole family.  We should have applied for that ages ago!  I don't know what my mom and Carl were thinking, because we have no health insurance.  I think that I had some under my mom, but only until I reached the age of 26 or so.  I can't remember.  I guess that mom had me and Andrew secure with health insurance, but she didn't always perfectly explain that to us.  At least now I know how to apply for Medicaid and now food stamps.

Until next time.  I guess that I should not complain about Georgia, since the pay was going to be quite little anyway.

Back Home

Hi,

I am back home in Georgia.  Mom is mentally ill.  She is not herself anymore, which is most unfortunate.  She can be herself from time to time, but she's not the same woman that I last saw in September 2012.

I wish that I had been with her to see her progression towards, what appears to be a psychotic breakdown.  I hope that the doctor can tell more about what she is going through on Monday.

I was not prepared for mom's current condition at all.  I feel so mentally drained and tired from doing all that I can to help her and our household.  The burden is quite heavy.  I just need some time to get back into the rhythm of daily life.  I'm still not fully "returned" from Martinique.

I think I'm a bit selfish at times, but I hate the impression that I'm basically preparing to devote my life to my mother.  She doesn't need such consistent care, but I keep on trying to do all that she needs, such as buying groceries, etc.  I think it will be fine that I go out and do my thing.  In all honesty, my mother is not trying to keep me in the house all the time.  I will wave my flag of freedom, because I will go crazy if I cannot act freely.

As for personal stuff... I've gone out with Valancia to catch up.  We also saw "The Purge" last Tuesday.  The movie was decent.  I didn't know anything about it before seeing it.  I found the premise shocking that in the U.S. in the year 2022, it is lawful to murder whomever one wants to feel better about oneself and to release personal rage.  I found that so wrong.

It's not really my kind of movie, but I enjoyed it.  I identified best with the son who ends up being kind to the right person who is persecuted by a group of crazy people that want to kill him.

I really want to see Star Trek.  Valancia may go with me next Tuesday.  I'll wait to confirm if she wants to go that day.

For the long run, I hope to get back into living in Georgia.  I took the FSOT today and I found it easier this time than the first time.  I was more relaxed, but also sleepy this time.  I didn't describe my work experience as well as the last time and I left some structure notes at the beginning of my essay.  I pray that I pass the test, I really do!  I need that little miracle to keep me motivated.

Andrew and Ian are often not in the house or they stay out very late.  I don't understand their behavior.

I started an application for disability payments for my mom.  I hope that I finish the bloody thing tomorrow.  I'm taking forever to complete the information.  I just get tired of thinking about it and I keep hoping that I'll get a full time job in Georgia.  Thereby my mom won't need to access her disability insurance so soon.  She's only 51 years old.

I had an interview by phone this morning with the AGU, American Geophysical Union.  The interview went well, but I hope for a full time position in Georgia.  I'm crossing my fingers for a good result.  I need to keep applying for jobs and not lose hope.  I should try IKEA.  They're pretty kind towards their employees.

Until next time,

Aaron

Went too far / Feeling glum

I just did it for the first time at NARA...  I feel about bad about that, but I can't take it back now.  I thought another man might have noticed my silence, but I'm not sure.  I just kept going with it, without worrying.  Right when he entered the restroom, I "reached the end."  I guess that this can be a little, private, funny thing that I did at the Archives!

I wonder if people have ever made out at the Archives or had sex in the stacks?  That would be wild to discover.  I wanted to take a nap in the restroom!  Is that wrong?  LOL!  Gosh... well, I won't do it again in the restroom.

At times I wonder about my future and if I am making the right choices.  I think that I do.  I wish that I would stop wondering about my choices!  I'm a bit bored at the Archives, but at least I am not being driven into the ground to do anything.

Beatriz is out sick.  She came to work, but I guess ultimately didn't feel well and she left.  Transferring the records retention schedule is monotonous.  I should ask for something else to do, but I don't.  I must do some homework while at work.  I just need some motivation.  I don't know why I'm so demotivated.  I have to think about the benefits and the goals that I want to accomplish.

I finally talked to that girl--her last name is Neptune.  She's a student at Howard University.  Her parents are Trinidadian.

I wonder if I will ever feel normal.  Survey says NO!  LOL!  I'm going to buy a Hot Pocket and eat it contently outside.  I'm crazy.  My bowels are acting up.  I already went to the restroom this morning, but I just went a second time and I will probably go a third time before I go home today.