Seeking clarity

Naturally, I can't stop thinking about going abroad. I just searched for jobs on Indeed.com using 'french' and 'library'. I searched in Washington and New York. I also searched in Toronto and Montreal. I'm trying to be motivated to stay in the U.S., but going abroad would thrill me more. I guess I won't get rid of this desire for a long time. I hope that I come to a clear decision by the time that I receive the FBI criminal record check. Maybe my escapades around the world don't need to come to an end. I wonder when Ava will finally go to Korea? She's been delayed at home longer than three months. I do get worried that mom will be vexed without me, but I am developping my faith that she'll be fine without me. I just read the reactions of three former teachers who had taught English in Georgia. Their reactions are in an article of the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/24/world/europe/24teachers.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 They notice the problems in Georgia and those of the teaching program. I think that I could deal with the problems and help the students to be great. I just hope that I feel 100% about going versus being a complete worry-wort.

Incensed to Act at Upward Bound

Yesterday evening at Upward Bound, Rashad admitted that he has difficulty spelling long words of English. I was appauled when he, Calvin and Ramon tried to spell "sophisticated". They wrote the word according to how we hear it, but not according to its proper spelling. I was appauled. These guys are about 15 and sophomores. They have to work on their spelling skills and their grammar. I said to Rashad that we can work on his English skills, and I will talk with Mr. Rich about helping him. I prayed to God last night that those three boys improve their English skills. They cannot continue being poor at spelling. That's very bad. I pray that all people around them help them too.

Choosing a Future

I'm trying to choose a future.

If I succeed in being hired for a full time librarian job, then I will take it.  I have applied to work as a French teacher and as a Media Specialist for Atlanta Public Schools.  If I get such a position, I will take it.  I have allowed my idealism and my realism to wrestle and the winner is ... pragmatism.  Thus, I need money and working full time in the U.S. will allow me to have it.

The alternative is to continue to be a ruffian and teach English in the Republic of Georgia and maybe go to Korea to teach for six months.  I'm not sure about doing either since I am receiving mom's Social Security Benefit money and using it to pay the mortgage and house bills.

A friend, Alésandra, reinforced the idea that I take vacations in the summer and work full time as a French teacher.  I found her advice profound.  I ask myself if I would really be so satisfied working abroad.  Perhaps that life is over for me at least for now.  Perhaps I could reignite that life in the future.

Thus... if I stay in Georgia and work full time.  I could get married and have children.  That opens a new door of life experiences.  Perhaps it's time that I embrace that aspect of adult life.  Well, I will try to relax and be patient and not go crazy over estimating my potential future.

I feel like I am giving up, but maybe I am just growing up?  Only God knows.

As for love, I like Ava.  We do have differences that I think we both shield from the other, but we admire each other as friends.  She has a house given to her by her mother.  She has that responsibility so I think it won't be easy for us to be together.  I reminded myself that I like Melissa Grammont.  I don't know if she could like me, but we do talk to each other easily.  I may ask her if she wants to go out.

Working at Upward Bound... can be a challenge.  I learn SO MUCH from the students about high school life of today.  There's a lot that I didn't know.  At times I get annoyed at the staff and their side-chatter, but I've learned to endure it and move on and keep my personal hope alive.  At times I have little interest in living in Georgia due to my experience of working there.  I just get that feeling that working an Atlanta public school will just be worse.  I believe my hope will be a librarian job or something in archives, but getting such a position is DIFFICULT!  Which is a big reason why I constantly want to leave and teach abroad.

Working at Habitat for Humanity is better, but the work is new.  Perhaps I will have problems later, but since the work atmosphere is ecumenical and corporate, I don't feel agitated there.  However, I know that I should tackle my hair.  I get so lazy about it though that I don't care how my hair looks at all most of the time.  I guess I shall shave myself bald finally.  I may keep the beard.  I like the beard.

I guess if I get a full time job, I may buy a car, but if it's not necessary, I shall not.  A car is a chasm of cost that I have been avoiding like the plague!

I guess that I'll figure out my future little by little.  I must keep things in perspective and not lose hope.  I could go to Georgia, but when I think that I'll return to the U.S. for work... I don't feel completely confident about the future.  Mom's health is also a great factor in my decisions.  I think that ultimately I shall stay and not go.  Let's see.

Hope for Happiness

So it seems that my travel bug will never die!

I filled out my application for the FBI criminal summary check.  I must print out a sheet for fingerprints at the library tomorrow.

I'm trying to decide what to do for my future.  For now I am considering going to the Republic of Georgia, teaching French full time in the U.S., or working as a librarian in the U.S.

My tendency for travel grows stronger since my mom is stabilizing.  I do not want to wait by her side forever, because that is ostentatiously BORING!

Some of my fellow tutors at Upward Bound were advising me on teaching for Atlanta Public Schools, but I think that I don't want to.  I have to say that I would have a sigh of relief once I finished working for APS.  Somehow I have no zeal for really wanting to teach for them, lol!

So, I pray to God to go to the Republic of Georgia and to be brave concerning my mom.  I don't need to feel bad about my desire for travel.  Perhaps she could come, but I KNOW that I must do something for myself or I will completely regret my life, which has taken a nosedive.

Second try for the Republic of Georgia

I can and I would like to make a second try to teach in the Republic of Georgia.  I asked Teach and Learn in Georgia, the program, if I could apply.  They said that I only need to submit my FBI criminal record check.

I was really interested in going yesterday, but I've spoken to Andy about it by phone.  He... said it was up to mom.  Mom felt worried initially, but is OK with me going.

I've been going back and forth over it.  I ask myself what the ultimate benefit would be?  It would be great to see Eastern Europe.  I only know the western part.  It would be great to be in a region of the world where I've never been.  I will earn little money, but I'm going primarily for the experience and to help some elementary children to learn English.

I want to request the FBI CRC and send it just to keep myself on the emotional high that I had yesterday.  The prospect of going makes SO HAPPY!  I know that I should "grow up" and apply to be a French teacher, but I have too much desire to fulfill my dreams... and being a French teacher is not exactly one of them.  However, it is a long term job that can make my life happy.

Decisions, decisions...

I would like the break from taking care of mom to do something fun.  But I ask myself will I want to keep going abroad?  The answer is YES!  :D

I don't know if mom will vastly improve with physical therapy.  I suppose that she will.  I feel torn because of her.  I wish that I had no desire to leave the country, but Georgia aggravates me, lol.  I really don't want to submit to living here.  I need the thrill and hope of adventure.

I'll have to talk with Andy about taking care of mom.  When I think about money... then I remember that it would be most pertinent that I procured a full time position sooner than later.  My self-esteem is growing, thus I'm coming to the point of wanting to do more and behave as a professional.

My desire to go away also stems from my fatigue with putting away my own wishes, dreams, hopes for others.  I'm TIRED of that!  I feel like I'm always subjectifying myself and not being honest about what I want from life.  I also feel a little dead and lifeless.  I pray not to be selfish in my travel ambition, but I know how potentially bad I may appear.  I'm already thinking of a plan to leave for six months, then stay home for six months and leave again to do Talk in South Korea!

That would be extraordinarily AWESOME if I could do that, but I think I may not be able to.

I wish that I had really lived as a child while I was a child and that I had permitted myself to be more crazy as an adolescent and younger 20 -something, instead of being such a late-bloomer/old soul.  But I have to give responsibility of my mom to Andy.  I think that he could manage her.

I've been thinking of applying for food stamps again just to maximize mom's money in savings.

Well, I suppose that I'll make a decision concerning the Republic of Georgia before June or so.

Dreams... dashed or still doable?

I'm pondering some things and wondering if I can still fulfill my dreams.

I guess I could still travel abroad, but I guess I'll have to settle for vacations instead of living abroad.  Maybe I have to ask ANdrew to take care of mom after he earns his Associate's degree.

I have evil thoughts towards mom at times.  I recognize her mental recuperation little by little, but I really wish to reclaim my independence.  I can't dream, foresee or feel inspired to do anything without thinking about her now.  I HATE THIS!  I keep wondering if mom had been more obedient to God would she be in a better state or would she still be in her post stroke condition?

I pray to God for relief.  Maybe I should place mom in a nursing home?  That doesn't sound right to me.  I don't want to be selfish, but I get beleaguered by my mother's condition.  I ask myself when she'll be absolutely well again to live alone?

I hate Carl for cheating on her and leaving her.  I hate myself to for not making Andrew more responsible.  I suppose he likes getting away with giving mom the least care possible.  I feel guilty for not... wanting to interact with the family as much as I probably should.  Is that my own fault?  I guess so... but I haven't had much to do with the others.  I guess this is all a big fateful push from God to make me recognize that I was living too far away metaphorically from the others.

But what is my greatest complaint... my loss of freedom to travel.  That's all and also feeling that my best way of creating a successful work life for myself is to pursue a full time French teacher position.  I drag my feet, because I don't want the responsibility.  I guess this has been the purpose of those 10 years of study.  I feel at times that I have wasted my youth not doing what most other young people do.  I hate myself for being so socially anxious.  I just pray to be able to live abroad again hopefully without mom, because I don't want to tag her along for the rest of my life.  I love her, but... I'm tired of halting my life for her.  I've been doing that my whole life and I need to cut those ties that bind.

Please God liberate me and heal my mother completely.  Please God grant me my freedom again.  Please, Lord, please!

Stop running away from the U.S.?

I think I have to stop running away from the U.S.  Why am I so attracted to leaving this country?  I don't know...  I guess I feel that I grow while living in other countries, whereas in the U.S. I sort of reject whatever growth I can go through here.

Why is that?

I don't know... I'm just very drawn to living in other countries and having new experiences.  Another good question is.. why am I so reluctant to teach full time?  I don't really like teaching, lol.  That's the bottom line.  I just want to be a quiet worker, such as a librarian or an archivist.  I hope that I will find a full time job or one that pays me sufficiently in one of those roles or something related.

I just found some interesting information professional positions in Washington, D.C.  I lost my motivation to apply for work outside of metro Atlanta, because I'm trying to help mom to get better, but I'm losing my "mojo", my "juice" for exploring potential career options.

Perhaps all that I really need is a full time job in the U.S. as a librarian or something related.  I keep on trying to foresee a future, and it's difficult.  I feel that I cannot commit myself any longer to my true dreams of travel and adventure, and substituting that for long term career in the U.S. doesn't feel like enough.  I'm still in my twenties so I want freedom for myself and I yearn to be free everyday.  But, I think that God is trying to tell me something...  what is it?  Be responsible to mom and don't ignore your family.   URGH!  I do love them, but I feel... slowed down by them?  Is that it?  I don't know... Is that wrong to say?  My dreams don't really align with incorporating my family with them?  Is that what I'm learning?  Urgh... this is difficult or not?

Maybe I'm making a bigger deal of all this than it has to be.

I suppose that I should just wait it out and be patient...  perhaps the "career" job can wait until later.  Perhaps I'm rushing into something that I can wait to acclaim later.  This is why I'm never sure of my decisions.

Nothing is clear for me for now.  I'm trying to play that proverbial chess game and I can't determine my next move.  The easiest thing to do seems to stay in Georgia and be content.

I don't work this week on account of the snow.  The metro area was not ready for it so the roads or snowy and icy.  No salt nor sand was laid down in advance, thus people have been trapped in schools or on the roads with little recourse.  It's a little embarrassing.  So much wealth and means yet not enough brains to prepare for three inches of snow.  Oh, well, I suppose that metro Atlantans can't be good at everything.  I didn't take the snow forecast seriously myself.

I think my most probably future for now is to be a full time librarian and take great vacations around the world as much as I can.  I pray that I make that come true.  I don't know how mom will develop, but at least she can move her body enough.  I have to pray stronger and with greater intention.  I get sad and lose confidence FREQUENTLY.  It's horrendous at times.  I want to change that.