Mania

So.... Maybe mom's depression is causing me to feel depressed too? I think that this is true. We'll see how things unfold this week. That's to say, how I feel at week's end. I just applied for a Library Technician position with the Library of Congress. I would be a good fit for the position, but I worry still that I would be bored of it after a while. I think that I will go to the Republic of Georgia once the TLG program sends me an email to confirm my position. It may be the least wise decision in terms of money, but I'm not getting far with reducing mom's depression. I prefer to make myself happy even if I can't convince her to be happy. I think I'll be risky and sign the contract to teach in Georgia and be on my way. I'm reading two books on the country, one a juvenile country book on Georgia and the other an adult book called something like Georgia, poetry of the Caucasus. The adult book is quite good and the juvenile one is very informative. I'm such a crazy dreamer. I can't be satiated by Georgia. It bores me to think of only living here. I'm not doing the state justice, but my mind is too boundless to be restrained to Georgia. I need to explore a little more and broaden my horizons on life. I may end up making "mistakes" but I'm willing to risk that in order to have more adventure and happiness in the way that I want to achieve them! HA! I'm so diabolical! What makes me relent is that I'm concerned that if I do get a well paying position in Georgia, then I should keep it to earn more money and enjoy that life. I could also pay off my student loans in a few years. But what will make me happy? Simply fitting in and taming myself? Will that be enough? Hm... if I open myself enough to local life, then yes. It has taken me SO LONG to reach a point of compromise. I was so UNWILLING to admit defeat. How could I the great traveler/adventurer/English teacher succumb to life in Georgia? Now I am SO CONFUSED about how to continue my life endeavors. I get worried about whether I will ever settle down. Perhaps I shan't and the airplane and the open sky will be my consistent home. Oh, alas... what does my future hold? I know not, but I dare to dream and challenge what could be. Oh... destiny, advenure, the challenge of countries unknown to me... OH, it does rile me up and excite me for I could do and see and experience. Am I fool to dare so much or... am I wise to challenge? My heart says... GO! Stride forth in complete confidence and touch your foot everywhere that you dare! I may be a maniac, but at least I'm listening to my heart and soul.

Escape

I think that I will go abroad to the Republic of Georgia. I am bored with my life. What have I to really look forward to? Nothing is what I keep on coming up with in my mind. I'm tired of mom's depression and displeasure. I don't know how to help her and she just gets on my nerves. I'm waiting on Kennestone Hospital to approve her therapy. Please, God help me to get out of the USA. I need something God to make me happy again the way that I was before I returned home last May. I hate this new, lethargic life. Maybe I just have a bad attitude, but I'm tired of this bullshit. Fuck all this. I need to release.

Tired...

I'm tired and wondering if I should or shouldn't return to the information session. I guess that I will because I am learning new things. There are some new employees who just began to work this week or last week. One is called Allen. He works with Caroline in Communications. I work in the same department. I applied to a French teacher position at Kell High School. The position is part time. I just visited the school's website and the current/former French teacher taught many levels of the language. She has French 1 to 5 on her blog. I pray that I get the job if nothing else works out. I also have my interview tomorrow for the ESOL position with EFL Atlanta at Oglethorpe University. I pray that I look the part and that the administrators of the program take me seriously. I should have gone to bed earlier once again, lol. This is going to be a problem with me for a while. I guess that my problem right now is that I don't know what will make me happy. I'm just... TIRED. I'm praying for clarity and to not inherit bogusness from my mom. Let me go eat and forget my woes.

What will the future bring?

I am wondering what the future will bring? I have applied to some jobs in metro Atlanta and I hope to be called for interviews to a few of them. I think that earning more money and using it to pay off my student loans is better than teaching in the Republic of Georgia. However, my more playful mind wants to continue to teach abroad more than anything. I started to talk with Zyisha. She's quite kind. I like her voice and what she has to say. I just saw a girl at Aldi that I found rather pretty. She was Latina and looking cute in her one-piece tank and short outfit. She had died the tips of her hair red and it looked nice. She was showing a lot of skin, her shoulders, her back and her legs, but she seemed kind in her eyes. I hope to see her again. I thought to approach her, but she was with a female friend and a male friend. Maybe one of them was family; but I don't know. I'm always cautious with women. I took months to finally ask for Zyisha's contact information. It turns out that she's afrocentric and has an interesting belief in God and Egyptian culture. I'd like to learn more about her. Well, for now I hope to get a local job and to help mom to recuperate her sense of independence. She likes watching EVERYTHING on PBS and is at the moment watching a children's show on GPB. I was more alarmed at her childlike behavior, but now I am just glad that she has enough motivation to do things for herself instead of relying on me or others.

Yearning to Breathe Free

I'm a little tired and stressed from thinking about mom's situation. I guess that I should call people for help and direction, but I guess I'm being too proud? I don't know. I just get frustrated over mom's yelping, strange calls and her head pain. Maybe the St. John's Wort is affecting her and causes her to make the yelping noses. I don't know. The medicines may be interacting. She said that she's tired of taking them, perhaps she can stop the aspirin. We can ask the doctors on Monday. I'm just tired of feeling helpless, but I guess that I should ask for help, but I ask for what exactly? I just need to rest for the most part.

Doubt

I'm having doubt about going to teach abroad. Primarily money is now deterring me. I will earn only $228 per month in the Republic of Georgia as an English volunteer teacher. I wonder if it will be worth it to go? I think it will be worth it, but not for the money. The real worth will come from the experience of living in another part of the world and getting to know another people. I wonder too if I'm not starving myself of a "proper life" in the U.S.? I have asked myself if I shouldn't submit to real life and stop reaching endlessly for goals that don't seem to have a ceiling or an absolute target. Perhaps I'm fooling myself? Maybe sticking with Upward Bound is my ticket to a permanent life in Georgia. I would have been so scared at that prospect last year, but at this moment, that doesn't sound so bad. I must be mad, right? I, the world traveler, willing to succumb to domestic life in the U.S.? Oh, man, this whole ordeal with mom really has brain-washed me. Can it be that my train journey on Amtrak from Naperville, Illinois to San José, California was my last great voyage? I pray to God to have many more voyages. Well, I guess that the contract from the Teach and Learn with Georgia program will convince me more that the possibility of teaching there is destined.

Newness of mind

I did not look at porn last night nor masturbate. Yay to me! I overslept and thus I am at home listening to the Turner Chapel broadcast online. Mom was awake and asked me to give her her pills, but I stayed in bed and told her to do it alone. I don't know if she took the pills. She is now sleeping. I do feel bad about not waking up in time for the Tuner Chapel shuttle, but I pray that God forgive me and mom. We were just really tired from going out yesterday. The 4:00PM route 10 bus from Atlanta was about 20 minutes late. Someone told me that there was too much traffic, but I think that the driver did not use the HOV lane. I may call the CCT to advise their drivers to ALWAYS use the HOV lane in order to bypass traffic. I keep on wondering how to live from now on. I want to give more respect to life in Georgia, but unfortunately I don't expect much out of Georgia. I gotta make more friends, I guess. Or just go out with friends instead of spending most of my time with mom and doing little but caring for her. I'm so bored and so tired. Whatever, I'm going to the Republic of Georgia and I can't wait to scan my FBI CRC so that I can submit to the program and reserve a position. I gotta make a move to do something and have faith and hope in that decision. Fear-mongering will only keep me sad and depressed. After Georgia, I'd like to work for a year in the U.S. Then I may go abroad again. I'm not sure yet, but I'll feel how God leads me. Later,