Feeling better...

I am feeling better.  This is good.  I don't feel as suicidal and I don't hate my life as usual.

I am learning to juggle my expectations, my reality and just finding joy in everyday.

Mom and I went to Town Center Mall today.  I got quite tired, but I saw how other people live and that they're happy.  I remembered how idealistic I am and that I really do need to put that away or change it so that I can accept regular life in Georgia and just appreciate it.

I like to think that I'm "above" the consumer culture of the U.S.  I do at times despise it and say to myself that people don't need all these things that they want.  But... is it so bad to want smart phones, expensive food from the food court, over-priced clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch, etc.?  I don't know... most countries of the world want to have all these things that Americans enjoy.  Are they all truly happy with these things?  I don't know.  I guess so...

Going through university taught me not to over value all this stuff that 1st world citizens can enjoy.  I wanted to honor living simply.  I like living in other countries, but I'm errant for taking airplanes which pollute the air in order to realize my personal dreams of living abroad.  Then I want to be preachy about the "right way" to live.  I'm an oxymoron of what I at times try to expound to others.

So what now... how should I see the world?  How should I think towards life?  God and His Holy Word are my only solutions.  As long as I stick with God, I'll know what to do with my life.  I think my problem for now is trying to understand my direction in life and along with that, NOT OVER-THINKING!!!!!  This is the single thing that is killing me and I'm neglecting that life is STILL going on around me!  I can't continue the way I thought when I was 22.  I can't pretend that I'm an island, I must engage in the world or I will only regret my insistence to keep myself segregated in society and mentally.  In effect, I must learn to relax, and blend in instead of trying to be distinct.

I find that a bit scary.  I adore my uniqueness, but now I'm learning that being one of the mass is not so bad.  If I at least appreciate the world around me, then my mental stress will subside and I'll feel better about my new life with a mother recovering from a stroke.

I thank God for the little revelations that I have everyday.

Feeling trapped, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel

So... I definitely want to be a librarian.  I've been contemplating my decision not to take the position at GPC Decatur.  I just wish that getting home would be easier.

Perhaps I'll have another chance of a job with GPC, if I get contacted by their Clarkston campus.

I just thought today that it might be nice teaching English for six months in the Talk program in Korea.  I could also teach English in the Republic of Georgia for six months.  I wonder if these experiences would be worth the effort?

I know my heart.  I don't care about earning a lot of money.  I care more about having great experiences!  I didn't like living for a whole year in Korea.  I got bored after a while and I really was ready to quit after seven months, lol.  I don't like preparing lessons because I'm lazy.  I hate all the fine details of planning out lessons.  I'm thinking to quit teaching completely and just dive into a librarian position, wherever I find one.  I still want to travel blissfully.  I love traveling.  I find that the best part of teaching abroad, just being somewhere different.

Oh, boy... I guess I'll figure this out eventually.  Mom's OK with me leaving for six months.  I guess that I won't know what I really want for a while.  Let's see how work goes once we're in January.

I think for now, I'm just trying to find happiness.  I'm still learning what will make me truly happy as opposed to assuming.

On a side note, I should wrap Andrew's presents.  I don't really feel like it for some reason.  I think I'm rejecting Christmas.  I don't feel the holiday.  Thanksgiving and Halloween ... I didn't feel them either.  I just want to disappear most of the time.  I feel like I've lost something....

What to do in the future? What will 2014 bring?

If 2013 has ended up being a year of destruction and chaos... will 2014 be a year of creation and harmony?

I hope so.

Perhaps my steady penance of caring for mom will pay off next year?

I keep on asking myself if I still want to live abroad?  I don't know.  Mom is not completely helpless, but she cannot go shopping for herself without saluting, putting her hands together and blessing through gestures.

I do not understand why she's doing that.  I think it's due to her drugs.  I wonder what would happen to her if she stopped taking them completely?  Should we test that?

I wonder if skipping the Levetiracetam would produce a different result?  I may try that tomorrow.

I will go to Town Center Mall tomorrow without mom just to give myself some space to be me without her.  She does burden my spirit a bit.  I wish to be so free.  God, help me to hold on, because I honestly can't wait to be free to travel again.  I asked Valina if I could visit her in St. Hubert, near Montréal.  She said yes.  Perhaps I'll go there next summer.

I really do need breaks from mom.  I suppose that Cynthia could help her, but I always expect a monetary request from her.  I don't like that.

Well, I guess that I'll figure things out little by little.  I just can't believe how crushing that car accident has ended up being for mom.  I wish that she had relieved herself of over-involved relationships for the past 8 years.  That would have freed her from a lot of over-obligation and negative karma.

I pray to God for some relief and that mom be able to speak in public and stop doing gestures at every turn while she's outside.

Life... what is it worth? Dreams dashed... for a sufficient life.

It's still my birthday.  I just saw The Hobbit 2 with my mom.  She behaved well.  She had a slight spike in behavior--she stomped her feet a bit.

The experience was OK.  I can't complain too much.

Cynthia asked for $1,000 today to pay her portion of her house' mortgage... I was expecting her to ask for money at some point.  It's amazing that she asked on my birthday.  She didn't mention my birthday at all.  Neither did William.  Shakim, Jr. was with them.  His smile made me happy.  He was watching Scooby Doo in the car.  He's adorable and he gave me some hope and happiness.  At times I want to die... I hate this new life of taking care of mom.  It's not what I ever wanted.  Mom's not horrible, but I struggle to accept the status quo.

I'm listening to some Beatles songs to relieve my mind. Sometimes, I want to be violent.  I'll try not to go overboard, though.  This world is not worth going overboard for.

I'll try to distract myself like all the other peons of the world do.  What film can I watch next?

One good piece of news... Emory University acknowledged receipt of my application to be a Research Library Fellow.  With any great chance, I shall be chosen.  May God bless it.

It's my birthday

It's my 28th birthday.  How do I feel?  I feel... sleepy.  It's 12:53 AM.  I stopped feeling happy in May and I started a LONG period of mourning after recognizing how much I needed to change my life due to my mother's difference in mental capacity.

This ordeal concerning my mother has been... VERY stressful and has forced me to GROW up a LOT!  I HATE it all absolutely.  I wish that mom had never had that car accident.  I don't know why she made such a bad choice in choosing to drive with Ma and Ian.  That was a recipe for disaster from the beginning.

Well... what's done is done, I suppose.  I hate that my thoughts are constantly about mom all the time.  I feel like I don't exist completely separately from her at times.

I pray that I sleep soundly tonight.

I wonder if I'm complaining too much about mom?  She does cook and clean the dishes, but still has a strong OCD habit of overusing paper towels.  She's a bit obsessed with that.

As for traveling... I'm not sure that I will ever live in another country.  I guess that is over.  I admit that I was getting bored of the live abroad thing.  I guess that "conforming" to a permanent life in Georgia is the right thing to do now.  At times, I don't like that I am so difficult to please.  It's a pain in the butt.

I guess that I'll be happy eventually.  I just want to be genuinely happy and not just "forcing" myself into some false concept of happiness.

I will try to pray that I get a "way out" in order to live abroad again.  Although I continue to feel that staying in Georgia is my fate for now.  Perhaps I'll start to take trips to other countries and places in the U.S. instead of living and working abroad.

I guess I must join the other mortals (LOL) and put aside the live around the world dream, and the aspiration to be an international citizen.  Perhaps I'll find a true love to make me believe that there is still a reason for me to live.  For months I often feel like dying or that I am dead already, but only keeping myself going at the behest of my mother.

I also keep thinking of buying Gluhwein (Christmas wine) from Aldi to keep my spirits up, lol.  I think that I may do so soon.  I also want to buy some Skechers sneakers.  My New Balance sneakers are more than a year old and are hurting my feet now.  It's time for some new ones.

I'm so tired of putting off my own happiness due to needing to help others.  It's such a pain at times.  But, I admit that being home in Georgia, helps me to socialize and remember who I am.  I suppose that this whole year has been a BIG pill that I have been trying to swallow and accept.

Please, Lord, help me with all these thoughts.  Amen.

Am I using mom as an excuse to not live my own life?

Hey,

a friend of mine, Ayeshah Dean, said that I was using my mother to excuse myself from living my own life.  I think that she's right, but I have a VERY just cause.  My mother really does need my help.  I also don't want to hand off her needs unto other family members.  I do feel at times that I'm shielding Andrew from the responsibility of caring for mom, but he does go out often.  I suppose I must talk to him more about being by mom's side.

I'm sort of writing off Ian, but I will keep peace with him since he did pay some money for rent and Shaunah's car was very useful.  I really need to take a walk.  I feel like getting drunk or seeing a late movie all by myself.  Maybe I'll dash out to see Catching Fire, lol.

Oh, Lord, help me!  I just want be happy again and to not grieve over anything.  I know that that's practically impossible, but please, help me God to see light at the end of the tunnel of despair.  Amen.

I want to be super human

It's been a while since my last posting.

I applied to teach English with Disney in China.  I got accepted and even accepted a contract.  I just declined the position saying that mom and my family needed me.

I must wait for my recruiter's response.  Part of me hopes that she will say that I must continue with the application anyway.  All that I want to do is to keep on traveling and living abroad.  I have found a new purpose in teaching French, but Upward Bound doesn't always need me.

::Sigh::  I feel like my life is over...

I hate that mom is so mentally vexed.  Talk about a horrible combination of desire, reality and consequence of events.  I may just need to wait and be patient, but it kills me at times.

At least I made a new friend in Holly.  She's from Denver.  She lives off Booth Road.  She's 38, which surprised me.  I thought she would be around my age.  She works at a costume studio for film.  She can also design and make dresses.  I suppose that she's a seamstress or a costume designer.

Her roommate was born in the Bronx.  The roommate drove us from the Blue Moon Pizza restaurant yesterday night back to our neighborhood.  She's pretty nice.

Back to my bigger malaise... I just thought about buying a car!  AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate growing up!  Fuck!  I hate living in a super car-centric place!  I hate it!

Please, God, help my mother to be tremendously better by the summer of 2014!  I really want to go abroad again and live elsewhere!  Please, Lord, don't trap me in Georgia!

I had an interview yesterday to be the Reference Librarian at the Art Institute of Atlanta in Decatur.  I would like the job and I think that I will do well with the challenge of managing their library.  I wonder why the current librarian wants to leave?

Georgia Perimeter College in Decatur also contacted me for a Reference Librarian position, but it's an hourly position.  I'm debating if I should not accept it?  I think that I could benefit from upward mobility.  I don't know if Upward Bound can offer that.  Perhaps, the wicked commute to Decatur will be worth it if I can count on advancing up the library ladder.

Upward Bound is better for me for now because the commute is less taxing upon me and the atmosphere of the job is less demanding.  However, today I had no student that wanted help with French.  Perhaps I should accept the offer from GPC.  I really wish that I could work that job in the morning, but the hours are in conflict.  I'll call the supervisor tomorrow to give her a decision.

As for cars, I like the Nissan Leaf, which is all electric, but I like that the Honda Insight can take gasoline and thus travel farther than the Leaf.  I ask myself many philosophical questions, one of which is... should I buy a car?  My feeling is NO!  I want to be an international traveler!  I don't want a bloody car!  Also I believe too much in living green and having a car is not a part of that scheme.  Perhaps I shall lease a car if I end up having enough money.

OH... GOD!  I pray that I am not making the wrong choice in turning down Disney English!  I have to be confident that this is the right choice.  I've been feeling it in my heart that it is since Monday.  Mom has been approved for receiving Social Security benefits, thank God!  Thus, with this money, we'll be able to pay the mortgage and the bills.  This is our miracle before Christmas!  It also means that I don't really need to go abroad to work.  I do witness how much mom needs me and that I help her, so I'll stay home and be more comfortable, as much as it makes me feel bored at times.